Here's hopefully to better times in 2015 with or without our BPDs

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I really don't think that my BPDw usually knows how to care about others. When she hears about aches and pains about others, she will listen, but then, she will discount their aches and pains and say how her life is way worse. Nevertheless, when she has her emotional setbacks and her physical aches and pains, she expects my full attention. If I would not do so, she would say that I don't listen and that I don't care and that I don't love her. In other words, she craves on being heard and on being validated, and my life and the lives of others really don't have a place in her heart.

When she is in her bad mood, in her BPD mode, she will be verbally and emotionally abusive. If not that, she keeps her distance, because she has admitted to me that she doesn't want to even look at me, because it will inflame her. In other words, I would be walking into a volcano, if I were to even talk with her or to be in the same room as she is.

Under the circumstances living with this BPDw, I am looking at my will as to how I want to change it. Also, I am thinking about ways to earn more money so that I can regain my sanity and to get out of here by being financially independent.

Along with all of the above, I am some potentially major health issues which I can't even share fully with my BPDw. I have tried to do so, but she just invalidates how I am feeling. I have had different tests which have been normal so far, but my pains are still in my neck. I do have an ear, nose, and throat doctor appointment in mid-January.

My BPDw's D18 is just like her. Of course, this is only natural that this would happen, but it only makes me feel that much more isolated around here.

The only comforts I have are my side of the family, my friends, my teaching, my tutoring, and my writing. They are my sanity, thank goodness.

Like so many of us nonBPDs, if I had known all of this would have happened, I would have run, not walked, away.

Thank you for letting me vent. I wish all of us well for 2015, and I wish all of us the courage to withstand our BPDs or to withdraw from them totally!

[Samuel S.]

I really don't think that my BPDw usually knows how to care about others. When she hears about aches and pains about others, she will listen, but then, she will discount their aches and pains and say how her life is way worse. Nevertheless, when she has her emotional setbacks and her physical aches and pains, she expects my full attention. If I would not do so, she would say that I don't listen and that I don't care and that I don't love her. In other words, she craves on being heard and on being validated, and my life and the lives of others really don't have a place in her heart.

When she is in her bad mood, in her BPD mode, she will be verbally and emotionally abusive. If not that, she keeps her distance, because she has admitted to me that she doesn't want to even look at me, because it will inflame her. In other words, I would be walking into a volcano, if I were to even talk with her or to be in the same room as she is.

Under the circumstances living with this BPDw, I am looking at my will as to how I want to change it. Also, I am thinking about ways to earn more money so that I can regain my sanity and to get out of here by being financially independent.

Along with all of the above, I am some potentially major health issues which I can't even share fully with my BPDw. I have tried to do so, but she just invalidates how I am feeling. I have had different tests which have been normal so far, but my pains are still in my neck. I do have an ear, nose, and throat doctor appointment in mid-January.

My BPDw's D18 is just like her. Of course, this is only natural that this would happen, but it only makes me feel that much more isolated around here.

The only comforts I have are my side of the family, my friends, my teaching, my tutoring, and my writing. They are my sanity, thank goodness.

Like so many of us nonBPDs, if I had known all of this would have happened, I would have run, not walked, away.

Thank you for letting me vent. I wish all of us well for 2015, and I wish all of us the courage to withstand our BPDs or to withdraw from them totally!

[eyvindr]

Samuel --

We haven't met, but I used to be on these boards quite a bit, and wanted to respond simply to your post. (And wanted to explain that, because it occurred to me that my sudden reappearance after about a year's absence very well might appear a little strange to people who are regs here now, who I've never interacted with before. I still feel a comfort level with the boards here, in general.)

Sorry to hear that you're dealing with this, Samuel. It's all so challenging -- and there are many here who can relate to your words.

If we'd only known then what we know now. But we didn't. And here we are. What next?

Hoping you can find some resolution in the new year, too.

Ev.

[EaglesJuju]

Samuel,

I am so sorry that 2014 was such a rough year for you.     Coping with both your own health issues and BPD is a feat. 

I hope 2015 can bring you peace.

    

[FigureIt]

I totally understand the health issues. I am in my early 40's and have arthritis. So I and up very stiff and in pain everyday. Never once has my uBPDbf asked if I am okay. I also had a 2nd relative with a brain aneurism so I had to have a MRA, no asking as to how my results wer or any concern. It's tough to find r a sons to stay.

UBPDb went out drinking for 13hrs yesterday, now New Years and no drinking and has gone to bed. Oh right "his" bowl day event is tomorrow... .

Don't know if 2015 will be the end, but I don't think he will like my growing independence!

[parisian]

There certainly are better times to look forward to in 2015! For me in particular, it will (gladly) be without my ex BPD.

I am almost 4 months out of a r/s with my ex and am (finally) starting to feel much better about myself and life in general.

I've listed some goals and things to do in 2015.

I'm clearly now in the acceptance phase of grief, although every now and again I duck back into angry, on account of her knowing she had the illness and never telling me.

I haven't cried for weeks now. The gut knot is gone. I still have some low-level anxiety (was diagnosed with PTSD), but I feel like that is easing up too .

So there is hope, there is life after a r/s with a BPD, and there certainly are fun, happy and exciting times to look forward to in 2015, without the emotional abuse and heartache from the last year and a half. 

[eyvindr]

Thank you for sharing, parisian.

Four months NC for me, and I still haven't quite cried. Lots of sad days. It is my third break-up, though. Could be wrong, but I feel like the first two break-ups, and much time spent here, helped me process a lot of the raw emotional side of the heartbreak -- for which I am very grateful. Now, if I can just work my way through the confusing and conflicting intellectual side of the whole thing!

Along those lines, this is a good reminder to all of us:

So there is hope, there is life after a r/s with a BPD, and there certainly are fun, happy and exciting times to look forward to in 2015, without the emotional abuse and heartache from the last year and a half.

We can't forget that it is a package deal. Whether we choose to practice radical acceptance, or to leave -- the challenges of the illness come and go with our partners. We can't separate them, except intellectually.

If we could, I know all of us would. Peace.

[Samuel S.]

Today was a mixed bag of toleration and some insight. In true BPD style, my BPDw was all sweet and nice with her side of the family at a lunch, but started to degrade each one of them when we got back home. So, she definitely is not trustworthy and very two faced, but I've known that for a long time already.

As a recommendation to all of you nonBPDs, I would suggest you see the movie "Big Eyes" which is a true story about a female painter in the 1950s and 1960s whose 2nd husband was a major con artist. He convinced her that he should get all the notoriety, but he had never painted a day in his life. He also was a very angry person.

After seeing this movie today, it made me think about how all of you nonBPDs and I have been conned into believing in the goodness of our SOs, but we have all encountered their irrational sides, how untrustworthy they can be, and how two faced they can be. Also, to be frank, I am afraid of her and her anger, thus the F of FOG. I have the obligation of marriage, although a divorce can take place. I feel the guilt, because I guess I am the old style of guy who believes that I might have to live with this guilt of not trying to improve the marriage, which I have tried, like so many of us.

[Samuel S.]

It just took one phone call this evening to disrupt my peace and my day. My BPDw called me from the grocery store to buy some food for the 3 of us. When it came to salads I am going to eat, she said she wants to buy them, because I supposedly will only just grab and go without looking at the expiration date. Then, she started to laugh at me, thinking this kind of dumb guy who does something like that. BTW, I haven't, and I don't. So, while it's nice she bought the salads, I feel like I was slapped. BTW, I don't dare say something to the contrary, because she will think I am arguing.

BTW, this is the same person who was told I was with another woman at a pharmacy, which was completely false, and I called him on it. Then, she had the nerve to laugh and say that it is probably a good idea that I supposedly was with another woman, because she is so busy with her studies and with her work.

And she has absolutely no idea I am trying to get myself financially able to move out completely! I am hurt, angry, frustrated! All I have EVER given to her is my love and my kindness!

I know she is especially out of it especially today, being the birthdate of her deceased daughter, and I am empathetic and validating of her. Her hurt, her anger, and her frustration are showing not only today, but also every day. I know it is her problem, but she certainly doesn't mind making me the innocent victim. After all is said and done, all the verbal and emotional abuse will not ease, even though she has had all kinds of traditional and non-traditional therapies.

[Samuel S.]

The vicious circle continues today. My BPDw chose to work a lot this last week, although she didn't have to. She did so, because her deceased D's birthday was yesterday and wanted to be busy so that she didn't have to think about her deceased D. Also, her alive D18 is returning to college today. So, my BPDw cooked a lot of stuff for her which should last for a couple of weeks. So, all of us can empathize with working a lot and having to deal with all kinds of emotions. Under the circumstances, I have kept my distance unless my BPDw has approached me.

When I returned this morning from working out and buying some groceries which she requested, the first thing that she said after I returned was that there were some flax seeds on a hand towel which I mistakenly wiped with. She said that this would probably not cause her to get angry, but she had a busy week and didn't sleep well. She hasn't liked that her D18 and I have had a 2 week vacation while she has worked about half the time. So, I apologized, but it wasn't good enough for her. She started getting verbally abusive, and I didn't argue. I just said I was sorry. Also, she doesn't like it that I don't supply as much money as what she earns. I am retired. I have a steady retirement every month. I have written books, but have gotten minimal amounts in return. I have taught and tutored, all of which has helped a lot around here, along with a majority of my retirement going to mortgage payments, life time insurance, and even for her D18's college fund. Yet, she continued getting angry. So, I just left the room.

Later on, she came into my room to basically say the same things, but was a lot calmer. She said she loves me and kissed me. Now, she is asleep.

Well, frankly, I get very scared of her anger, and I get to the point of crying inside, because I try and try and try so much to please, but it is obviously never enough, because frankly, she can never get her deceased D back. Thus, she makes up excuses to argue and to get control, whenever she is in a bad mood, and she is the one who has been consulting a quasi medium counselor.

Tomorrow, she and I are not working. She needs to study. So, I am just going to eat breakfast, get ready, and go. Where, I don't know, but I am going to be gone for the full day, because she needs her space, and I don't want to be around her. I don't need to be around her when she is angry.

I just wish she would not be a BPD, but that would be asking too much.

[eyvindr]

Hi Samuel,

Your post sums it up... .

The vicious circle continues today... .

I just wish she would not be a BPD, but that would be asking too much.

I know, man. I feel you. It's so very hard. In the end, I accepted that I couldn't do it. That was hard, too.

Take care of yourself.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you, eyvindr, for being able to relate to what I am going through. You mentioned I should take care of myself. I tried to do that today. My BPDw has an enormous amount of studying to do for her college classes, and her D18 is off at another college now. So, since my BPDw prefers to be by herself, I left for the day. I went out of town to a bookstore, to a movie, and had dinner, all of which I wish my BPDw would have joined me, but that's how it goes. While it was nice to get away, I sure did feel lonely. The movie was a nice diversion. In fact, I have gone to more movies within the last 2 weeks than I had gone to for the last 2 months. I also have major neck pains for which I have had a CT scan, an x-ray both of which are normal, and I am having some other tests and doctor appointments. So, I hope things are okay, but I can't relate this stuff to my BPDw, because she is not the listening type. She just likes to dictate and to tell without knowing all the facts.

Now, I am back. She is studying away. She was mopping and complaining about her D18, having to work to pay her D18's expenses, etc. BTW, I have a fund with way over $200,000 that I have specifically for her D18. I have suggested she use some of that money, but she wants to keep it for grad school. That might be true, but I am still putting in $500, this amount each month for the past 14 years and will still do so, at least as long as I am around. Frankly, I think she likes stress and to create stress, but I can't convince her otherwise.

[eyvindr]

You're welcome, Samuel. I know how important it is to simply be able to know that you're being heard. (And you didn't even have to yell!)

I so know this feeling -- 

Thank you, eyvindr, for being able to relate to what I am going through. You mentioned I should take care of myself. I tried to do that today. My BPDw has an enormous amount of studying to do for her college classes, and her D18 is off at another college now. So, since my BPDw prefers to be by herself, I left for the day. I went out of town to a bookstore, to a movie, and had dinner, all of which I wish my BPDw would have joined me, but that's how it goes. While it was nice to get away, I sure did feel lonely.

Every single time I've broken it off with my ex, that about sums up my life. It's not as bad with I'm with friends, but I try not to wear them out, and even though I'm more than capable of enjoying myself alone, it's not the same as sharing experiences with the person you love.

One of the hardest things for me is feeling like, based on all of the post-rship ranting that my ex does, as part of splitting me, is that she acts like she was the only one in the relationship. Apparently, in her mind, because I was the one to break things off, that gives makes her a complete martyr, the emotionally ambushed victim -- and entitles her to recast the entire relationship in the ugliest of colors -- where she plays the sweet, innocent, gullible princess, swept off her feet and destroyed by a psychopathic demon. That stuff, ridiculous and false as it is, still hurts. When someone you just tried to love and make happy calls you a monster, because you had to leave them after feeling like you'd never do anything but fail in the relationship, it hurts.

But I'm not entitled to any hurt, according to her. She acts like I'm some kind of remorseless criminal. I wish it was ethical to share this online crap that she posts now -- but it wouldn't be anything that would surprise any of us here, sadly. And I know many here have suffered much more than I have, for much longer. I just need to suck it up and keep it together.

Hang in there.