Should I stay or should I go now?

[hope2014]

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Should I stay or should I go now? 

« on: Today at 12:20:39 PM »

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Hello!  This is my first post and my husband (actually ex-husband but we are currently reconciled, 3rd go around in 12 years) has BPD, diagnosed in 2009 but has not accepted it or done anything about it and recently when seen by a psychiatrist in the emergency, was referred to mental health with a possible bipolar diagnosis as well or instead or overlapping with BPD... .?  He is currently on mood stabilizers.  He ALSO has had a street drug addiction for many, many years.  Currently clean and with many year 'blocks' of sobriety interspersed with many year 'blocks' of using. I am all to familiar with all the posts Ive read here as you are my 'peeps'.  I am a strong, independent, calm, compassionate, non-judgmental woman who is being pushed to the max in dealing with this man and disorder(s).  I am the sole bread winner as he cannot keep a job, I do the majority of everything (we have a 7 year old child) though he seems to be trying to be helpful (making dinners, some cleaning, etc... .).  On one side he is sweet, loving, fun and then on the other he is hurtful, angry, defensive, irrational, verbally/emotionally abusive, etc... .  I guess my biggest questions are these:  Is it truly possible for someone with BPD to love or feel love for another person?  I feel used and unloved most the time.  Is there hope if the BPD sufferer does very little to help himself?  He will read the occasional article, have the occasional calm talk, see doctors, etc... .but has not really done his own work/research.  He has not tried or even looked into DBT.  He accuses me of causing our 'relationship problems' but in reality he causes all the drama and problems in our life and relationship.  How does one convince someone that nothing will change unless they accept that they are the 'problem' and do something about it?  I have tried and will continue to try to defuse the situations as they arise.  Though I have a hard time not taking what he says personally even though I know intellectually that it is not true.  I feel that the end may be near for our relationship and that is scary on so many levels.  I know I want some peace and calm in my life.  And he says he is sick of me 'nagging him', 'treating him like a child' and 'causing' all these problems.  BUT I also know that with out me he will completely fall apart, end up on the streets, end up even dead... .  Any advise is very much appreciated.  Peace out!

[maxen]

hi hope2014 

in reality he causes all the drama and problems in our life and relationship.  How does one convince someone that nothing will change unless they accept that they are the 'problem' and do something about it?

your exh is diagnosed, and i'm sure he does contribute hugely to your r/s problems. part of BPD is an extreme sensitivity to judgement and rejection though, and, as i experienced myself, attempts to get the other party to  own their issues will likely only create resentment, which may be harbored for years and never forgiven. that's not a recipe for r/s success. instead of trying to get him into action, have you tried to enforce boundaries for yourself? this sort of thing: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence.

[hope2014]

Thank you and good point.  I have, what I believe to be, healthy boundaries.  He knows them and sometimes respects them, other times breaks right thru them.  Sometimes the thought of another day spent defending my boundaries against an irrational invasion feels fruitless, especially since he won't do anything to help the situation.  What is the point?  But thank you for taking the time to reply to me... .