Someone please kick my butt... PLEASE

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't expect anyone to remember me. I was active for a period maybe a year ago for a spell.  I thought I learned a lot, and thought I learned nothing all at the same time.  In years past, a soured relationship of 17 years caused me to re-evaluate my life and my knowledge of relationships, which also caused me to become more and more interested in women.  In a nutshell what I mean is- what makes women tick.  I've become very conscious of needs of others (sound familiar?) and less of my own.

Things "kinda" got better (or seemed to). My S.O. started taking different meds, and on and off things seemed to get better and then back to normal. Yesterday (New Years Day) was the worse New Years Day I've ever experienced... .not to mention that it seems that the BPD is flaring itself up.  I've be so friggin' down on myself as well as being totally confused.  Typical BPD type stuff... .making a mountain out of a grain of sand. Continuously blaming me for everything, (I keep putting her down, I keep telling her what to do, etc.)  The new thing is that I should NEVER correct her in front of her daughter (which is a crock of course) I can see that she is unhappy with her life, but she's taking me down too.  The I hate you/I love you relationship.  I am continuously backed into a corner and I am like an animal that needs to NOT be backed into a corner.  I handle it badly by often threatening to leave... .and then not.   I really really really want to leave... .and I really love her.  We just cannot escape from living in the NOW to actually working on a future.  I get the blame for that too.  I cannot keep my head in a good enuff place to be creative and productive (my business).

I've helped create my own "helplessness". I gained weight. My leg is in constant pain from a fall years back. My financial situation is $0 and of course there is no insurance.  She works, and occasional income on my part is EXTREMELY minimal.

I know if and when she comes out of this spell, I'm going to want to stay and keep going in this destructive life.  So how do I plan this?  I know it can be done... .right?  I need help with this, but I'm so down on myself that I don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore.  I understand how a BPD person can KILL a non BPD person. I'm beyond weak right now, I've left my guard down and don't remember nearly anything that I used to know.  This relationship is like the titanic.

[DyingLove]

I don't expect anyone to remember me. I was active for a period maybe a year ago for a spell.  I thought I learned a lot, and thought I learned nothing all at the same time.  In years past, a soured relationship of 17 years caused me to re-evaluate my life and my knowledge of relationships, which also caused me to become more and more interested in women.  In a nutshell what I mean is- what makes women tick.  I've become very conscious of needs of others (sound familiar?) and less of my own.

Things "kinda" got better (or seemed to). My S.O. started taking different meds, and on and off things seemed to get better and then back to normal. Yesterday (New Years Day) was the worse New Years Day I've ever experienced... .not to mention that it seems that the BPD is flaring itself up.  I've be so friggin' down on myself as well as being totally confused.  Typical BPD type stuff... .making a mountain out of a grain of sand. Continuously blaming me for everything, (I keep putting her down, I keep telling her what to do, etc.)  The new thing is that I should NEVER correct her in front of her daughter (which is a crock of course) I can see that she is unhappy with her life, but she's taking me down too.  The I hate you/I love you relationship.  I am continuously backed into a corner and I am like an animal that needs to NOT be backed into a corner.  I handle it badly by often threatening to leave... .and then not.   I really really really want to leave... .and I really love her.  We just cannot escape from living in the NOW to actually working on a future.  I get the blame for that too.  I cannot keep my head in a good enuff place to be creative and productive (my business).

I've helped create my own "helplessness". I gained weight. My leg is in constant pain from a fall years back. My financial situation is $0 and of course there is no insurance.  She works, and occasional income on my part is EXTREMELY minimal.

I know if and when she comes out of this spell, I'm going to want to stay and keep going in this destructive life.  So how do I plan this?  I know it can be done... .right?  I need help with this, but I'm so down on myself that I don't know whether I'm coming or going anymore.  I understand how a BPD person can KILL a non BPD person. I'm beyond weak right now, I've left my guard down and don't remember nearly anything that I used to know.  This relationship is like the titanic.

[vortex of confusion]

Take a deep breath! Here is a great big hug.   I know how difficult it is to try to make sense of all this stuff.

I have been married to my husband for 16.5 years and there is no end in sight. On one hand, I would love to find a way to make things work but on the other hand I am so unbelievably exhausted from it all. I take things one day at a time. I am currently trying to work on myself professionally so that I can get to a point where I can afford to take care of myself and our 4 kids. It is a long and slow road.

I have been trying to figure out an exit strategy so that I am prepared for whatever events may happen. I know the feeling of wanting to leave. I try not to bring that up with my spouse any more. It is a quiet plan that I think about and try to figure out on my own or with people that I trust in real life.

Try to find things that give you hope. (I know, easier said than done.) Find things that you CAN do. Make lists of stuff that you can do to make you feel better. Can you find steady work? What do you like to do? I try so hard to find things that give me hope but there are still days when it feels like this situation will never end.

[DyingLove]

Thank you Vortex.  16.5 years!  WOW... .how are you doing this?  I'm only in 3-4 years and I'm whipped!

She keeps throwing curves too... .we hardly make any money extra after the bills, but she wants to get passes to Busch gardens and do all kinds of "costly" stuff.  It's mainly her money, so how can I say no except give her my opinion which is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS freakin' wrong.  Then it gets into... .I tell her what to do, she has no life, I put her down. etc.  I'm just so beat... .I know and understand about the "quiet" departure thingie... .but it's like that can't happen cause of no money... .Damned if I do and don't kinda syndrome.  But I'm glad you replied, cause I really need that hug and a hundred more.  The right woman would have her life all set with me... .I know this... .I'm not perfect but I'm faithful and GOOD!