Tell me these horrible reactions get better...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I get so frustrated with myself.

I'm feeling stronger, generally speaking, and less reactive to the mean talk I still get from my uBPDh via text or email. But dang, sometimes when he gets on a roll and I am trying to just "let it go" (his ringtone is the song Let It Go from Frozen) I get feeling the attack in such a physical way--my chest hurts, I start trembling, I barely breathe... .it's like a panic attack now, which is less than it was once upon a time, but dang!

Please tell me that these body responses will get better in time! It's so wearing... .and I don't know why sometimes I get the freaked out response rather than the pissed off response, but this is definitely the freaked out one tonight.

[Elpis]

I get so frustrated with myself.

I'm feeling stronger, generally speaking, and less reactive to the mean talk I still get from my uBPDh via text or email. But dang, sometimes when he gets on a roll and I am trying to just "let it go" (his ringtone is the song Let It Go from Frozen) I get feeling the attack in such a physical way--my chest hurts, I start trembling, I barely breathe... .it's like a panic attack now, which is less than it was once upon a time, but dang!

Please tell me that these body responses will get better in time! It's so wearing... .and I don't know why sometimes I get the freaked out response rather than the pissed off response, but this is definitely the freaked out one tonight.

[InSearchofMe]

For both of us I really hope the answer is yes.  Unfortunately, I am having a rough night as well.  I wish I had answers for both of us.  

[Tibbles]

I so get where you are coming from. They do get less with time. As I've done more and more work on myself and become more in control of my own life and how I interact with my ex, my reactions have lessened. I now make positive choices for me - I delete messages as soon as I realise he is on a rage role. When I first started to do this I'd get panic attacks as if I'd listened to them but now I just feel good - I've put me first and that's good. Keep learning and growing in the way you need to and these attacks will eventually go. It's been 18 months since I left and its only just been in the last month or so I've felt the benefits of all the hard work I've put into learning about me. It's a long hard road but so worth it. Hang in there. x

[Infern0]

Mine certainly got less and less over time.

The first time she split me black and unleashed one of her patented torrents of vile hatred, the effect it had on me put me into a nervous breakdown and it took me honestly about 2 months to feel happy again. The most recent time I felt a bit sick but within 15 minutes I was back in action and over it.

[Panther123]

It's very hard and really does have a physical impact.  I'm in a relatively good place, but still have physical symptoms when she goes on a rant.

My strategy, when she calls I don't answer.  If she calls multiple times I send a short text and say do you need me to do something, but I won't talk to her unless absolutely necessary.  We still have joint assets and after that is taken care of I plan to NC for a long long time, probably forever.

So don't worry, it happens to all of us. Trick is to let it run its course and go away.  Don't try to suppress it or hold it in because it stays longer if you do.

[Aussie JJ]

Elpis,

One thing that has helped me a huge amount has been a copign mechanism my P gave me.  

Identify the roles and dont play.  

Persecutor, Victim, Rescueer.  

I am not going to allow myself to be painted as evil, I will defend myself, I wont allow myself to be a victim of her actions, I will defend myself and I wont save her, I will save myself.  

With any contact now I try to just cut out these roles, identify them, they are always present and then not play any of those roles.  If anythign this has made me MORE nervous at the start.  Now, I do it automatically, I wont be a victim to her actions, I wont be the person who is blammed for her problems and I wont be the person to solve her problems.  

I do what I do for me.  It is still there, the anxiety however its different now, I am less anxious about her actions and more anxious about behaving differently myself.  Not enabling or stepping into those roles.  

Does this add up to you ?


AJJ.  

[mitchell16]

they reactions have lessoned for me. I used to hear from her and It would disrupt my whole day or week for that matter. Now after about 4 months It doesnt have th same reaction. Im getting angry about the constant attempts at contact its still almost daily. I have blocked her and now she uses a diffrent number. But NC is really the best way. In the past I would still engage her and It just kept me in emotional upset. Now, I feel better, I have started dating a wonderful caring lady and my life is so much better. The whole 3 years with  my ex I was never able to gain weight, sleep soundly, enjoy any holiday. Now, Ive gained 10 pounds, I sleep like a baby and Im so excited about christmas. It does get better but you have to give yourself time to heal and with everyone its diffrent.

[Elpis]

Thank you all for your gentle and caring answers!



InSearchofMe, I think your name says it all. When we get in these relationships we lose touch with our own selves while we're trying to pacify/soothe our BPD that we end up doubting every reaction and thought we have! Plus we've gotten trained to those heightened physical responses, I think, so our body just goes there before we can even think. Today I can breathe normally and that feels good... .

As I've done more and more work on myself and become more in control of my own life and how I interact with my ex, my reactions have lessened. I now make positive choices for me

Tibbles--That has to be the key--like I said above, I had grown to doubt every single thing about me, and in this process of trying to learn to take care of myself I can see I'm a bit further ahead than I was when I left 10 months ago--I guess I feel like I get my brain back sooner than I used to when the panic used to take over, and that's progress. My T always says to ask myself "what is the truth" and it used to be days before I could slow down the adrenalin enough to think. So there IS progress! Today I can see that. In the moment, in the hours after, all I can see is "how do I cope with this." It's learning what those positive choices for my own healing are, that's where i'm still learning. Great reminder.

Infern0--that's some crazy growth! 15 minutes is awesome. For me I know it's that I allowed myself to stay in the situation for far too many years, being busy raising kids and all that, so instead of walking away in those rages I would duck and cover but still be drowned in the deluge of negativity. Slow learner, that's me! That's a hopeful thing though. What's the thought process that gets you past the initial "sick" response?

My strategy, when she calls I don't answer.  If she calls multiple times I send a short text and say do you need me to do something, but I won't talk to her unless absolutely necessary.  We still have joint assets and after that is taken care of I plan to NC for a long long time, probably forever.

So don't worry, it happens to all of us. Trick is to let it run its course and go away.  :)on't try to suppress it or hold it in because it stays longer if you do.

Panther123--That's exactly what I've been trying to do, not answer. And his crazy just builds and builds and he gets more and more insulting--but we've gone from 9 calls one right after the other before he left a message to 4 calls before he left a message, so we're headed the right direction. It feels like such an assault!

"let it run its course"... .that makes sense. Just let all that flow through me and on out. Yesterday I was doing this visualization thing, "i am a stone in a river and the water of feelings runs over and around me... ." I have used it for other emotional events but not the ptsd-panic thing. I bet it would be really helpful for that. And this next year I need to deal with our joint assets (38 years of marriage!) and I do NOT look forward to the angst of that. (then it will be "i am a stone in the course of a flood... ." hahaha!)

Elpis,

One thing that has helped me a huge amount has been a copign mechanism my P gave me.  

Identify the roles and dont play.  

Persecutor, Victim, Rescueer.  

I wont be a victim to her actions, I wont be the person who is blammed for her problems and I wont be the person to solve her problems.  

I do what I do for me.  Not enabling or stepping into those roles.  

Does this add up to you ?

AJJ.  

Yes! That makes so much sense AJJ! And something with only 3 words to remember is really good for me.

Those are exactly the areas of struggle, aren't they? I have enabled for years and years, and I sense he still wants me to be the one to support him in his own struggle to change, which puts me firmly back in the Rescuer role that I failed at before. And when i'm afraid of him (which I still am sometimes, he is indeed a force of nature) i'm the victim. And I cannot be that any longer if I am to heal. And if I allow him to treat me with rage and disrespect I enable him as persecutor, right?

That would all fit well into the "what is the truth" my T is always trying to bring me back to--the truth is I cannot step into any of those roles or i'm back to being as sick as I was during the marriage. Remembering those 3 words can keep me from falling back into old patterns. I've been especially susceptible to guilt. Sound advice.


Mitchell16,

i'm not sure I can be polite to someone who is joyous about gaining weight! If i'd known you were looking for some pounds I would have happily shared!  

That "engaging" thing is the devil for sure--that's why I've worked so hard to learn not to respond when he's being an arse and hammering away angrily at the fact that I won't respond! I don't want to reward him for bad behavior.

I think I got so used to the continual upset with my uBPDh that i'm trying to even picture not worrying about the holidays--they were so hard with him, even vacations would usually cause a meltdown. I didn't realize all the previous years what was happening was that "painting me black" thing, but whatever it was that was bothering him was my fault and I was   And you're right, "time to heal" doesn't have an expiration date, it takes what it takes, and given the longevity of my r/s it may take me a bit longer than some.

Thank you all again, I really needed this positivity and support! I can feel the kindness in your words.  

[ucmeicu2]

yes Elpis, is does get better.  but getting over break-ups with Cluster B's is the hardest thing most people have ever had to do!  personally i didn't find "time" very helpful.  i had to focus really aggressively on my own recovery.

it's funny, i used to think it was excitement, butterflies, love!  now i see it for what it truly was:  adrenaline, fear, and peptide addiction. 

icu

[downwhim]

"it's funny, i used to think it was excitement, butterflies, love!  now i see it for what it truly was:  adrenaline, fear, and peptide addiction.  "

I think this statement is so accurate. I look back and wonder how I survived with the pit in my stomach and the worry over which mood I was going to receive when I saw him. Pissed over something or the nice guy... .hum. torture was what he put me through and now I look at it as the replacement gave me a gift. Freedom to figure out who I am without him.

[Pingo]

Elpis, I think part of that physical reaction is the fact that we feel like we have no control over the situation at that time.  We cannot stop them from saying the hurtful, cruel things.  We know that defending ourselves is pointless, they will not listen.  What I found the most helpful in reducing the triggers is to put my foot down and not tolerate it for another minute.  I put a blacklist app on my phone (android) that blocked his texts.  But he found another way to harass me, through email and then finally a phone message on my work phone.  I said enough was enough and threatened a RO if he contacted me again.  Seems to have worked, haven't heard a peep from him since.  Taking that action, getting totally p*ssed and saying I won't tolerate anymore nonsense from him has really helped reduce my overall triggers and my daily anxiety and depression. 

[Elpis]

There's definitely a fear component to it, and that fight/flight/freeze reaction that starts the adrenaline flowing!

I just had another near miss with the uBPDh last night where he felt the need to text derogatory words about my parenting. Keep in mind, all our children are adults! He tries to guilt me about how I shouldn't treat them badly because I don't want to talk to him and tells me I'm letting my son down (he's 26) because I always made Christmas special for him previously, and now I'm not there. Later I realized that he's probably actually talking about himself since I'm the one who would decorate and plan for Christmas. I spent years trying to get my h involved to no avail. So now i'm sure he feels like a child who nobody is taking care of. So, projection. But of course if it's one of our kids I jump and check on that kid!

  i had to focus really aggressively on my own recovery.

icu

I'm sure you're right about this--I've been working hard to understand the things that trigger me, and that is what it takes, doesn't it? I realized yesterday while out shopping and I was talking to a woman with a very passionate take on everything that her forceful demeanor and outspokenness made me cringe away and feel attacked. The friend with me said that it was cultural in part, but to my friend the woman didn't seem argumentative like she did to me. So there's another trigger, alive and well and living in my body!

Freedom to figure out who I am without him.

I can see that i'll be able to get there once I truly am more free from him, but those 38 years of marriage and the shared kids and grandkids has been hugely complicating in my learning to extricate myself from his clutches. But it's a process, right?

We cannot stop them from saying the hurtful, cruel things.  We know that defending ourselves is pointless, they will not listen.  What I found the most helpful in reducing the triggers is to put my foot down and not tolerate it for another minute.   Taking that action, getting totally p*ssed and saying I won't tolerate anymore nonsense from him has really helped reduce my overall triggers and my daily anxiety and depression. 

Given the connection over pets and kids (haha! I see I put the doggies before the kids!) and money, I need to figure out how to filter his nastiness from the things I actually need to hear. And that not listening thing? Boy that is so true! I need to figure out how to not react when he is trying to push me about my relationship to our children--he needs to take care of his own relationship with them and let me take care of mine. I need to remember that when he starts on his roll of trying to make me feel guilty or obligated. My kids are no obligation! I love them and communicate with them directly, but my uBPDh loves to get in there and put that sliver under my skin!

Not sure how I could get him to stop the harassing part and only communicate if truly necessary (like about joint finances or if the dogs need something.) Especially since, as you pointed out, HE DOESN'T LISTEN!

[Pingo]

Elpis, One thing I have done lately with my first husband (non BPD but a pain in my a$$ nonetheless)... .He will call me up and chit chat about anything and everything going on in his life.  I used to listen for a while and then make an excuse to get off the phone.  I thought I was doing my s10 a favour by trying to get along with his dad.  But if I had anything critical to say about him or his parenting, look out!  He'd snap and start raging at me, sarcasm, verbal abuse, etc.  So after this BU I went through this year with my uBPDexh something snapped in me, I'm just not willing to put up with ANY BS from anyone!  So after the last time my first h raged, I said no more phone calls, no more texting!  If he wants to communicate with me he can email me!  He has not liked this!  And he continues to push the boundaries.  He has phoned me and I've said 'is this an emergency?' and he gets all p*ssed and hangs up on me.  He tells me I'm being a child, etc.  But I have stuck to it.  I have taken control of my interactions with him.  He'll never change but I can feel good about not letting him abuse me any further.  I think the key is to keep the interactions limited to business and ignore/reject the rest.

[Elpis]

Pingo,

I do believe you're right. I know my uBPDh wants to pull me back into being his listener, a function I fulfilled for years in our marriage. He wasn't terribly interested to hear what I had to say, he'd just keep reading stuff on his laptop while I talked, but boy he likes to hear himself talk!

I told my T that I had felt like I was "buying good will" by trying to be polite with him after I left (she questioned that motive.) But I know none of that will matter once he knows I am seriously going to work to get my half of our finances. I think he will easily forget anything I ever did that was good and I will become the all bad person. And if I think he's been bad-talking me already I better hold on for the ride!

[Arminius]

Mine certainly got less and less over time.

The first time she split me black and unleashed one of her patented torrents of vile hatred, the effect it had on me put me into a nervous breakdown and it took me honestly about 2 months to feel happy again. The most recent time I felt a bit sick but within 15 minutes I was back in action and over it.

This is accurate. The first proper tirade of hatred came in our first post-split counselling session. I was stunned at the monster before me. The counsellor refused to continue, it was that bad.

The next was 4 months later ( yes, I allowed her to spin me a yards of reconciliation for four months... .) when I finally grew the balls to change the locks. It caused her to unravel and the hatred was so controlled and hideous that I had to get law enforcement involved.

I wish her no well.