How come when u tell them how they have hurt you, they do that same thing more?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

i don't get it,, when I tell my pwBPD what I need or how something she has done has hurt me she continues to do that same thing more, and more frequently?

[qwaszx]

i don't get it,, when I tell my pwBPD what I need or how something she has done has hurt me she continues to do that same thing more, and more frequently?

[qwaszx]

Does anyone else have this happen or is it just me?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

PwBPD are deeply scarred people.  I feel much of their behavior is done without thought.  They are hypersensitive and all their behavior revolves around avoiding feeling things.  Once you tell them their behavior hurts you it may bring them shame - so they avoid it all together.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

PwBPD are deeply scarred people.  I feel much of their behavior is done without thought.  They are hypersensitive and all their behavior revolves around avoiding feeling things.  IDK ... .I have been through it but I don't think you can make sense of someone who is on the borderline of neurosis and being psychotic.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey qwaszx, In my view, those w/BPD have little empathy for others, so don't wait around for an apology which is unlikely to be forthcoming.  Needless to say, there is a narcissistic quality to the disorder which creates a need to make everything about the pwBPD.  So it's unsurprising that your pain remains largely ignored or unacknowledged.  LuckyJim

[PinkPoker]

I can relate to this entirely as it's happened to me very recently. I told him his behaviour was hurting me and boom I get blocked and the silent treatment.  I am feeling guilty because I invalidated him (I could have handled it better) but I as I'm sure you felt that it's only right they know what they are doing to you.

I'm not sure what they feel. But I'd guess it's anger and leaving you before you leave them. I think they fear if you criticise them you must hate them. I understand BPDs can be incredible sensitive... .  I do think they feel guilty / shame my BPD friend said to me once he'd said some bad things which he can't take back. He's also said I'm his verbal punchbag so he does know... .  I think it's how you react when she hurts you is the key. I use to hate the silent treatment and although I still hate it I don't message or react the way I did a year ago so he should know it doesn't bother me and won't have the desired affect that it did.

My BPD friend also said he knows he's cold and hard. Which deep down he isn't.  I think what I'm trying to say when they split you black they will punish / hurt you in the way you hate the most. Hence silent treatment for me.   When he comes out of that 2/3 weeks later he acts like nothings happened. Never discusses it but what he did in those weeks and how he felt I don't know!

It's so hard. I'm sorry you are being hurt.   I hope you manage to sort things out.

Take care,

PP x

[vortex of confusion]

I sometimes think it is all about getting attention. They are like little kids. If they want your attention and know that something will get your attention even if it is in a hurtful way, they do it more because they want the attention.

I don't tell mine things that he does that hurt me unless I can find a way to set some kind of boundary around it.

Another reason I think they do it is because they have really short attention spans. You tell them that they have hurt you and they pay lip service to you but then promptly forget that you said anything. I feel like he does it more after I say something because I am more aware of it and more sensitive to it after I say something.

[Grey Kitty]

I definitely noticed that when my wife was in a place where she would push my buttons to get a reaction, I would first say quietly and calmly that what she did was hurting me... .then get a worse attack, then say so less gently ... .until eventually one of us (usually me) blew up.

I stopped playing that game with her. Now I step out of range instead of saying "Ouch! Please don't poke me."

A couple years ago I saw something *REALLY* interesting. I was talking to my wife's father, and he said something that was very invalidating. (I think it was to me, but it might have been to my wife.) I wasn't triggered or even terribly hurt, but I didn't like hearing it, so I called him on it, not using the word invalidating, but just asking him not to say something cruel like that. His response was to TURN UP THE INVALIDATION, and say something really rude about me being "thin skinned" or some such. (I realized it was a lost cause at this point.)

It was eye-opening to see this. I'm sure that my wife grew up seeing this all the time.