she's back again

[somecallmenick]

After 6 years of having my mother live with me and my children , about 3 months ago I had to ask her to leave. She had a horrendous episode insulting and calling me names and verbally attacking me in front of my children. I had to ask her to leave. She went to stay with friends. As the holidays approached she did he usual reappearing act... acting as nothing harmful was ever said. And I did my typical thing of just being OK with bringing her around. Though she's been living with friends , she seems to have renested herself back in the home. I really have been so much happier without her here. And now though she is on her best behavior ... I know it's a matter of time before the witch reappears. I can't take another Rollercoaster ride. I was so sure (as I always am) that it was the final straw. I don't want her here. But I guess she's exhausted her stay at her friends homes. She is being so kind to me and the kids. As she usually does when she's been away for a while. But she somehow slivers back in... and I'm feeling very anxious and annoyed about the prospect of having here again. I was in such a better place emotionally . Then the guilt creeps in... thinking I'm responsible for her and her wellbeing. I just don't want to be responsible for her and worry about when she will start to deteriorate again and become cruel. I don't know how to tell her again... that I don't want her here. Without feeling such shame and guilt that comes with all of this. None of my friends seem to get this... as they don't undrrstand. They can't fathom displacing their parents. I've tried numerous times over the years to help her. By giving her a place in my home (as a single mother of 3) she is helpful at times. But it comes with a lot of resentment eventually. She over does and over behaves and then gets angry when she feels I am not appreciative for things I don't even ask her to do. Then it gets ugly. Then the darkness and heavy vibe begins to take over my home. And the subtle yet damaging comments she makes to my children begin. I can't have them continue to see their mother have to kick grandma out. They've gone through enough with the divorce and a father who doesn't act as though they exisist. I needed to vent tonight. I got her to go to a friends for the weekend ... and she left the car saying "she'll be home" on Sunday or monday. I really don't want her back here. Regardless of how nice she's behaving . It won't last. It never does. And I want this to be a happy new year for me . And nothing about my mom is happy to me. She represents guilt and another mouth and life to feel responsible for. It a big boulder I drag around. As I wait. Still. For the nastiness to come. It can be in a week it can be in a month or 3. But it will come again. I am actually a very positive person. With all aspects of my life and work. But when it comes to my mom... she is one thing I loose faith in and have been disappointed one too many times to think anything will change. I don't want her to move back in. She's retired and lives off of social security. We have been awaiting senior housing apt. For 3 years. I called the other day... they said she on top of the list... but it can be any day or 2 years from now. I hate that I'm back to worrying about her again. I was so happy to have had my new found freedom when she was asked to leave . I told her then... that I loved her and cared about her... but she didn't need to live here... she never responded to it. She sort of just a waiting for the right opportunity to come back in. She unconsciously is manipulative I truly believe she has no concept of consequences and lives and b r wants solely in the NOW. So she is dillusional, and doesn't see how she's behaved effects me and my mind set. I guess I will have a talk with her again. But it make some so uneasy and uncomfortable . Thanks for letting me vent.

[freedom2lv]

You know what you're doing.  The friends that are appalled that you are making your mother leave have NEVER witnessed such behavior or had to endure it over a long period of time.  The impact of watching your mother verbally and emotionally abuse YOU will probably impact your children more than her verbal abuse of them.  Watching my father abuse the people I loved was more damaging and the trauma longer lasting. 

You owe your friends no explanations.  You are accountable to yourself and your children. 

Would it be possible to help your Mother find some housing assistance? 

[Kwamina]

Hi somecallmenick

Your anxiety and uneasiness is quite understandable with the prospect of having your mother back around in your mind. It migth help to take a look at some information we have on here about boundaries. This might help you as you try to set and enforce boundaries with your mother:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Examples of boundaries

Various communication techniques are described on this website that I think can be helpful to you. Are you familiar with the S.E.T. technique? The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. The technique helps you to express your truth while minimizing the chance of (further) conflict and maximizing the chance of getting through to the other person. You can read more about it here:

S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

You mention 'guilt' a few times in your post. Guilt is something that can keep us 'trapped' in situations we don't really want to be in. That's also true for 'fear' and 'obligation'. Are you familiar with the concept of 'FOG'? FOG is an acronym for Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.

We have an article here about 'FOG' that I think you might find insightful:

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

In the article several tips are given to help you get out of the 'FOG':

In the simplest sense, to change this dynamic we need to alter the way we respond to it.

Step One  :)on’t respond the moment a demand is made. Give yourself time to think and assess the matter.  We want to respond - not react.

Step Two  Let go of your emotional ties to being controlled, at least briefly, and try to be an independent observer. Gather the information you need to construct a wise response - one that is neither enabling nor confrontational. Likely there is a long history of bad, demanding behavior and enabling responses / resentment, so this is going to take some discipline not to be triggered or to overreact.  You may want to enlist a confidant - someone you respect for their emotional maturity and ability to read others - to act as a sounding board.  Remember, it's problem resolution, relationship retraining - not a battle.

Focus on the demand at hand, not all the past history. Assess how significant a particular demand is.  Remember that there are different levels of demands, and know where to be strong and where to be flexible- demands that are of little consequence, demands that involve important issues or personal integrity, demands that affect major life directions, and/or demands that are dangerous or illegal.

Step Three  Respond in a constructive way.

Non-defensive communication  :)o not defend or explain your decision or yourself in response to pressure. Use phrases like "I’m sorry you are so upset. I can understand how you might see it that way." Without fuel from you, the controller's attempts that worked so well in the past will fizzle. Choose time and place carefully. Lay down conditions for the meeting, announce a decision and stand by it – offer a suggestion that they not respond immediately. Anticipate their answers. Practice or role play. Consider how to respond to the person’s: Catastrophic predictions and threats, name-calling, labeling and negative judgments. The deadly whys and hows – demanding explanations and a rationale for your decision. For silent angry people, stay non-defensive.

Enlisting the controller as an ally  When emotional control reaches an impasse, it’s often helpful to shift the conversation by involving the other person in your problem-solving process. Approach with curiosity and a willingness to learn.

Bartering  When you want another person to change his or her behavior, and at the same time you acknowledge that you need to make changes of your own, barter may be in order. It’s win/win. It enables resentments to be put to one side.

Using Humor In a relationship that is basically good, humor can be an effective tool for pointing out to the other person how their behavior looks to you.

Step Four  Be ready for some pushback or more aggressive responses. Often things will get worse before they then get better - our resolve will be tested - this is common in any type of relationship retraining.  We need to have perseverance and confidence that both sides will eventually adjust, and it  will end or reduce the feelings of being controlled.

Step Five  Periodically evaluate the progress. Keeping a log of events, actions, and outcomes is helpful for this purpose. A lot can be learned from looking at the history - what works, what does not, and if progress is being made.  All of this should be factored into our decisions of how we go forward.

I hope you'll find these resources helpful as you prepare yourself for dealing with your mother.

[xanderess]

Wow , I feel your pain . My mother just called 2 nights ago after not talking to her for 4 months . She said she has no will to eat and has lost lots of weight and the airplanes overhead are making her sick. She just said pack a blanket and pillow and come stay a week and take care of her. Well I thought to myself I cant just let her die. I would figure it out. I have 3 kids . 2 are teens that I drive to work and a 6 yr old Aspergers son whom i home school . I cant just leave . So my daughter aid she would take a day off work and go stay with her. After getting all the things on my mothers list of supplies she needs , we arrived at her house. NOW I see it ! She suckered me back again . Daughter text me next day says grandma is eating fine , laughing driving. She is just depressed and lonely . I want that woman out of my life. She will die if I will not care for her. You see She has Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. So she can not go to nursing home or hospitals or have a nurse come to here home . What am I going to do ! Like you I am just wanting my life back. Could I live with the guilt if she dies?