Breakthroughs and what I learned from my pwBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been having a lot of success with communication with my bf.  We were having huge problems with communicating about a month ago.  I felt completely invalidated and he was sticking to his usual avoidance type of behavior. He was sticking to "safe" conversation and basically shutting down when it came to talking about expectations or feelings.  I was using SET but, the T part was really hard for him. I felt it was important to me to include the T part all the time. Also I was getting really frustrated with constantly texting all the time. It felt so impersonal and almost distant.

I started thinking differently and started asking myself some questions.  What was making him shut down? What types of things were triggering him? Are my expectations of him reasonable? How can I make communication better and easier for him and I? How can I validate myself at the same time validating him?

While thinking about these questions, one thing resonated with me. He had told me many times that talking with people, while he is dysregulating, is really hard for him. He was inadvertently telling me that he felt like he could not trust anyone.  Although I would rather talk on the phone, he seemed to be really receptive while texting. I decided compromising and communicating through text would be the best way to address our issues. 

Using SET, I told him that I understand how it is hard for him to talk to anyone at this time, I am here to support him, and openness/intimacy is something that I find very important in relationships. He agreed that intimacy is really important in relationships as well.  To make sure we were on the same page, I asked him what his definition of intimacy is.  He told me and it was the same definition I had. 

I knew that I had to take charge of the conversations and to do so in a way that he was comfortable.  Also, I knew bringing everything up at once would be overload.  I decided to bring up one issue at a time.  Our entire conversations were not all "serious," they were a mix of typical conversation as well. 

I started opening up to him about my dependent personality disorder/codependency. I thought this was a good way to make him feel at ease and establish more trust.  At first he just listened, then he was asking question after question. It was so awesome that he was essentially validating me by asking questions and wanting to know more.

Eventually, he started telling me what it is like to be him. I never pushed him, he started telling me because  felt "safe" and could "completely trust me." He told me that his emotions are so painful and intense and it is easier for him to avoid them.  He told me about his projecting and anger.  He told me about his abandonment fears. His openness spread like wildfire. He started telling me everything. While he was telling me, I made sure I validated him. 

What I learned was:  to pick and choose my battles, listen to the subtle hints, do not push for anything-patience and time is the key, maintain and establish trust, be cognizant to what triggers him, validation for both of us is important, establish boundaries and stick to them, step up and be the emotional caretaker and lead when he cannot, use communication tools while discussing serious topics, provide clear expectations, compromise is essential, provide support and understanding, feelings are not facts but they are important too, do not overwhelm him with everything at once, and not to be scared to discuss certain things. 

[EaglesJuju]

I have been having a lot of success with communication with my bf.  We were having huge problems with communicating about a month ago.  I felt completely invalidated and he was sticking to his usual avoidance type of behavior. He was sticking to "safe" conversation and basically shutting down when it came to talking about expectations or feelings.  I was using SET but, the T part was really hard for him. I felt it was important to me to include the T part all the time. Also I was getting really frustrated with constantly texting all the time. It felt so impersonal and almost distant.

I started thinking differently and started asking myself some questions.  What was making him shut down? What types of things were triggering him? Are my expectations of him reasonable? How can I make communication better and easier for him and I? How can I validate myself at the same time validating him?

While thinking about these questions, one thing resonated with me. He had told me many times that talking with people, while he is dysregulating, is really hard for him. He was inadvertently telling me that he felt like he could not trust anyone.  Although I would rather talk on the phone, he seemed to be really receptive while texting. I decided compromising and communicating through text would be the best way to address our issues. 

Using SET, I told him that I understand how it is hard for him to talk to anyone at this time, I am here to support him, and openness/intimacy is something that I find very important in relationships. He agreed that intimacy is really important in relationships as well.  To make sure we were on the same page, I asked him what his definition of intimacy is.  He told me and it was the same definition I had. 

I knew that I had to take charge of the conversations and to do so in a way that he was comfortable.  Also, I knew bringing everything up at once would be overload.  I decided to bring up one issue at a time.  Our entire conversations were not all "serious," they were a mix of typical conversation as well. 

I started opening up to him about my dependent personality disorder/codependency. I thought this was a good way to make him feel at ease and establish more trust.  At first he just listened, then he was asking question after question. It was so awesome that he was essentially validating me by asking questions and wanting to know more.

Eventually, he started telling me what it is like to be him. I never pushed him, he started telling me because  felt "safe" and could "completely trust me." He told me that his emotions are so painful and intense and it is easier for him to avoid them.  He told me about his projecting and anger.  He told me about his abandonment fears. His openness spread like wildfire. He started telling me everything. While he was telling me, I made sure I validated him. 

What I learned was:  to pick and choose my battles, listen to the subtle hints, do not push for anything-patience and time is the key, maintain and establish trust, be cognizant to what triggers him, validation for both of us is important, establish boundaries and stick to them, step up and be the emotional caretaker and lead when he cannot, use communication tools while discussing serious topics, provide clear expectations, compromise is essential, provide support and understanding, feelings are not facts but they are important too, do not overwhelm him with everything at once, and not to be scared to discuss certain things. 

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[formflier]

I knew that I had to take charge of the conversations and to do so in a way that he was comfortable.  

Interesting... .can you talk more about this.

Who was in charge before?  What does "taking charge" look like now.   What way helps him be comfortable?

[EaglesJuju]

I knew that I had to take charge of the conversations and to do so in a way that he was comfortable.  

Interesting... .can you talk more about this.

Who was in charge before?  What does "taking charge" look like now.   What way helps him be comfortable?

Before, no one was in charge. Sometimes it was really awkward even having a normal conversation. He would look to me to start communicating.  Honestly, I would do the same thing. We were both scared of having a conversation, especially one involving feelings or expectations. He was scared that he might lash out or get upset.  I was scared that I would say the wrong thing or get him upset. Both of us were dancing around all of the issues and not saying anything, because we were worried about how he was going to react.

Now I direct the conversations.  Eventually, I would like to get to a point where we both can do it.  He told me that he has a hard time talking to anyone at the current time. I understand that he still wants to communicate, but he is looking for me to guide the conversations. If there is something "difficult" that needs to be discussed, I see what type of mood he is in to either push forward or wait for another time. Talking about difficult things when he is dysregulating is a disaster and typically ends up with him projecting, getting extremely defensive, or him stopping the entire conversation. 

If he is in more of a stable mood, I say something on the lines of, "I was thinking about X and would like to discuss that." I found being unequivocal and direct really helps with him. I use SET while discussing the difficult topic. If he starts diverting the topic, he tends to say I love you while we discuss difficult things as a way for me to change the subject, I direct it back; I say I love you too but, this is something that is very important to discuss.   

He feels really comfortable when I can "relate" to him. He often has told me that no one understands him or the way he feels.  It is tricky though because, sometimes "understanding" may come across as invalidating. Also, he feels comfortable if I reassure him that I love him and just because we disagree or have concerns it does not mean I love him any less or he is a bad person.  Self-loathing is something that he struggles with and he equals disagreeing or concerns as him being a terrible person. 

I have set boundaries with who contacts who first. I told him that along with the importance of communication, it takes two people to communicate and I cannot be the one that always contacts him. I contacted him first and then he would have to contact me the next day. If he did not contact me the next day, I did not call him and gave him the chance to step up.  I found that doing it this way, neither of us would be slighted.