Protecting myself and my Daughter from Step Children

[jenbren2006]

My husbands ex has BPD.  His kids are 9 and 11 years old.  They are constantly running to her and telling her things about our lives.  Meanwhile she blows everything up and weve had Child protective services and the police show up at our door ( having done nothing wrong of course).  We have explained this to them time and time again but they continue on tattling on us.  The latest item they tattled on my husband is now having to go to court over contempt of his divorce orders having done nothing wrong again.  They have destroyed our trust in them.  Its gotten so bad that my husband and I are spending somedays apart each week so I dont have to be around them.  I feel like we are prisoners and have no control over this situation.  Trying to see if others have been through something similar and what they have done in this situation.

[Nope]

My step kids actually do the opposite most of the time. They hate it when their parents fight so they keep things from both their parents to avoid causing more fighting. Especially from their BPD mom because they are well aware she is always itching for a fight with their dad.

My question for you is; What's the reward? What is it the kids gain from starting these battles? Is it a protective defense mechanism for them to throw dad under the bus because it gives their mom a target other than them? Do they just get ignored by their mom unless they are feeding her information, so that this is a way to get her positive attention?

[livednlearned]

Hi jenbren2006,

This seems severe, and I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I remember one of your posts about SS punching your D. Do you think your H needs some kind of intervention to learn how to handle the parental alienation and deal with his kids? I can say from my own experience raising a teen that when issues start to show up around 8-11, they don't get better, they get worse. And it's easier to deal with now before middle school and adolescent developmental stages start to work on them.

Having you spend days apart sounds like sticking gum in a crack when the whole dam is about to go.

Do you think the parental alienation is severe enough that you could get a reunification therapist involved? They are usually therapists who understand the whole forensic family court system and some have experience with "deprogramming." Your H may also need help from a behavioral specialist or other pediatric expert who can help him get a handle on how to parent in this kind of divided camp scenario. 

Are they in therapy at all?