Duty to warn suitors about daughter's Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

[Tim300]

As a parent of an adult child with BPD, do you feel any sense of duty to his/her prospective mates to warn about BPD?  How would you bring it up to the aspiring mate, if at all?   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

My policy is to stay out of my BPDd's relationships. The only reason I would break that policy is if she was homicidal (which she has never been).

[swampped]

Dear Tim300:  Our son's exwife is the pwBPD  in our family.  Her parents have mentioned several times that they wish they had warned us and him about her before the relationship went too far.  IMHO nothing would have changed his attraction to her, and it would have been somehow unfair of us to try to steer him away, had we even known about the problems.  I think that parents  are best suited for support and picking up the pieces once they fall.  I imagine this would be different with a minor child, but with an adult I think it is best for parents to stay out of their children's relationships.  Swampped 

[picturelady]

I think that parents  are best suited for support and picking up the pieces once they fall. 

Excellent advice!  Anything more is triangulating, which gets incredibly messy! 

I know this is a very tough issue, and I have lived it a number of times with my uBPDd who's now 26.  But remember, the suitor might not believe you anyway, and this could cause your daughter to split you and paint you black (and yes, I've experienced both.)  Just be supportive and let them figure it out. 

Best,

PictureLady

[SlyQQ]

Have told bf that she was mentally unwell from day1 repeatedly told/ begged him to see a psychologist he thinks she is bi polar but if I say she is BPD there is no officiaL Diagnosis and all hell will break loose an also i am not sure how much good it will do

[Tim300]

Thanks for everyone's replies.

I am kicking myself because my ex's mother actually brought up the topic of BPD out of the blue in the first year or so of our 2.5 year r/s.  Her mother seemed surprised that I had no idea what BPD was, and then she described it briefly as relating to fears of abandonment.  I really didn't think much of it at the time, because I had known my ex for a long time (although not closely) and she didn't strike me as mentally ill.  So I didn't even fully put the connection together that her mother was trying to tell me "My daughter has a serious mental illness called BPD".  Boy I wish I had done some Googling and found these forums then -- it would have helped me but it also would have greatly helped her daughter potentially.  I think my engagement with my ex was more difficult for my ex than it was for me, in part because I didn't have the knowledge of books like "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," etc.  If I had this knowledge, our relationship would have had a fighting chance (but of course still would have eventually failed anyway).