Family Harmony

[hope]

I have only recently discovered this forum and have decided to seek some feedback from anyone who maybe has experienced a similar situation.

Some years ago, it was pointed out to me that my sister-in-law had a lot of the signs of having BPD. This was a blessing as it finally lead me to read books on the subject which confirmed to me that this was probably the reason I had spent years “walking on eggshells”.

Over the years I have managed to cope by limiting contact with her as much as possible and working through the disruptive behaviour when it occurs. This is usually every Christmas and family gathering and when she wants to distract attention from her latest “scheme”. Her behaviour includes completely distorting the facts, character damage and when occasionally being uncovered, abusive phone calls (we no longer react to these and just suggest that she might like to call back when she is ready to speak in an acceptable manner). I know it is not correct to say that she manipulates situations but this is certainly how it feels as one of the recipients. This has been made more difficult through her mother shifting between enabling her and displaying some BPD traits herself.

The problem is that as my in-laws are aging she seems to be taking advantage of this and isolating them from the rest of the extended family one by one. I feel the situation has now deteriorated further as her current partner appears to have NPD traits and seems to be proficient at assisting her in fabricating stories to undermine other family members or get her whatever she wants. I have even observed her create derogatory stories about her own Grandmother to seemingly distract attention from her conduct.

After many years of marriage I have become close to a lot of the members of my husband’s family (our family). I would like to maintain contact with my father-in-law and many of our other relatives and I believe my husband is entitled to have contact with his parents while still able but it is becoming more and more difficult. It seems her goal is to isolate everyone from her parents.

The stressful situations seem to be more frequent, which I have been attributing to the presence of her latest partner or is it perhaps that BPD gets more entrenched with age? Maybe it's just that we've just been through another festive season.

Any positive suggestions would be appreciated.

[Kwamina]

Hi hope

The holidays can be quite stressful when people with BPD are involved so this could definitely also be a factor here. How long has your sister-in-law been exhibiting this BPD-like behavior? Was she always like this as far as you can tell from what your husband has told you about her?

You say the stressful situations seem to be getting more frequent? Could you tell us some more about this? Are you referring to her trying to isolate everyone from her parents are also to other things she does?

I know it is not correct to say that she manipulates situations but this is certainly how it feels as one of the recipients. This has been made more difficult through her mother shifting between enabling her and displaying some BPD traits herself.

The unfortunate reality is that many people with BPD in fact do have manipulative tendencies. They might not always be (totally) aware of the nature of their behavior or might be unwilling to acknowledge what they're doing, but no matter how you label it, the behavior can definitely be very unpleasant.

[hope]

Thank you for your reply

To me, the behaviour only seemed to become difficult after her first divorce many years ago. Before that time she said the occasional unacceptable comment which I dismissed as being part of a jealous personality. My husband has now begun to see some things right back into childhood especially fabricating stories to get others into trouble or make herself look better. I have shown him some of the literature on the subject and he can see a lot of the behaviours which are usually identified as BPD.

The reason I feel it is escalating is that her current partner goes along with her untruths and at times even adds to them to give them credibility. He is happy to spend a large amount of time with her parents, organises things for them including their holidays (ensuring there is enough room at the accommodation for them to go along too, for at least part of the time).

This has not occurred before as most of her relationships have been relatively short.

As I said, this could be feeling worse after coming through another difficult Christmas.