After 16 yrs, this is it. Divorced decided this morning.

[HopefulOne44]

 :'(

My most recent thread has disappeared (from "Leaving... " section), but hopefully accessible soon (I've contacted mods) as it has many details about what has happened prior to this recent development and what I would be posting now would make more sense.

I do have an urgent question however regarding the post-divorce discussion/decision.

What happened was that my u(BPD)h became irate yet again this morning, at something which prompted a 3 hour long tearful discussion, that culminated in deciding the only thing left for us would be to divorce.  We verbalized that neither of us could see how anything would change for the better for us, in the future. 

So, my concern is that altho' this was decided upon mutually, and, he says he almost feels 'better' (post discussion), I'm very aware of how the pendulum can swing.

Is there anyone on the forum that once separation/divorce was decided, that everything went alright?  How did your u/dBPD partner react post-discussion?  Was there a period of things being ok, then a 'freak out'?  This is what I'm very worried about.

I would appreciate anyone sharing their experience with this and how it went for you, and, if you have any recommendations to make in terms of what I can prepare myself for.

Thank you most kindly for reading.

HopefulOne44

[ForeverDad]

The odds around here are that a divorce with children is neither simple nor quick nor inexpensive.  However, a lot depends on the disordered spouse.  Is he a possessive parent?  How concerned is he about his public image, would you describe him as determined to win and you lose?

It has often be stated that the greatest trigger with BPD is abandonment, an apt description of how a pwBPD would perceive divorce.  So he might try to win you back or make empty promises to keep you from ending it.  Conversely, he might try to do the reverse, abandon you before you can abandon him.

Everybody has ups and downs with feelings and moods, but they're more extreme for pwBPD.  Perceptions, moods and feelings mean more to - and change faster with - a pwBPD than facts and logic.  It's not uncommon for a pwBPD to make false allegations to get the upper edge in a divorce.  (Usually we write that to our male members about their wives, but it can happen to our female members too.  Be aware, beware.)

It may not matter who files first for divorce but I've always thought it best for the more reasonably normal spouse file first.  If the disordered spouse files first then the reasonably normal spouse may have to play defense against all the 'unsubstantiated' allegations.  One reason false allegations are made by the other spouse is so that we Nice Guys and Nice Gals are painted bad so we look worse than them and their poor behaviors.

In general, beware of hiding the bad things that happened during the marriage.  Hiding the facts will not help our cases.  But be aware of what the court does pay attention to, what it sees as 'actionable'.  So if you complain about what he does to you, it may have an overall impact but much of the less bad stuff will be ignored, not rising to the level of being seen as 'actionable'.  The courts will put more focus on the parenting behaviors than the adult behaviors.  You may have righteous indignation and tons of incidents to report but the court may not be interested in most of it.  Accept that.  If the court would be interested in an incident, be sure to have documentation or at least a journal or log of dates, times, locations, etc. so that it won't be considered "he-said, she-said" and be ignored as vague hearsay.

Understand too that courts don't generally try to fix the parents, they deal with them as they are.  You should too.  Yes, the court may order counseling in some cases, perhaps even Anger Management classes in extreme cases, but that's about it.

Generally there are at least a few things that don't go right, especially at the beginning of the separation and divorce process.  If there is conflict, the court may start with the presumption that both parents are problem parents.  Over time the court may see that you're the solutions parent and not the problem parent.  But don't presume the court will always do the right thing.  Word of advice, try to get the best temp order possible right from the start, it is very hard to improve it later.  As has been said here before, temp orders are very likely to morph into permanent orders.  If a court has the impression that a temp order has been 'working' then there's a likelihood the court will be reluctant to change what works.

In my case, my ex was made the temporary custodial parent with majority time even though I had a protection order from another court and she was blocked from the house.  All the court asked was one question, what our work schedules were, and I replied "I work normal weekdays" and she replied "I work from home".  (Yes, she couldn't go home.)  What took her 30 minutes to get, I was unable to change during the entire length of the 2 year divorce, she delayed the divorce process as long as possible because she had a favorable temp order.  It took me about 8 years total to get an order that worked and that didn't feed her sense of control and entitlement.