Working on the paperwork

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Family,

I have started working on the discovery documents. My husband is going to receive no less than 100 questions/requests for admissions from me. It is somewhat healing to be doing this. He gave me no answers and no closure.  Basically,  he called our marriage a mistake and that we didn't know each other well enough.  While the part of not knowing him is true, I feel like I was pretty much presented with one version of him and then it was all bait and switch. I am trying to see my own part and can see some of it. Anyway, maybe through this process of preparing my own papers and going through the divorce, I can move on. Even today, if he told me he will go to counseling,  I would try again. I am incredibly conflicted, but I feel like my actions are correct . Can anyone offer insight into how the divorce process makes you feel? I have to think about him now. Before, I was thinking of him less and less and the pain was going away. I am going to do my best to learn what I am suppose to and move on.

[Seriously?]

Hello Family,

I have started working on the discovery documents. My husband is going to receive no less than 100 questions/requests for admissions from me. It is somewhat healing to be doing this. He gave me no answers and no closure.  Basically,  he called our marriage a mistake and that we didn't know each other well enough.  While the part of not knowing him is true, I feel like I was pretty much presented with one version of him and then it was all bait and switch. I am trying to see my own part and can see some of it. Anyway, maybe through this process of preparing my own papers and going through the divorce, I can move on. Even today, if he told me he will go to counseling,  I would try again. I am incredibly conflicted, but I feel like my actions are correct . Can anyone offer insight into how the divorce process makes you feel? I have to think about him now. Before, I was thinking of him less and less and the pain was going away. I am going to do my best to learn what I am suppose to and move on.

[livednlearned]

Can anyone offer insight into how the divorce process makes you feel?

Hi Seriously,

A really good question! I'm guessing it's very different depending on how certain you were the relationship was over when you file. Me, I fled the relationship. No looking back. Some people here, their BPD ex had an affair. Almost all of us never got closure, a very specific kind of pain.

Because many of these BPD divorces tend to be high-conflict, it can also depend on how long the legal process is drawn out. People here who are co-parents trying to raise kids with an ex BPD have a whole other level of pain, watching (and paying for) total strangers to make life-changing decisions about our kids.

One thing I noticed with my divorce process is how the legal documents and language seemed to make everything so much more dramatic. I started to feel dread when I saw those fat envelopes in my mail box.

You mention that you are conflicted. Is it 50/50 conflicted? Or are you somewhere closer to 70% certain this is the right move, 30% still yearning?

[Seriously?]

A big if for me is the counseling.  If he would go to counseling with me, I would be in a hundred percent.  He won't, though, so I won't even consider being back with him. He shoved me, which is the reason for the separation and I have never and will never allow someone to physically assault me. Everything started falling apart about a month prior to that. It happened so quickly.  We got married in February 2014, and he was gone by June. I saw red flags, but we always worked it out. I had truly believed he was just insecure which wasn't a huge stretch due to his FOO issues. I didn't know him for even a year when we got married,  but I was head over heels. Maybe it was infatuation/addiction,  but the pain and devastation are still very real. I know I am not really detached,  and I can't just be stoic and put it out of my mind now. I have to prepare these papers. Thanks for listening.  My very logical self went out on a limb and married him believing he was my happy ending.  Now, my very logical self cannot make any sense of any of this. So hard. It's like he doesn't even having an accurate recollection of what happened anymore. He made up his own version.  I used to try to make him see he was just mistaken,  but it was futile. He refused to admit things and acted like I was crazy. I questioned my own recollection at times. I haven't had much contact since June-just a couple phone conversations-but any time I talk to him, I am overwhelmed.  I feel so sad, frustrated,  angry, confused,  and helpless.  He wanted to come back home twice,  but wouldn't not even think about counseling.  I may have been addicted or whatever,  but some days it feels like I lost the love of my life. The conflict is because I know he has serious cluster B traits,  but I sometimes fool myself into thinking if only he could really know how much I love him... .understanding with my brain that he cannot sustain a healthy relationship is less difficult than making my heart accept it. Today is a bad day. I have been really tearful. Most days, I am pretty ok. The first 3 months, I couldn't eat or sleep properly. I've made big strides, but the nagging feeling that I should be able to do something to save our marriage is still there.

[livednlearned]

Today is a bad day. I have been really tearful. Most days, I am pretty ok. The first 3 months, I couldn't eat or sleep properly. I've made big strides, but the nagging feeling that I should be able to do something to save our marriage is still there.

You went through a lot in a short period of time, and it's going to take some time to sort through the whirlwind and confusion. I think I cried every day for the first year after I left, and I was 100% certain. It wasn't the kind of crying that brought relief, that didn't come until much later. Some people say that the adulation/infatuation is the feeling of attachment we craved from our primary caregiver, whether mother or father. So sometimes the pain can go way back and deep. I felt like the divorce was just the tip of the ice berg. It was when things start to get back into childhood pain that the real water works started.

The best advice I got was to lean into the pain. It's the absolute opposite of what you want to do, but leaning away just makes everything take longer to heal. This is serious work and don't let anyone tell you to get over it, or you'll find someone else, blah blah blah. People mean well, but they don't understand. Mental illness leaves a wake of emotional confusion that takes a long time to sort out.

It sounds like you're doing the divorce without a lawyer. That's gotta be tough. I did lean on my L a lot, and during the early parts it helped to have someone take care of the business end of things. They can't be your therapist, and won't be, but they'll see things clearly and move them forward even when you feel you can't.

Also, if your H wants to stay involved, he's going to use the legal process to do that. Be prepared for that. It's possible that he'll sign the papers and be done, but a lot of people here experience negative engagement that can be very trying. Especially when you're in the grieving process.

Be gentle with yourself right now. And let yourself have bad days. You have a lot of emotions loosening up in there and it's ok to take care of yourself while you work through this.



LnL

[ForeverDad]

He gave me no answers and no closure.

And we naturally are desperate for closure.  However, many here discovered that we never got that.  Face that.  Accpet that you will most likely have to Gift closure to yourself.  Let Go.  Move On.

Even today, if he told me he will go to counseling, I would try again... .Can anyone offer insight into how the divorce process makes you feel?

Counseling only works if he wants it and works hard at it and applies it over a long period of time.  Be honest with yourself, can you see him making drastic improvement in his thinking, perceptions and behaviors?  It would probably be safer to proceed with the divorce and then IF he makes drastic improvements in counseling then you can reconsider.

I recall my initial months of separation, the police had been involved and as I look back me calling 911 (death threats) raised the conflict to a higher (legal/public) level.  I recall being in the court house's waiting room after a hearing in the first year apart and asking if she wanted to reconcile.  Yes, she had accused me of abusing our preschooler (and continued to make allegations for years thereafter) and there I was asking if she wanted to reconcile.   Good but misplaced motives, lousy boundaries too.  Fortunately for me she ignored my offer and in time I realized how risky it would have been to go back.  To this day, some 9 years later, I have no indication from her or anyone else that she's ever had counseling.

[maxen]

I am trying to see my own part and can see some of it.

that's good, even essential, but that's not your primary concern right now. instead, put the emotional labor into how you're going to build your case. it sounds like you're on the right track.

Can anyone offer insight into how the divorce process makes you feel?

it has been both the most horrific and most empowering thing that's ever happened to me. she blindsided me, became psychotic with arrogance, and sadistic. i was in a very very bad place for quite a while. i never wanted a divorce, but i had to divorce her to protect myself. i was terrorized. but by filing first, i got control of the clock, and the situation. i learned how to think in my own interests (though i have a way to go with that), and give orders to a professional hire, my L (a thing i'd never done before).

I have to think about him now.

being in a divorce is having a r/s, in a way. i used to worry about how i would feel when the divorce is over, b/c then we'd really have no connection anymore (although in my case i'll be petitioning for an annulment, so it won't be over). as time has passed that fear has turned into something like anticipation. i'm clear now, in a way i wasn't for along while, on what happened. i don't need her to acknowledge anything, a thing she wouldn't do anyway.

but i see it would be painful to have to dive in again, as you're doing. lawyers are intermediaries. send everything through the Ls. perhaps you don't have to have any contact with him?

[Seriously?]

I appreciate all the replies. I am handling my paperwork myself.  I have been married such a short time and we have no children together.  It is just emotionally exhausting for me while he just files BS and goes about his merry way. I am going to be very kind to myself. My husband is undiagnosed.  I  fairly  certain (about 95%) that he is a pwBPD,  so when I mentioned wanting him to go to counseling,  it is more based on the 5 percent doubt I have. If he really needs healthier coping skills or help with his FOO issues, that makes me think we should at least try counseling.  If he is BPD, I know our marriage is over; I am painted black; and I should move on. Stupid 5 percent. Lol.

[maxen]

I have been married such a short time

this may simplify affairs, as the shorter the time you're married, the likelier a judge would be to return you each to the financial situation you were in before the marriage. in other words, less need for negotiation.