Respond or "Crickets"?

[milo1967]

Hi, All,

I've gotten so much better with regard to communication

with the XW. Specifically I don't unless it's an emergency.

But it's these little moments that irk me. They predictably crop up following any form of denial to her entitled demands. To wit: XW texted me the other day that she wants me to pick up the kids from school on HER days and keep them with me until she gets off work. I told her no--that I have arranged my life and work schedule around our coparenting schedule and she needs to do the same. She retorted that I am putting my needs above our children's (audacious hypocrisy, as it was her selfish behaviors that led me to divorce her). I ignored this.

After we exchanged the kids yesterday I received an email from her informing me that

DD has a rash (I was aware, had treated it, and thought it had gone away)

DD's hair was matted (I had bought a new conditioner and detangling brush and have been doing my best, but DD practically needs to be restrained when I try to brush it out!)

The shoes I sent her back with don't fit (I didn't know, DD had been wearing them and had not complained)

So, do I respond at all? Point by point? Or will it just escalate or validate her complaints? Or do I default to my usual crickets?

Of course I could take the low road and retort with all sorts of "I'm a better parent than you" nonsense--I have a long list from which to draw. But I'm not comfortable doing this.

Thanks!

[Aussie JJ]

milo,

I am no expert, you know your case better than most.  What is important to your parenting time with the children here. 

Dear DD's mom,

I have reconsidered your request regarding looking after the children on XYZ days.  Instead I propose if you are having trouble caring for our CHILDA and CHILDB with the current schedule we make changes to accommodate those difficulties. 

To do this I have to rearrange my work schedule so we have to be 100 % on it.  I keep the children overnight an extra 2 nights on ABC and DFG in the schedule so that you can meet those work commitments that you are having trouble with at present.  This will ensure that their isn't constant chopping and changing between households. 

Please let me know if this is acceptable so I can start changing my work arrangements to accomodate caring for the kids on these extra days as you requested. 

Regards,

FATHER. 

In regards to the hair and rash. 

I would respond to the most pressing issue, one thing, dont distort, dont dilute. 

Dear BPDmom,

The rash I am aware of and has been treated in line with medical advice received.  If I see any changes in the condition I will attend the GP with DD however the rash has been improving. 

Regards,

DAD. 

No point escalating, I don't respond to her claims that I am abusive or violent any more, in fact any of the allegations or finger pointing episodes.  I just leave it be.  Reply to issues about our son, put forward what I believe is best.  Ignore the rest. 


AJJ. 

[livednlearned]

Hi milo,

I think it's ok to manage this kind of thing with your own mental health as first priority. A friend told me "you can't win a pissing match with a skunk" and that was my mantra dealing with N/BPDx.

Are you at all worried that she is trying to portray you as incompetent? My ex wrote email of the sort you describe, and then used his accusations as "evidence" that I was not looking out for S13's best interests. But my documented evidence crushed anything he accused me of.

Meaning, you can act in response to her messages without responding to her. If that makes sense. Maybe you discover the rash and so make a dr's appt. Maybe you email a friend with a young D to ask about good detanglers. Create your own trail of documentation if you feel it's necessary.

And don't worry about responding to her. My ex is extremely narcissistic, and I learned that bland was best. I only responded if there was a transaction being discussed, and only if it was one that was in my son's interest or mine.

Crickets might be a good idea for the first year or two, then you can reassess. But I would err on the side of no response if your sense is that it's a pissing match.

[Nope]

LnL's advice is exactly what my DH and I try to do. Look into the claimed problems. Get proof or documen that you looked into the claimed problems. But don't respond. My DH's BPDex throws everything she can at the wall and grabs ahold of whatever sticks (meaning whatever we respond to) and rides it for all it's worth. Negative engagement really is still engagement and she loves a fight.

Latest example: DH and BPDex have shared parenting but DH has custody 90% of the time. When the kids went to their mom's for Xmas she got SD11 a smartphone without saying one word to DH about it. There are about ten very good reasons why this is a problem. So DH took it away. The BPDex wrote him a long ranting email that she CCed the GAL on saying DH had no right to take something from SD11 that is her property and that nowhere in the Order does it say which parent is allowed to provide a phone and what kind of phone it can be and that since they have shared parenting she doesn't have to agree to SD11 only having a regular phone. 

DH wrote back (also CCing the GAL) one line saying that he did not feel SD11 was mature enough and she would only be provided with a regular phone. Then his ex wrote back saying that SD11 is mature enough. And that if she isn't mature enough to have a smartphone then that means SS10 isn't mature enough to play certain video games that DH got him at our house for Christmas because they have blood, gore, and swearing.

DH did not respond because a) to respond is only to stoke the fire and b) because we know SS10 was playing the exact same game at her new boyfriend's house five days earlier over winter break. And it was her old boyfriend who introduced SS10 to these games back when he was eight years old. What DH *did* do was call up SS10's T and ask if she felt SS10 playing these video games was causing or worsening any problems for him. Then he documented what the T said.   

[livednlearned]

DH did not respond because a) to respond is only to stoke the fire and b) because we know SS10 was playing the exact same game at her new boyfriend's house five days earlier over winter break. And it was her old boyfriend who introduced SS10 to these games back when he was eight years old. What DH *did* do was call up SS10's T and ask if she felt SS10 playing these video games was causing or worsening any problems for him. Then he documented what the T said.   

This is perfect.

Some people here have a higher threshold for engagement, that's why there is some wiggle room for your own mental health. For example, you might say "Thank you for your email." Or "I will take care of it." I did that for the first year or so. If N/BPDx was being normal in an email, I would respond in a normal way.

I always used his name at the beginning of the email, and signed off with my name. In response, he started to use a $ sign in my name (instead of the letter "s" and for a stretch of time, called me every name in the book. That particular pattern actually caught the judge's attention. The judge was disturbed to learn about the chronic name-calling. My L had taken the time to count up the different disparaging names N/BPDx called me, and used it as a sign that he had persistent anger management problems. The name-calling and $ in my name is actually an entire item in the last order. I remember him saying that he would find it very difficult to interact with someone who was so persistent in their lack of civility.

Talk about an understatement. 

[milo1967]

Thank you, everyone. I ended up responding: politely and briefly. I addressed each concern with facts:

"I treated the rash and it went away. If it has come back please continue to treat."

"I did my best with her hair. As you know she is resistant to having it brushed. Please put it in pigtails, as this helps."

And so on.

Yes, she will occasionally send me an email like this insinuating that I am neglectful. Absurd and she knows it. When we were together it was I who tended to all three children's health. By "three" I mean our two children and my XW. Now that I have been split black, all history has been rewritten.

No response to my response. Unusual. Usually she must have the last word, and a vitriolic one.

Interestingly and ironically, yesterday she asked if she could drop off our sick daughter (seven) with me at my work even though it was during her coparenting time. I agreed. She dropped her off wearing (our daughter that is) a bathrobe, no shoes and no underwear.

And I'm the neglectful one. I said nothing (maybe I should have?) but documented in case allegations of neglect arise in the future.

[scraps66]

The neglectful thing appears to be projection.  You're not, but she obviously is, so you have to be blamed as being neglectful.

I like the idea of responding with let's change the schedule, but, I would also be careful of turning down extra time with the kids.  If you can handle the kids on her days after work, then do it.  Don't fight over, "because the schedule says," if she is indirectly giving you the opportunity for more control and more time.

My ex just tells me that she is picking the kids up on my time after school.  To better do this she actually sabotaged the care I had organized for both children.