How long is the average duration prior to a recycle?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Meaning how much time had elapsed between your breakup and the next recycle?

[JRT]

Meaning how much time had elapsed between your breakup and the next recycle?

[Ripped Heart]

I guess it depends on the individual and also what is going on at the time. If someone has eloped with a replacement, then you shouldn't expect to hear anything whilst all is good. Some people never get recycled, others are dragged through the courts on false charges and others, the recycle attempts never end.

I know with BPDgf, 3 days is a very long time for her. She even said at the start of the r/s that she couldn't bear to go 4 days without seeing me because that's when she would start to fall apart.

I went NC on New Years Eve and 3 days later she was back again.

[JRT]

My previous recycles were short, a few hours to a few days with the longest being a month. This one is 3 months and the feelers I put out is that she is still raging.

[Dale1978]

After my official break up (after a year of threats ) I attempted to talk my gf into taking me back/coming home for approx 2 months, she refused. We then recycled the first time, had a very emotional get-back-together over a weekend then she went AWOL again. In order to force myself not to re contact her I put up a white-board in the kitchen and marked each day that passed that I was NC. It was surprisingly motivational if you get past a week. She came back after 22 days. We got together, she dysregulated and disappeared again. Up went the white board. Bang on 22 days and she was back again . From that first day that the board went up I never initiated contact . The cycle continued. Maybe we would have a nice weekend together, occasionally two in a row, but we never got passed the third. This process was repeated 13 times and she came back every time between 21 and 27 days

What I will say is that, true to what is said on this website, every recycle was worse that the last. The arguments bigger, the threats worse, the shouting louder... .

After the 12th one. I really felt like there wouldn't be another one. It was so bad. I went away to work for 4 months in italy. I met a beautiful Italian girl and we had a summer romance. The 21 day re contacts continued and I kept responding but we could not meet up as I was working away but she still managed to disregulate... .Reason such as Why was I on whatsapp at midnight, who am I out with, ask the waitress to send photos of you at the restaurants' who can I hear in the background... .And she'd disappear again.

Of course after all we'd been through I was still deeply attached to her and when I got home at the end of the summer, minus the Italian summer romance girl. I agreed to meet. The thirteenth and final time and boy was it a shocker! As soon as I left her alone for 2 seconds she was in my phone, found a couple of pictures of me with this Italian girl and world war three erupted, physical aggression, her screaming in the street... .After that I walked away. My white board now says 106.

It's gone quiet now because she's officially with someone else. Someone mentioned that she has a joint photo with him on Facebook. It was tough to hear, knocked the wind out of my sails because despite the terror she brings when she gallops back into town, it's a thrill, I will always love her, the sex is great and it's a boost to be looked for. Especially by a sexy younger woman (I'm 36 she's 29). I'm having a hard time since hearing it.

But I just come on here and read about all the unfortunate folks who married theirs and have been dragged to hell and back, those who have children with theirs and are now involved with theirs for ever. I was only engaged to mine. No marriage, no house ( we lived at my flat) no joint bank account. I'm able to get away relatively financially unscathed (only emotionally).

It's like Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm sure that white board will say 9,567 some day and the temptation will still be there. They're a drug and you'll always be addicted. It tastes so good but you know it will bring you to your knees in the end. Be careful what you wish for.

[JRT]

Sorry that you had gone thorugh all of that. Wow! Why do you suppose that she was so regular about recycling? My recycles were actually getting more mild and brief until the very last one which was a nuclear bomb.

[Dale1978]

I can only speak for my situation and I'm guessing she was angry the first week and wend out partying, felt down afterwards, felt sensible the second week thinking it's over and it can't possibly work. By the time week 3 comes around she starts missing me, thinking about what she'd given up (read: didn't want anyone else to have me). Then picks up the phone.

I hadn't met anyone who could fill the gap and so like a sucker for punishment, went back again.

The reasons why the  dis regulations were getting worse was quite simple. When we lived together she controlled every aspect of my life, it was the only way to try to keep her issues in line... .She'd check my phone regularly, my email etc. of course there was never anything to find. Sh knew where I was every minute of the day and we spoke on th phone 20 times a day.

Every time she walked away, I just got on with my life. Met up with old school friends, went away on weekends etc as soon as we got together she'd try to map where I'd been, who I'd been with etc and this just lead to more and more question marks for her which would send her raging.

An example being. On one occasion I discovered than an old school friend (female) had Been diagnosed with a brain tumour. I offered my services to take her to the hospital one day a week for radiotherapy. I was a single man, hadn't heard from my ex for almost a month... .4 other people took her the other 4 days of the week... When she came back She told me that she came back to me because she feared that she was being replaced by the girl who was ill(!). She accepted that I had already committed to this arrangement and she had to live with it for the remaining 4 weeks of treatment... .Man, she went into meltdown from about 48 hours before I was due to go. Not one ounce of empathy for the poor girl... .Slowly she told me that I had to back out of this arrangement if I wanted her back as there was only room for one woman in my life (!). When I refused she told me to f-off, hated me and disappeared... .For 25 days then came back all smiles ... .

I don't have any experience in the recycling industry once they elope with a replacement. All I know is that it hurts badly.  We'd been part of each others lives for a long time, lots of good times, lots of bad times. There's a very big difference in waking up each morning and being in the mindset that she might come back today, but I hope she doesn't, to she's with someone else and she isn't ever coming back. Kinda sad. For the best. But sad nonetheless. I must have dated 20 women since we broke up 18 months ago from 28 years old to 36... .I broke it off with all of them... .No other woman has come close and I fear that my experiences with this crazy animal has burned me.

How many recycles have you had? Over how long ?

[JRT]

I am sorry to hear this... .did she acknowledge that she has a problem of any kind? Is she seeking therapy?

I have been recycled 6 times - she has not yet completed the 7th cycle. The first few were prompted by arguments... .non-issues really that she conjured up to tee up her flight after getting too close. Each one went according to the same script... .strange argument... .break up (usually over the phone)... .time away, 3 hours to 1 week to 1 month... .an email (she seemed to have always had SOME reason lying around to justify contacting me. eg. here is the logon to your website,etc.)... .then I would call her... .she would be angry and I had to work hard not to get sucked into the rage... .then we would arrange to meet and it would be all over... .she told me each and every time 2 things: upon mere sight of you, I had relief from the episode (I'm not THAT much to look at, ) and was no longer angry, 'all became well with the world' she would say and then she would say 'I need to see someone for help'. I would assuage her and tell her all will be ok and it was swept under the rug.

The last time she did some things like block her cell phone for a bit and she began to ask her family to unfriend me on FB. This proved to be a hint of the next disappearing act. I left out of town on business 3 weeks after she had just moved in all was normal, no fights, no incidents. We were making plans for the weekend and get a together at the house and our wedding, etc. just life. Backtracking, I was able to deduce that this was a powerful trigger for her; as I had gone out of town before, this was the first time that she would have been all alone in MY house after a series of other stresses in her life (her 18 year  old son had just moved out as well and moving in was also a huge adjustment). The next day I got the usual kind of text in the morning. In the afternoon, I got one that said: ' our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .do NOT try to contact me!'.

Of course I did try to contact her immediately, any sane person would, only to find out that I was blocked from calling and texting. Same with her sons phone. I called friends and relatives... .few that answered... .her dad was very surprised (and accepted a couple of calls that I made to him later). I tried to call from my hotel where only VM would answer. Then I got a nasty text threatening to call the cops if I tried calling anyone including her. I then discovered that she blocked me on FB, unfriended all of my friends and successfully compelled almost all of her friends and family to also unfriend me (I REALLY shudder to think of what she had to invent in order to get 30+ people to do that). She also blocked me on other social media and blocked almost all of my email addresses.

I gave it a month and tired to call her from the hotel on a another business trip. I also sent her an email saying 'we are better than this, lets talk'. Upon my return from that trip, my mailbox had a letter threatening a PPO if I tried to contact her again (full of various mistruths to make it look like she REALLY was being stalked). A call on Christmas Eve had a similar reaction where I received a call from the police.

I wanted to see if she was stalking my FB page which I had made 'public' earlier this week. She left a LOT of her stuff here including a trunk of sentimental/priceless keepsake type of stuff; baby booties, old family photos, grandmothers jewelry, etc. I'll take guesses as to why she left it here. However, I took a photo of it and put it on facebook with the caption: 'I don't need this any longer, I was going to drag it out to the curb with its contents but thoght that someone may want to come save it from the trash'. I put that up on Monday and it took until yesterday to get a response from one of her least liked friends (I suppose that she had approached others who insisted that she be a big girl and call me directly and was rebuffed) via IM.

The exchange was like talking to an 8 year old the details of which are an entirely different story. But the net/net was that I was very clear to offer her property back to her but ONLY upon the condition that SHE make the arrangements, that SHE comes and picks it up and that SHE provide me a full accounting of why she did what she did. The very idea (i am sure that she was on the phone with my ex as she was typing) seemed to have the equivalent appeal as pouring acid in her eyes... .as have the the past three months. Why in the worlkd is her resistance to ANY form of contact so extreme? She seems to be perfectly willing to have me throw her keepsakes away to prevent the possibility.  I wonder if she believes that an email will lead to a call which will lead to a meeting which will put her right back into her fearful happy relationship with me? That's the only thing that I could think of. And what does it mean when they stalk you on FB? It was either her GF or her that was stalking otherwise it would not have prompted this contact. I think that its a low probability that her GF was stalking me. 


The thing is, that oveall had a great relationship with this woman and was really looking forward to a future with her... .yes there were some quirks with her that I can now trace back to BPD, but thought that they might need some attention but it was nothing at all like the outward acting screaming and such that I have heard over and over again about on this board. Every now and again she would reinvent facts about places we were going or appointments... .and she was not very willing to talk about her inner thoughts and such... .other than that, we had similar values, interests and goals. I thought she was finally the one. That's what had made this so difficult.