Is this a sign that i'm moving on ?

[guy4caligirl]

5 years R/S almost 5 months since B/U .

I went through every thing in the book and more like we all do when we get dumped .

I am starting to talk to another lady , that I hope things will go good .

While I was texting this lady heavy last night , my ex sent me a text to make sure I feed the dog ,Coincidence ?

I did not let that text bother me and continue on with this new person , never replied for that "feed the dog text ".

My question is I am excited in getting to know this new lady and I felt for the first time that my ex moved to the back seat and I want to pursue my new venture .

We talk about our replacement , and how much we get cold ice respond from the exes .

Have you put yourself in her shoes and asked yourself  she acted so distance and cold ?

Have you thought that if you replaced her a month or two latter after she left (I know we couldn't) ,

How detached you would have been ?

Did she do good replacing us for her own selfish detachment ?

Looks to me that my attention is focusing on the new and my ex appears to me now like an empty vessel that I would never be able to fill up with my own self , and she is becoming like the worth person I ever knew in my life , I am feeling this at the moment Thank god for my replacement !

What's your take on this ?

[Hawk Ridge]

I am in a similar situation.  I started dating a nice person whose ex did the same mine did, abruptly left without explanation after a r/s of little communication.  It has triggered me as this person has so many traits in common with me - active, athletic, professional, faithful to God and to relationships, open and honest.   My ex was a smoker who slept a lot and didn't communicate much of the time; however has stated she loves me in our contacts in the past few months.  I choose to believe this means as a friend and then I can have low expectations.  New person is such a breath of fresh air and we are taking it very slow, unlike my ex who replaced me within 2 months and began to contact me within 2 months after they got together.  I choose to remain LC with her and will not change that status.   This is all very text book.  From the outside, it would be easy to say, "yay, Hawk, you're moving on!"  Well, this partially true.  I have fewer minutes in my day of desiring for her return but the magical thinking is still there, the lack of comprehension as to why she is still with my replacement and hasn't attempted s recycle is still there, the missing who she was and who I thought we could be together is still there.   What's different?  I am actually starting to trust God's will instead of my micromanaging the out come.  In the 12 step program world, we talk a lot about letting go and letting God.  I don't find this easy even though it is.  My T says I have entered a new stage of grief, that of actually letting go so yeah, I still cry a lot and I am still torn but ... .every day is a new day so I'll take that as moving on.

[guy4caligirl]

I am very glad to read what you have to say ,it is exactly how I feel also ,and I always struggle with me helping god to get back together .

I just wish to let God do his work .

But I am only human .

[Skip]

Careful guys - you're in rebound relationship territory.

The rebound relationship, it is believed, takes up the space that was left by the previous relationship and provides both stability and distraction from loss rather than a working through. According to this way of thinking, a person should “get over” the loss of a relationship before moving on to the next one, which negates the potential for healing and learning that occurs within the contrast of a new relationship.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201309/rebound-relationships

I'm not suggesting that these relationships are bad - to the contrary they may be very good - as long as you don't confuse them as being log term stable replacement relationships.  Jumping head first into a rebound relationship is what brought many members here to begin with.

Looking at these as a helper relationships/friendships/flings to help you with stability and distraction while you continue to do the work of healing, relationship postmortem, self review is the mature way to go.

Don't overdose your new friends with "BPD" - it will get old fast -  better to do that work here.  

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Careful guys - you're in rebound relationship territory.

I was thinking the same thing myself.  I have briefly dated a lady but had to stop it.  She was very interested in going further but I had to be honest with myself for the benefit of both of us.  I am simply was not ready to pursue a romance yet.  Better to sit tight watching TV, as sad as that sounds, than hurt another just for a distraction. 

[guy4caligirl]

This site is just amazingly helpful .

I thought I would post what I felt at the moment like I always did when I struggle .

I fell like every time I post I get my answers .

I hope that all of us benefit from what we're thinking about it's the only way to be honest with ourselves and others .

BTW ,today I terminated my new venture . I am not Ready I still have work to do to get better .

[Pingo]

I've been having a rebound emotional r/s with an old bf from 16 yrs ago and it has helped me to detach from my uBPDexh.  I wasn't trying to use him for this purpose but being objective, I knew that this was what was probably going on.  I tried to stay honest with him and let him know where I was at in my healing.  We only had contact via fb & texting/phone calls.  If we had seen each other we probably would have had a fling.  Anyhow, it has ended, he is going through some life crisis and has ended contact with me.  The lesson?  I'm not ready for another r/s.  But I also learned that I can have feelings for another man, I'm not completely broken.  And as much as it hurts to be rejected by him, I learned that I can survive and take care of myself.  Just another step in figuring out what it is I really want in my life.

[Hawk Ridge]

Despite the fact I am SLOWLY developing a new r/s, I believe it is also triggering my sadness, the finality of letting go.   I have talked extensively with my T about this as I am not interested in rebounding nor in harming another the way I have been harmed. She is glad I am finally starting to date, not necessarily have a r/s yet but dating  Skip, your thoughts helped reinforce the need to take things slow and heal.  The fact that my ex moved on so fast has almost been a source of shame for me, not to compete or compare but rather that I felt so disposable.  When I first tried dating, I would just come home and cry, asking how she could move on so fast when I still miss her laughter, her tears, her arms.  I have to constantly remind myself what I don't miss... .the anger, the ever changing rules, the backing out of plans, the dismissive communications, the leaving me alone in our r/s.  I don't miss that.  Do I deserve better? Sure.  Am I ready to plunge in full head on? No way!  I just got back from church and was moved to tears at the song, "amazing grace."  The words means so much more now as I come out of the fog with the help of God and through the people here on this board.  He really has stuck by me as I have had to surrender all.  None of this has been in my control. It's in God's hands and his grace.  Now, to recover,  i have to be honest and focused on God's will, not mine as that sure didn't work, and to give to others.  Thank you

[Loveofhislife]

Beautiful thread and full of insight and wisdom as well as sharing of very intimate feelings and experiences. Thanks to all for "keeping it real": something I never could do with exbfBPD.

[Rifka]

Careful guys - you're in rebound relationship territory.

The rebound relationship, it is believed, takes up the space that was left by the previous relationship and provides both stability and distraction from loss rather than a working through. According to this way of thinking, a person should “get over” the loss of a relationship before moving on to the next one, which negates the potential for healing and learning that occurs within the contrast of a new relationship.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201309/rebound-relationships

I'm not suggesting that these relationships are bad - to the contrary they may be very good - as long as you don't confuse them as being log term stable replacement relationships.  Jumping head first into a rebound relationship is what brought many members here to begin with.

Looking at these as a helper relationships/friendships/flings to help you with stability and distraction while you continue to do the work of healing, relationship postmortem, self review is the mature way to go.

Don't overdose your new friends with "BPD" - it will get old fast -  better to do that work here.  

Hi Skip,

Maybe a distraction is not always a bad thing, as long as you are aware of what your intention is.

When I broke up with my exdBPDbf in August, I already knew it was coming and was just waiting for the final shoe to drop that gave me the power to cut him off completely and finally. I already knew somebody from my group ( meetups) that I was attracted to and was friends with that saw me unfold and change into a quieter person with my ex. I am and have always been an over the top outgoing and social leader and organizer. We talked through my whole relationship about how concerned he was for me because I was turning into a different person. After my break up, we talked and decided to spend a lot of time together, talking, venting and having so much fun together as friends and it turned out more for the time. We always said from the beginning it would only be a friendship because we were both damaged from our past relationships. We self assessed, worked through so many really deep self examining together with each other's views of what the other might want to work on and through about ourselves. I found it really helpful to use with tender hands each other for a stepping stone. We were hanging out the first two months non stop. I slept there often. We really had so much fun. When I hit the point where I felt I was ready to start trying to date again, our physical relationship ended and we formed true friendship boundaries. We really did both get to the point that we felt healthy enough to try and date again. We are both available emotionally again. My every conversation is not about my ex anymore. It's about life, breathing and happiness, and laughing again.

I really feel that it was helpful for me to do that and made the transition easier because it's really hard to do it alone plus we were honest and stated our own emotional boundaries. He is a lovely friend and I hope he finds a lovely woman for himself. We are not in the same stage of our lives and would never be good for each other relationship wise. He still wants to marry and have children, I'm too old to have kids and don't really plan to marry again.

It was great to heal together with somebody! I never was tempted to break n/c, I'm not angry at all about my BPD relationship. It was a really intense painful learning experience.

My ex BPDbf does occasionally make a momentary appearance in my head, but I push the thoughts out. I understand it ptsd and flashbacks are normal.

Now I'm back in the dating battlefield and yes it might be only 3 month post b/u but I feel I'm ready. I was single for two years before mr Prince Charming walked into my life and started that fairytale! I don't feel I need that much time now. I feel happy with myself and what I have learned.

Hopefully I will one day meet a truly great guy, but until then, I'm complete within myself. I don't need a man, I would like one, but if not, that's ok too!

I've moved forward.

Rifka