Major betrayal by uBPDw

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been sober for 15yrs the 28th of this month. For years I didn't have any alcohol in the house. She has always smoked pot (I came to acceptance early in our relationship). A few years ago I let start having a bottle of wine around.  She never drank much more than a glass at a time so it didn't really bother me. I had always drank beer and hard alcohol. I always drank to get drunk.  I have never been okay with hard alcohol around. That is definitely a trigger.

She got rheumatoid arthritis really bad a couple of years ago and stopped being able to work last March. In the past, she had periodically had intense emotions, anger, and anxiety periodically.  After she stopped being able to work, her behavior got really bad.  I discovered this site by accident around that time and she fit the profile.  I read everything and several books.  I had to say something. I couldn't take anymore.  She got extremely defensive and said horrible things.  I said I would leave unless things changed and she went to therapy.  She chose therapy.

Things gradually improved although we still have separate rooms.

She applied for disability but we've heard nothing. We living off what's left of our credit card. Her disease has gotten worse despite the meds. We're visiting my parents for xmas and they are giving us money.  We've before been really stressed about going down there.  She has been really triggered by her past and the holidays.  Her drinking increased since Thanksgiving which kind of concerned. I knew she had been substituting since her weed connection dried up.

Last sunday I was reviewed transactions and discovered sizable purchases at liquor stores over the past couple of weeks. You can't buy hard alcohol at grocery stores in oregon so I knew what that meant. She has been drinking hard alcohol and hiding it.  I'm devastated. It's beyond unacceptable. It never occurred to me that she would cross that line. Buy wine, sake, cider, or whatever but not that. I had just begun finally getting close to her again after months. I know that she was depressed and dealing with a lot of ptsd stuff but acting out this way is inexcusable.

I really love her and want to be married to her but I don't know if I will be able to get past this one. It's too disrespectful and cruel. I don't know how to absorb a blow like this. I am so sad that it's almost unbearable.

[krazyblue]

I have been sober for 15yrs the 28th of this month. For years I didn't have any alcohol in the house. She has always smoked pot (I came to acceptance early in our relationship). A few years ago I let start having a bottle of wine around.  She never drank much more than a glass at a time so it didn't really bother me. I had always drank beer and hard alcohol. I always drank to get drunk.  I have never been okay with hard alcohol around. That is definitely a trigger.

She got rheumatoid arthritis really bad a couple of years ago and stopped being able to work last March. In the past, she had periodically had intense emotions, anger, and anxiety periodically.  After she stopped being able to work, her behavior got really bad.  I discovered this site by accident around that time and she fit the profile.  I read everything and several books.  I had to say something. I couldn't take anymore.  She got extremely defensive and said horrible things.  I said I would leave unless things changed and she went to therapy.  She chose therapy.

Things gradually improved although we still have separate rooms.

She applied for disability but we've heard nothing. We living off what's left of our credit card. Her disease has gotten worse despite the meds. We're visiting my parents for xmas and they are giving us money.  We've before been really stressed about going down there.  She has been really triggered by her past and the holidays.  Her drinking increased since Thanksgiving which kind of concerned. I knew she had been substituting since her weed connection dried up.

Last sunday I was reviewed transactions and discovered sizable purchases at liquor stores over the past couple of weeks. You can't buy hard alcohol at grocery stores in oregon so I knew what that meant. She has been drinking hard alcohol and hiding it.  I'm devastated. It's beyond unacceptable. It never occurred to me that she would cross that line. Buy wine, sake, cider, or whatever but not that. I had just begun finally getting close to her again after months. I know that she was depressed and dealing with a lot of ptsd stuff but acting out this way is inexcusable.

I really love her and want to be married to her but I don't know if I will be able to get past this one. It's too disrespectful and cruel. I don't know how to absorb a blow like this. I am so sad that it's almost unbearable.

[maxen]

hi krazyblue. it seems there are two elements to this, the alcohol and the dishonesty. everyone has their dividing line, and alcohol abuse is certainly a reasonable one. (i have to say, i don't see a difference among wine and cider and liquor though, if they're being abused.) but along with alcohol abuse frequently comes the secrecy. and with BPD on top of that, she probably feels judged for drinking too. is she in any kind of therapy either for the alcohol or for her emotional patterns?

[krazyblue]

Yes, she is in therapy with a DBT therapist. I confronted her about the alcohol and she had been talking to her therapist about it.  She had convinced herself that it would be okay because I had allowed the other alcohol.  She had allowed read an article about Kathleen Turner relaxing with a cocktail to ease her RA pain.  I told her that she had been respectful and asked about all the other alcohol. I told her that if she had asked me, I would have said no. Hard alcohol is never allowed.  Reason crept into her brain and she said that she got so caught up in her mind crap that she wasn't thinking clearly. She said that it was stupid and that she never meant to threaten my sobriety.  In the context of what I know about how, her explanation actually makes sense. I had poured out all the alcohol before she got home.  Now she said she doesn't want to bring any alcohol into the house.  That is fine with me after this incident.  I've decided to hang in there for now.