When she tells me she won't go through with the divorce

[ADecadeLost]

Another month down and more fun with the soon to be dBPD ex wife.

As of this evening's skype conversation (still relatively civil), she informed me that she will NOT go through with finalizing the divorce when the six months of separation required by our paperwork is over (early March 2015).  Her doubts about the process have been apparent over the course of the last month, but this is the first time she has told me outright that she plans to refuse to finalize the paperwork.  As we filed for an uncontested divorce, no lawyers are involved, and I need her cooperation to make this happen.  And now I'm getting a little worried.

Making this a contested process and adding lawyers to the equation will only prolong the process, and that's the last thing I want.  I'm ready to move on.  Anyone dealt with this before?  Is there any hope of wrapping this process up uncontested?  Or should I have brought lawyers into the process from the beginning?

I'm hoping it's just her feeling lonely as the holidays approach, but am nervous that I'm in for a much longer process than I had hoped for.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[livednlearned]

Another month down and more fun with the soon to be dBPD ex wife.

As of this evening's skype conversation (still relatively civil), she informed me that she will NOT go through with finalizing the divorce when the six months of separation required by our paperwork is over (early March 2015).  Her doubts about the process have been apparent over the course of the last month, but this is the first time she has told me outright that she plans to refuse to finalize the paperwork.  As we filed for an uncontested divorce, no lawyers are involved, and I need her cooperation to make this happen.  And now I'm getting a little worried.

Making this a contested process and adding lawyers to the equation will only prolong the process, and that's the last thing I want.  I'm ready to move on.  Anyone dealt with this before?  Is there any hope of wrapping this process up uncontested?  Or should I have brought lawyers into the process from the beginning?

I'm hoping it's just her feeling lonely as the holidays approach, but am nervous that I'm in for a much longer process than I had hoped for.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Is your wife still in DBT? If you can get through one of these high-conflict divorces without the usual BPD nightmares, you really dodge a bullet. You probably already know that.

It sounds like there are no kids. Do you have assets and equity, or a home that needs to be split? What do you think is making her want to stall? It could very well be the holidays that are stirring up feelings of loneliness and rejection, and that leads her to want to hang onto you, even though she initiated the divorce. What would happen if you just laid low for right now and waited until the holidays were over?

My sense is that few if any of the divorces that come through here involved a BPD sufferer in DBT. If you use the right tactics (including having firm boundaries), and she is in DBT, it's possible that you could avoid some of the more dramatic high-conflict divorces. And if you do not have kids together, you'll avoid the worst of family court. 

[ADecadeLost]

Livednlearned,

She is still in DBT and has been doing relatively well on that front.  Honestly, I can't remember the last time she had a full on blow up.  A few minor issues, but controlled by her standards.  So from that angle, the entire process has been surprisingly smooth.  As of Friday evening though, she's just dead set on not going through with the process.  It's been constant calls/texts since about how she loves me and the dog, and her intent was never to go through with it.  I'm still hoping it's just holiday loneliness, but not sure at this point.  Hopefully, I can make her see things clearly again once the holidays are over.

As for children/assets/etc, we never bought a house (she constantly wanted to be somewhere else, wasn't worth the risk) and have no children.  We've come to a basic agreement regarding assets, but as it's uncontested there are no lawyers or formal documentation involved at this point.

I may just try to lay low the next week or two and hope this comes to pass.  I, surprisingly, feel no ill will towards her (she made a decision she needed to and I accepted it) and would prefer to keep it that way.  Just doubt that I can keep it that way if she keeps this up.

[livednlearned]

It may seem like she has not had many blow ups because you are living apart. She might be doing better with DBT, but distance from intimacy is easier for BPD sufferers.

Everyone has their bottom line, and maybe you have hit yours, maybe not.

If you do get back together, think carefully about how you merge your assets and think even more carefully about having kids. I have never experienced anything so miserable as a high-conflict divorce and the pain inflicted on my child makes my own suffering seem an inch deep. Some days, I think that family court takes what is most awful about the disorder and multiplies the toxicity, then charges you tens of thousands of dollars for the experience.

It can make the hell you have experienced thus far seem like the good ol' days.  :'(

[ADecadeLost]

I won't be going back.  I'm happy she's doing better, but I'm set in my decision.  Just concerned about a smooth process moving forward.  Being able to do this as amicably and quickly as possible would be preferred.  I'd like to begin moving on with my life (whatever that may mean), but fear she's going to delay the process.

[ogopogodude]

When she tells you that she won't go thru w the divorce, ... .This is simply her exerting power over the situation or over YOU ... .  Once the BPD is not able to have his/her temper tantrum rages and scare the living dickens out of their spouse (meaning you are now living apart, etc) then there is no drama card left to play on the poker table.  Now she has to prove to herself as well as to others that she still does have power and that is by not signing divorce papers.

It is a power thing and that is all. 

[ForeverDad]

In most countries no one can stop or deny a divorce.  It can be delayed, obstructed, made painful, but it can't be stopped.  Domestic relations courts are there to manage the unwinding of a marriage, if one spouse wants a divorce then it will happen in time.

Without children as a factor, it should be relatively straightforward and can be kept largely to a businesslike process, especially if there are no jointly owned assets or debts.  Yes, it can be more difficult, even more expensive, if one spouse opposes it but the end result of divorce cannot be avoided if one wants to divorce.

She is in DBT so hopefully she is on the path toward recovery or at least improvement.  This reminds me of something JoannaK, a prominent poster here in years past, wrote about the future when the pwBPD has largely recovered.  She noted that the person who once had BPD would basically be a different person, that one of both might look at the other and not have a wish to continue the relationship.  Not good or bad, just that the primary parameters - the spouses themselves - had changed that much.  Something to ponder... .

[ADecadeLost]

Thank you both for the replies.

Ogo - You are right.  Distance never stopped her from asserting power via tantrums in the past, but the dynamic of the relationship has changed and this appears to be her new plan of attack.

ForeverDad - I know she can't stop it, but the "delayed, obstructed, made painful" part is what I have been hoping to avoid all these months.  I had started the process of preparing myself to move on before she made her final decision (she spent the 3 months prior to her decision out of the country partying with high school friends, so it was apparent things had changed), and am just ready for it to be over at this point.  It's time to move on with life, and for certain aspects, at least, I'd really like the closure of having things finalized.

I limited contact over the course of the holiday, and am just hoping things will move smoother when I check in with her again next week.

[momtara]

Just quickly - do you really need her permission to divorce her?  It's always a slow process.  You can still do it without attorneys, but it may be slower of course if she says no.

[ADecadeLost]

I do not need her permission per se.  However, the quickest/simplest process in my state is an uncontested divorce (which the paperwork has been filed for).  It requires a 6-month separation from the date of initial filing (complete in early March).  And then, is as simple as both parties standing in front of a judge to finalize it.  Without her consent, I'll have to proceed with a contested process that could potentially add significant time to the process.  Just hoping to avoid that.

Guess we'll see though.

[livednlearned]

I do not need her permission per se.  However, the quickest/simplest process in my state is an uncontested divorce (which the paperwork has been filed for).  It requires a 6-month separation from the date of initial filing (complete in early March).  And then, is as simple as both parties standing in front of a judge to finalize it.  Without her consent, I'll have to proceed with a contested process that could potentially add significant time to the process.  Just hoping to avoid that.

Guess we'll see though.

Is there a point at which an uncontested divorce can go before the judge with one party only? Meaning, if someone does not respond to the divorce, I wonder if there is a way to classify that as uncontested. Or is that what you're saying -- that you can do it, but it will add 12 months or so?

[whirlpoollife]

For the state I am in, a contested divorce can be granted after two years of seperation. The seperation does not have to be living apart in seperate households.  As with me x2bh still lived in the same house for a few months after I filed and that time counted for the seperation time .  H did not receive the divorce complaint until a week after I filed. It is that date , of him receiving the divorce complaint , that was used for the start date not my filing date.   After the two year mark , even though still contested, h could no longer hold back the divorce. I can get what is called a bifurcation, a divorce  but... .the legal battle would continue of the division of assets and child support .   My divorce process is over two and a half years now.  :'(

[Mike76]

I filled for divorce about one month ago, she received the papers 3 weeks ago.   I first mentioned I wanted a divorce 1 years ago and moved to the other bedroom, for all purposes we have been separated for a year.

My dBPDw keeps telling be she will not divorce... .

I email my lawyer today, and the response received from the lawyer said the following, "avoiding will not stop the process".

[ADecadeLost]

Thanks for replies.  In this case, she actually filed the papers.  And I know that the process can move forward with or without her.  I just prefer the concept of having less than 2.5 months to go as opposed to 20.5 months to go.  Hopefully, she comes to her senses.

[livednlearned]

Hopefully, she comes to her senses.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I noticed that things became much easier when my ex got a girlfriend. 

[ADecadeLost]

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Probably the best advice. 

Sadly, I don't think she's likely to find another man anytime soon.  She's pretty well devoted to her DBT at the moment and doesn't seem to want to do anything that will derail her (short of drawing out the divorce that is).

[HardLesson]

I feel for you.  I just ended a 2-1/2 year separation and a divorce process that took over a year from the date of my filing.  My BPDexw is even now still making demands even though she has already signed the settlement agreement.  From what I have learned (the hard way) is to be as proactive as possible and once the settlement is reached (verbally or officially), don't budge.  Even a small acquiescence on your part results in the BPD seeing that as an opening for more.   Even if the "more" is just engagement from you. See, the frantic efforts to avoid abandonment (which is at the core of BPD) are in full gear right now with a divorce pending... .in her mind - the ultimate in abandonment.  The control issues, the refusal or unwillingness of the BPD to negotiate, or even back pedal on previously negotiated terms, are all part of the frantic effort to keep from feeling "abandoned".  It is sad really, as many of the demands or control items can be very unreasonable.  If there are no minor children involved, keep the entire divorce nothing more than a "business" negotiation...   Trust me , that is tough... .we were married for 28 years and together for 35 and have three children (now grown).  I would suggest reading two books, both by Bill Eddy who is a specialist in high conflict divorces.   The first is called "Splitting", and the second is called "BIFF" which stands for "Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly" - the way that ALL of your conversations and interactions with your soon-to-ex should be from this point forward.   I tried to be nice, I forgave or ignored the horrible comments made to me, I acquiesced at times.  Big... .expensive... .mistakes... .both financially and emotionally.  I wish you well.

[ADecadeLost]

Thanks HardLesson.  I've thus far maintained a business-like attitude toward the process and am doing my best to avoid letting emotion get involved.  She's still trying her best to get to me.  In fact, just received a text that informed me that "Really messed up. The way you are treating me."  Gave her the courtesy of a single reply, but kept it professional and let her know she can give me a call tomorrow if she'd like to discuss the timeline.

And I'll look for the titles you recommended this evening.  Plenty of time on my hands these days, may as well use it productively.

[ADecadeLost]

Update:

She's been a little calmer since the holidays have passed.  And as of our discussion this evening, has acknowledged that she will go through with finalizing the uncontested divorce when the required separation is complete.  She admitted she doesn't want to (afraid of being alone I think), but understands that she was the one that set this process in motion and that she owes it to me to go through with it now. 

She's still testing boundaries a little (recent calls at 6am & midnight to ask if she could skype the dog and daily texts telling me she still loves me), but I think the few recent discussions we've had have helped to drive the point home.  I've been straight forward and business-like about the whole process, and it seems to be getting through.  I'm still maintaining the mindset of "preparing for the worst," but are hopefully it will turn out to be unnecessary precautions.

[momtara]

Sounds like excellent boundary-setting and not getting too emotionally involved, or (on the other hand) getting angry.  Good job.

Gosh, Skyping the dog... .that's a good emotional heart-tugger.  I might fall for that one, but I'm a girl.