Maintain boundary, or let it go?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD exH sent me an email saying he's picking up the kids at 11:30 Saturday instead of the court-mandated noon because he has tickets to something.

Obviously he's supposed to ask if he wants to change the schedule.  He's never changed the schedule before without my permission.  However, it's a half hour and I think it's probably just worth letting this one go rather than engaging him.  Or is that loosening a boundary? 

Should I say something like, "OK, but next time please ask." 

I am thinking if he does this again I can say something.  Also, we are both meeting with our parent coordinator the second week in Jan so I could address it then and let it go for now.

My original thought was to say "That's fine, but please make sure you ask before changing parenting time or getting tickets" or something like that.  That will just engage him, though.  But maybe not saying anything is wimpy.  He's already triggered.  He got on a whole tear because I took our sick toddler to the doc without his permission yesterday (big deal).  I actually notified him hours before the visit.

[momtara]

My BPD exH sent me an email saying he's picking up the kids at 11:30 Saturday instead of the court-mandated noon because he has tickets to something.

Obviously he's supposed to ask if he wants to change the schedule.  He's never changed the schedule before without my permission.  However, it's a half hour and I think it's probably just worth letting this one go rather than engaging him.  Or is that loosening a boundary? 

Should I say something like, "OK, but next time please ask." 

I am thinking if he does this again I can say something.  Also, we are both meeting with our parent coordinator the second week in Jan so I could address it then and let it go for now.

My original thought was to say "That's fine, but please make sure you ask before changing parenting time or getting tickets" or something like that.  That will just engage him, though.  But maybe not saying anything is wimpy.  He's already triggered.  He got on a whole tear because I took our sick toddler to the doc without his permission yesterday (big deal).  I actually notified him hours before the visit.

[momtara]

He also said he's dropping the kids off an hour early when he returns them.  So it's not any extra time.  I think I'm going to let it go.  or I may say "That sounds fine.  See you then.  Thanks for asking."

[Nope]

Yup. I'd let it go. Your response is good. It's important to try not to make a big deal when possible as it only escalates. However, as you've seen, a point will come where you'll have to put your foot down to keep from getting walked all over. Be prepared to address it before that happens.

[ogopogodude]

A 1/2 hour is no big deal. 

Pick your battles.

This isn't one of them.

[david]

I would let this go. It sounds fine.

[momtara]

Thanks, yeah, letting it go, largely.  Just thanked him.  Hopefully they will be ok with him this weekend since he got triggeredf by the doctor thing.  Guess I'll be able to tell when he shows up.

[Indyan]

He also said he's dropping the kids off an hour early when he returns them.  So it's not any extra time.  I think I'm going to let it go.  or I may say "That sounds fine.  See you then.  Thanks for asking."

Hi, I've had exactly the same questions and I told him to ask me first. Now, he asks.

I didn't want to be too strict because he's called me twice to pick up baby before schedule. I suspect he wasn't "well" (very tense or depressed God knows) and prefered baby to go. Feeling confy calling me is a good thing, safety-wise, so I don't want to sound over strict on the schedule.

What's with the doctor thing?

I can't see why you should tell him unless there's an emergency?

[momtara]

Yeah, I feel the same way - want him to be able to communicate with me when he's stressed.

The doctor thing is a whole nother thing and it's basically him feeling a loss of power.  He got very angry that I took kid to doctor without 'agreeing' with him first.  Parent coordinator will likely set him straight on that.  I don't need his permission for a day to day non risky doctor visit.

[Indyan]

I had to take baby to ER as a safety measure. It was week-end, he had a temperature, shaky legs and cried a lot. I had to make sure it wasn't UTI... .

I called BPDx to let him know (especially that the hospital was nearish to his new flat), and of course he showed up with his dad.

He was a real pain, telling the doctor about all the things that "I didn't do right" (not giving vitamin D - it's controversial so I chose not to-, letting baby sleep in my bed and he fell once... .) in case "that could be the reason for baby's problems".

I promised myself I wouldn't call him again, unless there is a very serious situation. I'll only let him know afterwards, and only if there's a follow up, he's too much of a nuisance.

[david]

Yea, it is a lot easier to parent without my ex too.

[Nope]

Yup. If we want someone around to make things more difficult all we have to do is contact the kid's BPD  mom. When the kids got the flu we took them to urgent care and got them put on antivirals. Then once that was done and the kids were settled in we sent their mom an email letting her know about it. She demanded to know why every effort wasn't exhausted to keep her immediately informed. We didn't respond because we simply don't care. The parenting plan says they should consult each other when possible. At a certain point it's just going to have to be addressed in court that DH and his BPD ex can't co-parent. Until then we won't be banging out heads against a wall trying to appease her sense of entitlement. Especially while in the midst of trying to deal with sick kiddos.

[Indyan]

What worries me though is that he's all about revenge. And when he takes baby for hols next summer, he won't keep me informed of anything if I don't... .

[momtara]

I'm with you, Indyan.  Sometimes I keep him informed just because I want him to keep *me* informed.  I guess I'm still a little intimidated by him and he *did* used to get revenge in small ways, and I don't want that.  How long will he have your baby for?  Ugh.

[Indyan]

How long will he have your baby for? 

Nothing arranged yet.

My L suggested 1 week each in August, but I find this really too long for a baby who's never been away from his mother for more than a few hours.

I'm still totally torn about going for court order or not. Protecting my rights VS giving him too much... .it's comlicated, really complicated... .

[momtara]

Then say no.  Don't be intimidated.  A week is a long time for you, the baby, and also for your ex.  You could always float it as something to work up to, pending a review in a few years.  You can always put in the one week when he's, say, 4 or 5?  That way the suggestion is in there - but you can add "pending review first" or "if the other terms of the agreement have been met" or something like that.  Remember, a plan can be as specific as you want to be.  Court can be intimidating, and so can BPD exes.  And if they temporarily behave, it's easy to forget what they can be like.  So just keep notes and think about what your goals are.  That's what people here tell me a lot - to focus on my goals.  I have sometimes forgotten them.

[momtara]

By the way, regarding giving my ex information so he'll do the same with me -- my former parent coordinator said that was pointless, as he'll do what he wants anyway, in the end.  it's not entirely true.  But maybe with some, it is.

[Indyan]

What happened today is a good example of his BPDness.

He asked last night for picking up baby at 9:30AM today due to train times (he doesn't drive), instead of 10:30AM.

I said OK.

In the end he sent a message at 8AM to say "he was ill and wasn't coming at 9:30".

Then another at 11, confirming "he was too ill to pick him up, but if I wanted to drop him off later on" (BTW I drove 80km/50miles on the 1st just to drop baby off and pick him up, BPDx didn't even say thanks)

I just answered "ok".

Honestly, I'm relieved that he tells me he's not well when he's not, instead of forcing himself to pick him up.

Although, it spoils all my schedule, I had appointments... .

[momtara]

My ex did something similar a few weeks ago - last minute, kept saying he'd be an hour late, forcing me to just sit and wait and kind of not allowing me to do anything else.  I guess in the end we have to be glad if our kids are healthy, but allowing this stuff to go on too much saps our spirit and energy to parent, so if it's too much, it should be addressed if there is a good, safe way.

[Indyan]

My ex did something similar a few weeks ago - last minute, kept saying he'd be an hour late, forcing me to just sit and wait and kind of not allowing me to do anything else.  I guess in the end we have to be glad if our kids are healthy, but allowing this stuff to go on too much saps our spirit and energy to parent, so if it's too much, it should be addressed if there is a good, safe way.

In the end he asked if I could take baby to his place on Sunday, I didn't answer.

I'm not his taxi driver!

[momtara]

Good job!

We have to pick our battles, I think.

Now there's a new one.  I'd love a long period with no big decisions to fight over!