I stay because I feel sorry for him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have come to terms with the fact that I'm only staying in my marriage because I feel desperately sorry for my dBPDh. He has done years of DBT at this point. And he is still barely functioning most days. He has no real relationships other than me. He hasn't worked in years. He is in an absolutely miserable mental state almost all the time. He no longer finds enjoyment in anything. He's worked really hard at DBT. Put his heart and soul into it. And despite the fact that some things are much better, our lives are still a chaotic mess.

I badly want out of our marriage, which is really a caretaker relationship, not a marriage. But the reality of how sick he is--and how incredibly alone he is in the world--keep me here. Despite the fact that I am usually also incredibly sad and lonely and emotionally/financially unsafe in our marriage.

Somehow the despair I feel for him keeps me here.

Anybody else stay out of sadness?

[SusanBB]

I have come to terms with the fact that I'm only staying in my marriage because I feel desperately sorry for my dBPDh. He has done years of DBT at this point. And he is still barely functioning most days. He has no real relationships other than me. He hasn't worked in years. He is in an absolutely miserable mental state almost all the time. He no longer finds enjoyment in anything. He's worked really hard at DBT. Put his heart and soul into it. And despite the fact that some things are much better, our lives are still a chaotic mess.

I badly want out of our marriage, which is really a caretaker relationship, not a marriage. But the reality of how sick he is--and how incredibly alone he is in the world--keep me here. Despite the fact that I am usually also incredibly sad and lonely and emotionally/financially unsafe in our marriage.

Somehow the despair I feel for him keeps me here.

Anybody else stay out of sadness?

[ciel]

I have come to terms with the fact that I'm only staying in my marriage because I feel desperately sorry for my dBPDh. He has done years of DBT at this point. And he is still barely functioning most days. He has no real relationships other than me. He hasn't worked in years. He is in an absolutely miserable mental state almost all the time. He no longer finds enjoyment in anything. He's worked really hard at DBT. Put his heart and soul into it. And despite the fact that some things are much better, our lives are still a chaotic mess.

I badly want out of our marriage, which is really a caretaker relationship, not a marriage. But the reality of how sick he is--and how incredibly alone he is in the world--keep me here. Despite the fact that I am usually also incredibly sad and lonely and emotionally/financially unsafe in our marriage.

Somehow the despair I feel for him keeps me here.

Anybody else stay out of sadness?

You can't save him.  But you can save yourself.  Why are you sacrificing yor happiness for his, when he's still miserable and you're slowly losing your own sense of who you are and what gives you joy in life?  There may be one day you meet someone who adores your presence and connects with your mind and heart, and you will suddenly realize how many years you've sacrificed for someone who is bitter and angry, at you, at the world.  Someone who cannot be helped.  Some day you will surface, violently, like a balloon trapped under water, and it is terrifying... .and liberating.

We are made to love and to be loved. 

I stayed for years out of sadness... .pity rather... .then out of fear and guilt.  The air and light is painful and confusing after all these years.

[SlyQQ]

i feel sorry for you

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I have come to terms with the fact that I'm only staying in my marriage because I feel desperately sorry for my dBPDh. He has done years of DBT at this point. And he is still barely functioning most days. He has no real relationships other than me. He hasn't worked in years. He is in an absolutely miserable mental state almost all the time. He no longer finds enjoyment in anything. He's worked really hard at DBT. Put his heart and soul into it. And despite the fact that some things are much better, our lives are still a chaotic mess.

I badly want out of our marriage, which is really a caretaker relationship, not a marriage. But the reality of how sick he is--and how incredibly alone he is in the world--keep me here. Despite the fact that I am usually also incredibly sad and lonely and emotionally/financially unsafe in our marriage.

Somehow the despair I feel for him keeps me here.

Anybody else stay out of sadness?

I can totally relate to this my friend.  While my relationship isn't identical, my emotions are.  I was contemplating posting something of this nature later today.  My partner and I have recently split (her decision) but I am maintaining subtle contact.  We text through out the day and chat about absolutely nothing.  I know that this contact is prohibiting me "freeing myself" but as a human, how do I just turn my back?  This is someone that I love and had planned a future with.  How can I walk away because she is plagued with an illness?  I understand I need to save myself and focus on my own happiness etc... .but the thought of me just cutting her out of my life torments my soul.  It isn't who I am.

[SusanBB]

It's so heartbreaking. We've been married for 12 years. I know that this illness is bringing me down in really dangerous ways. He has worked hard at recovery, but I think he's as healthy as he is ever going to be. His neediness and anger have become so suffocating. He can't handle me leaving the house (even for work) or going to bed at this point. Although he's gotten better about verbal abuse and physical intimidation with me, instead he's cutting and acting out in other ways that are still just so painful and scary. If I believed there was any other kind of treatment that would help him, I would fully support it.

I feel like it would be so much easier to leave in anger.  I've done it, in fact. But it's just devastating to leave out of exhaustion and a desire to be done with this illness. I'll be yet another person rejecting him. And it's so sad.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

It's so heartbreaking. We've been married for 12 years. I know that this illness is bringing me down in really dangerous ways. He has worked hard at recovery, but I think he's as healthy as he is ever going to be. His neediness and anger have become so suffocating. He can't handle me leaving the house (even for work) or going to bed at this point. Although he's gotten better about verbal abuse and physical intimidation with me, instead he's cutting and acting out in other ways that are still just so painful and scary. If I believed there was any other kind of treatment that would help him, I would fully support it.

I feel like it would be so much easier to leave in anger.  I've done it, in fact. But it's just devastating to leave out of exhaustion and a desire to be done with this illness. I'll be yet another person rejecting him. And it's so sad.

I'm so sorry.  I don't even have any advice to offer but take note I understand.  I empathize.  I guess keep on posting and surely someone in here has been in a similar situation that can offer some concrete advice.  I was talking with my therapist and after researching I find it shocking that BPD isn't a more well known issue.  I hadn't any idea of the severity/commonality it resides amongst the population.  If I had then perhaps I wouldn't be in over my head in this mess.

[maxen]

i'm so sorry to read your story SusanBB. your motivation to leave is so understandable and your motivation to stay is so laudable. it's wonderful that your husband has acknowledged his situation and gone into therapy, and heartbreaking that it has not worked better.

you really are in a very tough spot, in one of life's irreducible moral dilemmas. i'm wondering though if there is any way to establish a bit of independence within the marriage? i apologize if you've thought of these, it's likely you have, but is it possible to establish a separate financial account, so that you would have some security for yourself? can you socialize through your workplace, like after work before you get home? do you have opportunity for a therapist for yourself? does his family know of all this, and are they willing to intervene? or is everything a trigger for him? i'm so sorry again for your situation, but you'll get understanding and support here.

[Aussie0zborn]

Glad to see he has made the effort of doing DBT.  What a shame he is the best he'll ever be and this is still not workable.

I understand why you're sticking around but I also hear you saying that you don't have a life and this has worn you down. This is a high price to pay for someone else's happiness  My experience with a high functioning pwBPD is that you will get no thanks for it in the end. Your case is more than likely different as he sounds more low functioning.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you through while deciding what to do?

[stuckgirl]

im sorry for how you are feeling.

the saying that you can get off a sinking ship or go down with it is very heartless,but it is also true and in time we find out about it

sadly by that time it is very late.

im really sorry your husband is not well,the truth is,he might never be well,or he might very well be.but it sounds as if things are downhill and have been downhill for some time.

i hope this doesnt hurt,but have you thought of the possibility that your husband might find someone else if you were to leave him?

i understand how damaging a non functioning wife/husband can be to our lives,simply because of the fact that we feel torn about them,yet how dysfunctional is he? has he ever threatened or attempted suicide?

i ask this not to upset you,but to find out how his problem/s is effecting him.

[lifechangingdecision]

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Unfortunately I find this to be one of the main reasons I stay in my marriage of 10 years. I feel bad for him. He doesnt have any friends and has ruined his relationships with his family including parents and sister. He told me I am the only best friend he has ever had and that breaks my heart. I worry what will happen to him if I leave. Where would he go, he doesnt have anyone. As much damage as hes done its insane I feel this way but I do. Ugh  My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best! I hope you find the strength to make the best decision for YOU! ! You deserve love, happiness and peace in your life  :-)