Allowing your child to rent space in your head

[donnab]

Last night I was reading topics from the leaving board about looking after yourself. It was entitled "Perspectives: don't allow others to 'rent space' in your head". Several ppl gave examples of how they have worked through this, but all of the posts were from partners/exes. And a lot of posts were about going NC.

This got me thinking about how this can be possible when it's your child? What strategies do other parents employ that allows them to live a life that isn't consumed by their disordered child? I am starting to rebuild my life, but it is a very slow process and I can't always stop the difficulties. My daughter hasn't raged at me for about 6 months, but she still can be volatile which can be difficult to deal with in the moment. Christmas was bound to be a difficult time (we have custody of her daughter and are going through the court process to gain full custody) and of course she was in a difficult mood, intense, became difficult, looking for a fight as I forgot to cook sausages and stuffing with dinner. I didn't raise to the bait but it still had an impact. And I postponed our contact on Boxing day to the following day as I didn't want to be around her and needed space.

I feel have been stunted in my personal development because of the extended trauma we have been through. I feel out of touch with people because I am so consumed by her - and at this point it is a lot less than previously but still more than is probably healthy - because of this I now am quite isolated and feel uncomfortable in social situations. How do you stop allowing your child to rent space in your head? I assume it's less complex when it's not your child. Anyone else who made me feel the way she does I would cease contact with, but she's my daughter. It's a paradox, how do you get healthy when you are still in a dysfunctional relationship?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hi donnab

I think with our children it is more a case of reducing the amount of space they occupy in our heads. There have been times when my mind has been completely pre-occupied with my daughter and her issues to the point where I have found it difficult to focus on other things.

I found mindfulness training to be helpful with this--training the mind to focus on what is happening in the here and now.

I don't know whether or not it is a good thing but also tried to compartmentalize-I had to focus on my work sometimes so I tried to push other thoughts away. I can remember one day having to go straight to work after my daughter was detained in hospital and I had walked away with her screaming at me.

Also I found that forcing myself to arrange things with friends even if I didn't want to helped, but start very small.

Is there a hobby you would like to take up that you could focus on?

I agree that it is different with children and they will always occupy some space in our heads but its also important to look after ourselves.

I changed the word "rent" to "occupy" as our relationships with our children are somehow permanent and it felt better.

[Kate4queen]

I found talking through everything first with my therapist and then my DH helped me set my head in order. It helped me admit where I'd failed, where I could have done better and where I know I gave 150% to my son and wouldn't change a thing.

Once I'd established all that I found as time went on I could start looking back at him with more compassion and less anger and with less need to justify myself. I truly believe I did the best I could at the time with the knowledge I then had. I've just decided I can't beat myself up anymore over what I can't change.

[chooselove]

I've been doing better for quite awhile but lately my daughter is making some choices that tug at me to return into the deep thoughtfulness of her pain.  There are a lot of good people coming into my life right now but I can't fully enjoy them, or better put, I will actually be enjoying them and the joy is suddenly interrupted by daughter's image in my head and the sad awareness that I am feeling her feelings.  I guess it makes me believe I am being loyal to her... .not leaving her behind in my joy. I often wish I could step into her body and tuck her tired brain into bed while I lead her out of the sad lonely stuck hurt place where she lives... .and have her wake up in the sunny warmth of all the love and possibilities that await her.

I feel I am abandoning her when I am happy.  These posts are invaluable reminders to keep our "heads in order" as you said, Kate4queen. 

[A_Dad_E]

I am in the same boat as you right now donnab. My daughter is 18 and moved out about 6 months ago and while we have had little to no contact with her, she still seems to suck so much joy out of my life. Things were doing much better until she showed up unannounced on Christmas Day, then its like she just took over that same old spot in my mind that I was in the process of cleaning out. I now feel isolated from my friends, family, and even my wife(the person who I used to lean on when this sort of thing happened). I am depressed, there is no question about that. Now I feel like chooselove and feel like I'm abandoning her when I'm happy. I feel like if I'm not worried about her, then I'm a bad parent. Its a balancing act sometimes, it really is. Like lever said, mindfulness/meditation helps, but when you're down and distraught its hard to stay focused enough to even do that much.

Good luck to you, I hope you are able to find some peace and move forward.

[lever.]

Hello A-Dad-E

I saw your initial post and noticed that you have already done a lot of reading. Have you read "Overcoming Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr-I found it extremely helpful.

I have a little experience of no contact and I know how distressing it can be. Also we don't want gratitude but it undeniably hurts when we feel that we have put a lot of effort in and it is all rejected. I truly feel for you.

In reality you being unhappy is not helping your daughter-it is very important to look after yourself and build up your other relationships-difficult as that is. It is a little like the situation after a bereavement when we feel guilty if we have a happy moment as if it means we don't care-which,of course, is not true.

Have you sought any treatment for your own depression? Do you work? Are you coping at work?

You are not abandoning your daughter-you are more than willing to help her when she is willing to accept it.

Reading this site you will see that self-care is very important. You will often read the analogy to the safety instructions on aircraft where you are instructed to activate your own oxygen first.

The unhappiness caused by BPD can spread through the entire family-the good news is that there are strategies to help.

The likelihood is that your daughter will be back. Use this time to look at the articles on this site and the tools at the side of the page-I hope that they help you feel more positive.

[A_Dad_E]

I have not read "Overcoming Personality Disorder", I will have to check that out.

As far as my depression, I have not sought treatment because honestly its minor in the grand scheme of things. I've dealt with bouts of depression like this before and while I've tried medication, I've had better luck just working thru it on my own. I'm a Buddhist and I've found that focusing on being mindful and meditating usually help, but initially at the onset I just let the pain do its thing, because trying to fight it or mask the symptoms only makes it worse.

I do work and I'm coping at work, however I'm terribly stressed because of lots of major projects going on, so I know that's playing a role as well.

But for me, deep down I think the worst part is feeling like my daughter hates us. After putting so much of our heart and soul into her care, having her abandon us just hurts. I know logically that is not the case (it actually proves the opposite given her BPD), but often times emotions can overpower logic, that's how the brain works sometimes.