Worst Advice Given by Therapist/Counselor

[behindme]

My DH and I had been involved in counseling as the result of an uBPD. At the suggestion of the original counselor, she provided her services to both my DH and me - collectively and individually.  The focus became our upbringings, our co-dependency on one another.  She then told me of her perceived NPD traits she saw in him; told him of the BPD traits she perceived in me. In short, she put us at odds with one another. When we began to encounter more conflict, the advice she offered was….divorce!  She actually divulged and twisted things that were told in confidence (a golden rule of therapy) to him and stirred up even more problems than we originally had. Thankfully, I had enough insight and courage then to disengage and seek a qualified marital counselor who quickly set about undoing the harm she had done.

Has anyone else encountered poor therapeutic interventions and, if so, how did you go about rectifying it?

[Pingo]

Wow, that's aweful, you put your trust in this person and they let you down in the worst way.  Glad you were able to find someone else that could help you.  My uBPDexh and I went to a MC but I don't think she had a clue what she was doing.  She made no recognition of his possible disorder and when I'd bring up some of the stuff I was dealing with she would focus on me and my reactions, thus making me feel like it was all my fault that I couldn't just let things go.  I told her about his days long STs and he would tell her I was just being over sensitive bc that's what my Mom used to do.  Well duh!  Of course I was over sensitive, but bc STs are like slow torture!  It was really confusing.  She would also focus on the love we had between us like that was somehow going to conquer all.  And I believed her and tried so hard to make it work, we even eloped bc we had this fantasy that it would work.  Yet in the end it didn't.  Unfortunately we didn't seek out a better counsellor, by the time we were splitting I had lost all desire to try an longer to fix things, I had lost all hope.  I wasn't until after our split that I learned about BPD.

[going places]

The "biblical' counselor we saw AFTER his affair told me that:

Forgiveness is:

1. Never talking to the offender about the offense again.

2. Never talking to anyone else about the offense again.

3. Never thinking about the offense again.

And if I DID say anything to him, anyone else, or thought about it, that I was 'unforgiving'.

Said that due to MY unforgiveness, THAT is why the marriage was failing... .

Yeah, tell someone with PTSD to shut up and forget.

Well I followed his advice for a year... .well part of it. I never told anyone else what I was going thru.

Until I seriously considered ending it all.

Then I talked to my doctor.

She was standing when I started telling her, and mid way thru, she sat down, slack jawed, and cried.

My doctor.

She said that was the WORST advice EVER given in the history of advice giving and BEGGED me to see someone who specialize in the kind of trauma I was dealing with.

[behindme]

Interesting comments. In all honesty, I'd never heard of a biblical counselor before outside of an actual chaplain - pardon my naiveté but I suppose as long as one is provided with sound structured background I can understand an individual who is coming from a religious perspective to seek this out….however, it seems as though those of us here, with diverse backgrounds, have all become targets in one way or another of some seemingly misguided attempts to somehow project their beliefs or make this "our" problem and not provide effective ways of dealing with the BPD in our lives and/or the conflicts they stirred up. Maybe we do have some underlying tendencies that draw us to such personalities, but in all honesty the techniques I experienced - as well as those shared - when compared to others that have proven to be much more effective, are so sadly lacking it's a shame such "counselors" are allowed to be practicing, and at a time when we're so vulnerable and confused it's hard to truly practice discernment. Maybe it's all part of the process so ultimately nothing is truly wasted - after all, we did all come to see these so-called professionals for what they truly were - there was something in our gut telling us this isn't quite right!

[hergestridge]

The "biblical counselor" simply beats everything. What an idiot.

We were given some ___ty advice, most given from the premise that we had a communication problem. So the advice was that we needed to talk more about "our problems". Firstly this gave my wife the opportunity to turn "her problems" into "our problems". Secondly, the "talks" always escalated into full blown conflicts.

[going places]

The "biblical counselor" simply beats everything. What an idiot.

We were given some ___ty advice, most given from the premise that we had a communication problem. So the advice was that we needed to talk more about "our problems". Firstly this gave my wife the opportunity to turn "her problems" into "our problems". Secondly, the "talks" always escalated into full blown conflicts.

He was so quick to misuse the Word of God and attach blame to me, and make exh sparkle.

Looking back, I can see that he was a fool, fooled by an evil man... .ill prepared to deal with Narcissistic Sociopath, and ill prepared to deal with PTSD / Depression.

He should not counsel couples, ever.

I could talk till the cows came home... .but ex communicates like a 13 year old boy.

So it was like peeing into the wind and trying not to get wet.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Post breakup, I had my counselor write of all of my ex girlfriends actions as her mental illness, minimize all of my struggles and pain, pretty much tell me to suck it up. Then she insulted me like 10 times. I was too spacey, hopeless and use to being verbally abused to end it until she really got cruel. There are plenty of bad counselors and doctors out there. Which is really sad, people need help so badly and all of these people are failing them. There are good ones out there, just be more weary next time! I'm sorry this happened to you guys/girls, too, it hurts a lot, it's like insult to injury...

[Aussie JJ]

I was fortunate, my P's first wife has BPD.  He got it straight away and worked through stuff with me peice by peice. 

He has a few times that he didnt understand it, asked me to explain.  Ended up being sort of an exploration of what I was feeling and also all of the crap that was happening.  Some of his stories were fasinating, telling me about clients and his approach to BPD etc.  End of the day, he kept telling me, lower your expectations, don't expect her to ever be rational.  Lower your expectations, go with the flow and do what makes you happy. 

Started to do this on a few things, ended up with me doing what was 'right' and just following through.  This has rocked the boat the most, adopting his attitude, go with the flow and ignore her stuff.  Very hard to do at first, getting better at it now.  I think initially exploring the behaviours and how they effected me would have been better.  He has tried to simplify my response to it all with some simple responses, figure out the triangulation, play nuteral, don't play a role.  My power comes from my reaction to the behaviours.  Step back figure out the triangulation, the degrading behaviour or comments, dont buy into them dont play into the roles. 

I remember his first few comments to me after saying she was BPD.  You will never be able to have a normal worth wild relationship with this woman.  I'm sorry AJJ. 

If only I had got it sooner.  Some of the advice he has given me to concentrate on myself more than her, easier said than done, working through the coping mechanisms has been so helpful to me in identifyign the behaviour and stepping back from it. 


AJJ. 

[Mr.Downtrodden]

If a therapist does not know what BPD is, or have experience dealing with people who have suffered from someone who has BPD, then find one who does.

I have recently begun to search for a therapist.  Two of them acted as if I was in a customer line at a fast food establishment.  I didn't even get to outline my situation.  Their platitude-type behavior turned me right off.  When I asked if they knew about BPD, one said "all personality disorders are basically the same."

The hell with that crap!

[Aussie JJ]

It's interesting,

Not many psychologists get it.  They refuse in many cases to work with them extensively or validate and hope that they go away.  Quite sad.  To find one that understands the other side of BPD is a rarity, in that I was truly fortunate.  Even then, he has actually encouraged me to care about her etc and get rid of the anger/hate.  I cant explain it properly.  Someone who is determined to exterminate me and I've had thought patterns challenged and been told, lower expectations on her, don't lower those on yourself. 

A good P is invaluable. 


AJJ. 

[Want2know]

I had a therapist agree to see my husband (at the time) and I, as you describe - seeing us separately and then together.  We met together and then separate and after the 2nd time she saw us together she said she would not go on seeing him or us together, but would work with me.  She didn't divulge too much about her views of him, and I'm not sure what she told him in their session, but I got the impression she didn't want to see him either because he was a handful, didn't want to do the 'work', and/or she didn't she our marriage as one that was meant to be.

I continued on with her on my own and we got divorced quite soon afterwards.

It doesn't sound right that she gave you each the others 'diagnosis' or share confidential aspects of your conversations.  What did you do after seeing her as far as rectifying the situation?  Are you seeing a different counselor either together or individually?

[hope2727]

I had one tell us that she didn't believe in boundaries or compromise. My face almost fell off. 

She then did EMDR for my ex and he had his first psychotic break as a result. She let him leave her office suicidal and incoherent. I am surprised he survived her.

He has someone new now but I have no idea if he has fooled her the same way. Always the victim. Sigh.

Its all so sad

[behindme]

I had a therapist agree to see my husband (at the time) and I, as you describe - seeing us separately and then together.  We met together and then separate and after the 2nd time she saw us together she said she would not go on seeing him or us together, but would work with me.  She didn't divulge too much about her views of him, and I'm not sure what she told him in their session, but I got the impression she didn't want to see him either because he was a handful, didn't want to do the 'work', and/or she didn't she our marriage as one that was meant to be.

I continued on with her on my own and we got divorced quite soon afterwards.

It doesn't sound right that she gave you each the others 'diagnosis' or share confidential aspects of your conversations.  What did you do after seeing her as far as rectifying the situation?  Are you seeing a different counselor either together or individually?

Thanks for asking - and glad you're in a good place now.

I honestly don't believe that seeing together and individually is using sound judgment on the part of the T and I doubt many routinely incorporate such dual counseling as a routine practice; in fact, I think most have policies against it as they'd view it as a conflict of interest.  The only reason I relented is b/c my DH was so resistant to counseling in any shape or form at the time that I felt it would be helpful - and, in fact, it was as was as it provided an opportunity to reflect on his past and how he was currently communicating.  But after something came to a head in which I contacted her and she told me I "needed to move out", get my own apartment and forge a new life without him (he is NOT BPD!), the only option was divorce and then he called her and she was way out of bounds not only divulging things I told her but totally distorting the truth, I called and left her a v/m -- we'd been having telephone sessions - to let her know in no uncertain terms that she violated the most sacred of professional ethics, that I truly hope she did not cause irreparable damage, that we were seeking immediate more professional intervention (she was NOT a licensed PHD but someone written about quite a bit on this site, I'm sorry to have ever gotten involved with her) and not to contact me again.  Needless to say, did, to say that she had gotten my message and was releasing me from care - of course she was, what else was she going to do? It was always about her needs.  Once when I said I'd prefer to speak to someone in person rather than over the phone she got highly insulted, almost shaming - she'd done that on two other occasions as well... funny coming from someone whose favorite tag line was "you can't hold a mirror to a narcissist". Definitely had some BPD traits of her own….

In any event, we both went to a very well trained, subjective marriage counselor for a relatively brief period of time who truly helped us get on track. We've not seen her in several months, nor have I seen the therapist I'd been seeing on occasion, although I do like checking in from time to time for a "mental health" barometer check.  I feel much more equipped based on the insights I have and the tools I've been given. Did some of those come from the original "life coach"? I suppose so - and I'm grateful that it led to the other professionals I sought.  Just as I'm sure you're satisfied with the ultimate outcome of detaching from your ex b/c you know that was the outcome you needed - it's just too bad that you had to sustain the time, insults and damage on the detour to get there.