What really happened on Thanksgiving (dysregulation at the end)

[pessim-optimist]

I am following up on our story of reconnection before Thanksgiving.

At the time, we didn't know what prompted the sudden renewal of contact on my step-daughter's (SD) part, but we were happy that her family was unexpectedly coming for a Thanksgiving visit where previously we thought we wouldn't even hear from them for a long time.

The main highlight - the grandkids (13,11 and 9). We had a wonderful time with them and were so happy to see them, they were happy to see us and it was a really good bonding time after not seeing them for over a year.

As for our son-in-law (SIL), he was very nice and friendly as always and he and my husband (H) had a good time together as well.

My SD was ok most of the visit, even though she was predictably trying to keep the attention on herself, which can be draining at times.

Now, the real reason for her sudden reconnection had nothing to do with us, really. From her talking I put together that she was in hot water with the people in her current small religious group and felt really uncomfortable about facing any of them over Thanksgiving (they were previously invited to one of the families' celebration). On top of it, she was fighting with her sister and was feeling lonely. Also right now, she isn't talking to any of her in-laws (who live in the area) and is starting to feel isolated by them, even though she picked the fights with them and went silent.

So, the reconnection mystery is solved. However, the last day they were visiting she wore herself out (she's had a knee surgery 3 weeks prior) and had a disappointing restaurant experience, and then found out that a baby-shower she was invited to was on Saturday, not Sunday, so she was likely to miss it even if they traveled very early the next day. She started dysregulating emotionally.

It was a different experience for us to watch as she is currently on Lamictal (a mood stabilizer). Her irritation wasn't as obvious and outwardly showing, but it was there nonetheless. It displayed in a more controlled and calculatedly cruel manner, which wasn't pleasant to watch: As her mood and thoughts shifted towards her home, she also suddenly shifted her attitude towards us and picked a fight over "all the things her dad did in the past" (the typical circular argument we've been seeing in the last 3 years).

It was a situation that hands down warranted upholding our boundary. However, this was the first time I was physically present when she was attacking my H this way and so was our SIL.

I felt that it was worth it letting the boundary go for the benefit of our SIL having the opportunity to see and hear for himself what the issues are and what my husband has to say, as I have watched our SD misrepresent the issues to her husband and there wasn't a way to "set the record straight" before.

We were able to 'taper' the fight into a more normal conversation (mostly with him), and then we all went to bed. They left early in the morning. After they left, we called them to see if they arrived safely, when we didn't hear back I texted both of them the next day. Our SIL sent a nice reply, I replied nicely back, then SD sent a series vicious texts (I sent a short boundary-type reply).

So, letting that argument play out was a major benefit for the future - our SIL now can make up his own mind rather than rely on SD's distorted stories. On the other hand, it came at the expense of stress and a busted boundary that will be much harder to uphold in the future. Was it worth it? Time will tell... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

I'd say it was worth it if only for the fact that you got to see the grandkids. I hope they didn't see much, did they? Whether SIL's awareness changes anything, time will tell. Maybe it might work more in favor of encouraging more contact with your grandkids.

That she had a falling out with her religious group must be a little validating, no? Like it's not just me and DH.

[pessim-optimist]

I'd say it was worth it if only for the fact that you got to see the grandkids. I hope they didn't see much, did they?

I will wholeheartedly agree with that Turkish! And - no, luckily the younger two were asleep and I am continuously amazed by the oldest's coping skills - he has been around so much fighting that he usually goes away and ignores it. This time he turned on his audio book and tucked himself away as well.

Whether SIL's awareness changes anything, time will tell. Maybe it might work more in favor of encouraging more contact with your grandkids.

You think so? That would be wonderful... .

That she had a falling out with her religious group must be a little validating, no? Like it's not just me and DH.

You know, it IS validating... .even though I am not sure why exactly, because I would be hard pressed to remember anyone who she's been around for a longer period of time and hasn't had a falling out with.

Why does it feel good? Is it my continual need for reality-checking, or is it some flaw in my own personality?

I feel really sad for her, but at the same time, there is a twinge of satisfaction in it... .Are those some vestiges of my own insecurities? 

[Turkish]

Honestly, how can anyone not WoE around a pwBPD not feel a little insecure. Like my T told me so many times, a little bit of truth mixed in with lies and distortions is confusing.

FWIW, it would feel validating to me, too, to know that the pwBPD in my life was exhibiting those traits with others. It would make me feel less alone, and take some guilt (justified or not) off of my shoulders.

[pessim-optimist]

Honestly, how can anyone not WoE around a pwBPD not feel a little insecure. Like my T told me so many times, a little bit of truth mixed in with lies and distortions is confusing.

I have heard that the worst lie is the one with a lot of truth mixed in it, because it is hard to detect the deceptive part and recognize it for the lie it is.

But I have never thought about it in this context... .That's a really good description: confusing. It is really hard to keep strong and secure in what you know is reality especially when someone keeps repeating certain key words/concepts about you - it's almost like brainwashing... .

FWIW, it would feel validating to me, too, to know that the pwBPD in my life was exhibiting those traits with others. It would make me feel less alone, and take some guilt (justified or not) off of my shoulders.

You mean perhaps guilt for not being able to "get along" with her and for what she would see as "mistreating her" but for what others would clearly see as her disordered behaviors?

[Turkish]

FWIW, it would feel validating to me, too, to know that the pwBPD in my life was exhibiting those traits with others. It would make me feel less alone, and take some guilt (justified or not) off of my shoulders.

You mean perhaps guilt for not being able to "get along" with her and for what she would see as "mistreating her" but for what others would clearly see as her disordered behaviors?[/quote]
I think so. You're her only SM; I'm my mom's only child,.and my Ex's only father of her children. The relationships are unique, but their BPD behaviors are not only confined or targeted towards me. Sure, I did, and can be a trigger to both of them, but I'm not the cause, nor ultimately  responsible for their feelings.

[jellibeans]

pessim

I just wanted to ask what dose of lamictal your SD is taking? I agree that this medication has been very good for my dd. She takes 300mg a day and I really do think it has helped.

I am glad you got to see your Grand kids... .sounds like there were many good times during the weekend... .hopefully everyone will remember that instead of one fight.

[pessim-optimist]

I am glad you got to see your Grand kids... .sounds like there were many good times during the weekend... .hopefully everyone will remember that instead of one fight.

That was truly wonderful and completely unexpected, and we will cherish those moments. I am sure the grandkids will too. Each of them told us how much they missed us, and that felt good (we were concerned whether their feelings about us have been poisoned by their mom's talk about us and that hasn't proved to be the case).

I think we will all remember the good times (all except SD, that is), even though the adults were all affected by the stress of the fight, each of us in their own way.

I just wanted to ask what dose of lamictal your SD is taking? I agree that this medication has been very good for my dd. She takes 300mg a day and I really do think it has helped.

You know, I am not sure. I would be guessing as her words are unreliable. I only know that she was put on a starting dose that patients take for seizures, so it could be as low as 200mg. I can tell it definitely does stabilize her mood. Her BPD is still there with no changes, but I'd say that she is less volatile.