How to resolve issues and accountability

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm frustrated, angry and exhausted.  My husband carries on with life on his terms, trampling over people, hurting others by his behaviors and refuses to acknowledge his poor behavior or take responsibility.  I know that he knows he's wrong, but he won't discuss anything.  If you try and tell him that you're hurt by his words, he gets defensive, shifts blame and walks away.  He'll then come back later as if nothings happened, he tests the water on my reaction to see if I'm still upset.  He'll buy me something because it would be ungrateful for me to be upset at him when he's being so awesome to me.  If, I show that I'm still upset, he shifts the blame onto me and I'm the ungrateful person that's never happy etc.  He'll never try and resolve an issue, he just ignores them, runs from them and proceeds as if nothings happened. 

His actions tell me that he's going to do as he wishes with no regard.  I've put up with it so why would he change?  He's too good to me so I'd never leave him (so he feels).

Yes, he's been in therapy for 3 years.  I'm not too happy with his therapist.  I like her, just not happy with treatment or lack of. 

I don't know how to address this in a healthy way.  It's hard to go on like nothings wrong because it makes me feel like he knows he can get away with his behaviors.

Any advice?

[Breaze513]

I'm frustrated, angry and exhausted.  My husband carries on with life on his terms, trampling over people, hurting others by his behaviors and refuses to acknowledge his poor behavior or take responsibility.  I know that he knows he's wrong, but he won't discuss anything.  If you try and tell him that you're hurt by his words, he gets defensive, shifts blame and walks away.  He'll then come back later as if nothings happened, he tests the water on my reaction to see if I'm still upset.  He'll buy me something because it would be ungrateful for me to be upset at him when he's being so awesome to me.  If, I show that I'm still upset, he shifts the blame onto me and I'm the ungrateful person that's never happy etc.  He'll never try and resolve an issue, he just ignores them, runs from them and proceeds as if nothings happened. 

His actions tell me that he's going to do as he wishes with no regard.  I've put up with it so why would he change?  He's too good to me so I'd never leave him (so he feels).

Yes, he's been in therapy for 3 years.  I'm not too happy with his therapist.  I like her, just not happy with treatment or lack of. 

I don't know how to address this in a healthy way.  It's hard to go on like nothings wrong because it makes me feel like he knows he can get away with his behaviors.

Any advice?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Breaze,

I understand how frustrated, angry, and exhausting it is to have your feelings invalidated     Avoidance/defense mechanisms are really tough to cope with.  

I have had the same problem with my pwBPD.  He avoids anything that could be considered upsetting.  When I have talked to him about things that upset me, he has projected his own feelings on to me. I learned how to cope with his projection by learning about why my pwBPD behaves that way. Please read more about projection

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection


Learning how to effectively communicate with a person who exhibits this type of behavior is a great way to address your concerns.  Communication techniques have really helped me address my concerns with my pwBPD's behavior.  This article is a great introduction and start to learning how to effectively communicate. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Do you have a support system?  I found having my own support system of family, friends, BPD Family,and my therapist really helped me cope with many of the behaviors.  Through my support system, I learned to depersonalize a lot of my pwBPD's behaviors and to focus on myself more.  Posting here really helps too.  

[vortex of confusion]

I'm frustrated, angry and exhausted.  My husband carries on with life on his terms, trampling over people, hurting others by his behaviors and refuses to acknowledge his poor behavior or take responsibility. 

Even if he acknowledged it and took responsibility, that would not mean that he would change. I said that same thing for years. My husband is acknowledging his behaviors but does nothing to change them on a consistent basis. My husband will tell me what he thinks I want to hear but nothing ever seems to truly change.

If you try and tell him that you're hurt by his words, he gets defensive, shifts blame and walks away. 

The defensiveness is really hard to take. The communication techniques help but I have found that my husband can get defensive over something really small or mundane. Even a simple question can lead to him getting defensive and thinking that I am attacking him. There isn't really anything you can do other that learn to not take it personally, read about the communication techniques, and hope for the best. Before learning about not JADEing, I would respond to his defensiveness by getting defensive back. It would then devolve into a mess. It is still frustrating but at least I have found ways to keep it from escalating.

His actions tell me that he's going to do as he wishes with no regard.  I've put up with it so why would he change?  He's too good to me so I'd never leave him (so he feels).

Have you done any reading or thinking about boundaries? I have been trying to figure out what I can do to set better boundaries so that I don't feel like I am putting up with stuff because I don't have a choice. I know that I have had a lot of conflicting feelings over the years. On one hand, he does do a lot of nice things for me. On the other, those nice things do not cancel out the fact that he can be such a jerk.

Yes, he's been in therapy for 3 years.  I'm not too happy with his therapist.  I like her, just not happy with treatment or lack of. 

Don't blame his therapist. Some people go to therapy just to be able to say, "See, look at what I am doing. I am going to therapy and doing everything you say but you still aren't happy." That is a bit cynical to say but there are times when I see that with my husband. He is in a 12 step program for sex addiction and he sees a therapist on occasion. From where I am sitting, it seems to make him even more self centered than he was before because now everything is about how well he is doing and how great his recovery is going. I don't see it. IF he brings something up with his therapist or his sponsor, they are helpful but that help only goes as far as my husband is willing to listen and implement it.

I don't know how to address this in a healthy way.  It's hard to go on like nothings wrong because it makes me feel like he knows he can get away with his behaviors.

The only way to address it in a healthy way is to focus on yourself and your reactions. Yes, I am so unbelievably exhausted by twisting myself in knots over the years. Instead of focusing on him, focus on yourself. Read the stuff about setting boundaries and stopping the bleeding. Find a way to rejuvenate yourself. There are some really good lessons on the right side of this forum that can help you try to make sense out of things. I have been reading through the lessons on all three of the forums about having a significant other with BPD. The staying helps me to find tools to get through day to day stuff. The undecided helps me to come to terms with it all and the leaving helps me to figure out how to detach. I am trying to not be so enmeshed with my husband that I take everything so personally. His behaviors are less bothersome when I am able to see that he is his own person and I am my own person. I don't have to take everything he says so personally. That is much easier said than done.

Any advice?[/quote]
LI 

[Breaze513]

Hi Breaze,

I understand how frustrated, angry, and exhausting it is to have your feelings invalidated     Avoidance/defense mechanisms are really tough to cope with.  

I have had the same problem with my pwBPD.  He avoids anything that could be considered upsetting.  When I have talked to him about things that upset me, he has projected his own feelings on to me. I learned how to cope with his projection by learning about why my pwBPD behaves that way. Please read more about projection

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

I've earned a PhD by proxy from all the self help stuff I've read, HA!  He projects, denies, and rationalizes everything.  His T knows this but I've yet to see a change or exercises to practice recognizing and correcting it.  It's like he just gets away with the behavior.

Learning how to effectively communicate with a person who exhibits this type of behavior is a great way to address your concerns.  Communication techniques have really helped me address my concerns with my pwBPD's behavior.  This article is a great introduction and start to learning how to effectively communicate. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

I do need to read up on S.E.T., thank you.  I've tried everything to communicate, but it's like talking to a wall.  He gets angry, projects, rationalizes.  So, I either shut up, or get angry and frustrated.  

Do you have a support system?  I found having my own support system of family, friends, BPD Family,and my therapist really helped me cope with many of the behaviors.  Through my support system, I learned to depersonalize a lot of my pwBPD's behaviors and to focus on myself more.  Posting here really helps too.  

Support system? Ack!  I've been to counseling for just myself.  It came down to the fact that I needed to leave because he's not going to change, or learn to cope and make myself happy.  He's been seeing a T for 3 years now and I go from time to time.  But, honestly going with him to his T leaves me even more frustrated.  She only validates me when we're alone, not when he's in the room.  She listens to my concerns and when he starts to get upset she changes the subject, pisses me off!  That's why nothing ever gets resolved and when I asked her about it she told me that she redirects the conversation when he starts to get uncomfortable because she rather deal with the issues when they're alone.  Which means it never gets resolved and my feelings are invalidated and he's never held accountable.  I believe she diminishes his behaviors as well, which leaves me confused and questioning myself.



I started opening up to friends a few years ago when things got really bad between him and my kids (they're out of the house now).  It gets to the point that I'm repeating myself as his behaviors are predictable.  Every person in my life prays that I'll start valuing myself and leave him, they worry about me.  I know that I need to really evaluate myself and why I continue to allow myself to be treated this way.  I've always been of the mindset to take the good with the bad etc., To see the good in others and not focus on the bad etc.  We have complicated financial ties and I know that he'll end up in a death war with me, not sure I'm strong enough for that right now.  Also, benefits are a concern as I have a dependent sick child. My sick child (his step-daughter) has played a huge role in my denial and tolerance of my situation.  She's doing very well these days though.  Praise God!



I feel like I really need to commit myself somewhere to hash all this out and come up with understanding, confidence, clarity and a plan.  Too much at stake and fear of additional pain?  Thanks for listening to me ramble. <3

[Breaze513]

I'm frustrated, angry and exhausted.  My husband carries on with life on his terms, trampling over people, hurting others by his behaviors and refuses to acknowledge his poor behavior or take responsibility.

Even if he acknowledged it and took responsibility, that would not mean that he would change. I said that same thing for years. My husband is acknowledging his behaviors but does nothing to change them on a consistent basis. My husband will tell me what he thinks I want to hear but nothing ever seems to truly change.

Very true!  By acknowledging doesn't mean he'll change.  He behaves, acts out, rationalizes, repeat.

If you try and tell him that you're hurt by his words, he gets defensive, shifts blame and walks away.  

The defensiveness is really hard to take. The communication techniques help but I have found that my husband can get defensive over something really small or mundane. Even a simple question can lead to him getting defensive and thinking that I am attacking him. There isn't really anything you can do other that learn to not take it personally, read about the communication techniques, and hope for the best. Before learning about not JADEing, I would respond to his defensiveness by getting defensive back. It would then devolve into a mess. It is still frustrating but at least I have found ways to keep it from escalating.

I've asked his T and have read in depth about defensiveness.  One day he was looking out the window and I asked, "Whatcha looking at?"  He freaked out!  I got pissed at his reaction, wrong I know, but What the heck?  I told him that he was obviously thinking about something that he was ashamed about or he wouldn't have gotten so upset.  He feels like you're telling him what to do, or how to do things and he freaks out.  Get upset at something real dude.  It's frustrating.

His actions tell me that he's going to do as he wishes with no regard.  I've put up with it so why would he change?  He's too good to me so I'd never leave him (so he feels).

Have you done any reading or thinking about boundaries? I have been trying to figure out what I can do to set better boundaries so that I don't feel like I am putting up with stuff because I don't have a choice. I know that I have had a lot of conflicting feelings over the years. On one hand, he does do a lot of nice things for me. On the other, those nice things do not cancel out the fact that he can be such a jerk.

We have a lot in common.   My husband is really good to me in so many ways.  He's not jealous, he's generous etc.  But, it doesn't make up for the condescending comments, snide remarks, not involving me in martial decisions, transparency, emotionally void, no intimacy and won't even discuss it, instigating fights with my kids, retaliating against my children, childish behavior, stalking, blah blah blah... . But, I travel and have the best of the best.

Yes, he's been in therapy for 3 years.  I'm not too happy with his therapist.  I like her, just not happy with treatment or lack of.  

Don't blame his therapist. Some people go to therapy just to be able to say, "See, look at what I am doing. I am going to therapy and doing everything you say but you still aren't happy." That is a bit cynical to say but there are times when I see that with my husband. He is in a 12 step program for sex addiction and he sees a therapist on occasion. From where I am sitting, it seems to make him even more self centered than he was before because now everything is about how well he is doing and how great his recovery is going. I don't see it. IF he brings something up with his therapist or his sponsor, they are helpful but that help only goes as far as my husband is willing to listen and implement it.

He looks for her approval from what she's told me.  He's not honest with her though, he basis his truth on his emotions.  His reality is very distorted when it comes to his behaviors, only his though.  His T has got to have this figured out, but, it's frustrating because she doesn't know the truth until I go in and speak to her.  He lies even when caught read handed and it pisses me off that she doesn't call him out on it.  Grr.

I don't know how to address this in a healthy way.  It's hard to go on like nothings wrong because it makes me feel like he knows he can get away with his behaviors.

The only way to address it in a healthy way is to focus on yourself and your reactions. Yes, I am so unbelievably exhausted by twisting myself in knots over the years. Instead of focusing on him, focus on yourself. Read the stuff about setting boundaries and stopping the bleeding. Find a way to rejuvenate yourself. There are some really good lessons on the right side of this forum that can help you try to make sense out of things. I have been reading through the lessons on all three of the forums about having a significant other with BPD. The staying helps me to find tools to get through day to day stuff. The undecided helps me to come to terms with it all and the leaving helps me to figure out how to detach. I am trying to not be so enmeshed with my husband that I take everything so personally. His behaviors are less bothersome when I am able to see that he is his own person and I am my own person. I don't have to take everything he says so personally. That is much easier said than done.

Great advice, thank you so much!  I really need to work on myself.  I know it's not about me, it's hard being the emotional punching bag with no accountability from him.  He knows I'm upset right now, I even moved into our spare bedroom last night and today he's called being so nice and asking about our plans for the evening.  That's the behavior that upsets me.  Talk about what's bothering me and validate why I'm upset before moving on.  Otherwise I'm left feeling that he doesn't care, he does as he wishes, it's like an F-U too bad, he walks away then reappears like nothings wrong.



Thanks for listening to my babble.  

Any advice?

[EaglesJuju]

I can see how frustrating it is going to therapy with him.  Have you considered seeing another therapist for yourself?  Perhaps going to another therapist will allow you to focus on your needs more. 

It is so easy to forget our needs when we are coping with a pwBPD's behavior.  I was so intertwined in my bf's behavior, I started to forget about myself. Ultimately, I knew that I had to work on myself before I could even start working on my relationship.

Take the time to focus on you.  You are important too!