Does this need to understand a mental illness ever stop?

[christin5433]

I'm in almost a month out of a crazy BPD relationship. A constant repair zone. Can't fix broken I'm starting to realize after reading and writing everyday because I love the fact I feel understood ? I'm grieving . Seems after reading all this next will be I'm replaced. I'm in hiding as I write meaning I'm laying low and having NC. I'm pissed how she destroyed our family over the holidays . I've been watching movies a lot just zoning out. I go to AA meetings I'm 4 years sober. Met my BPD in a meeting. We shared recovery in common more so me than her. Anyway I had a whole 10 seconds of happiness once felt today I forgot years ago. And I thought wow there is a "me" somewhere. So I'm all into wondering all the questions I've been reading about. Why why why did I let a person love me in such a warped way both high high high and low low low. Never stable only short periods. Blamed for all that went wrong . I get it I may have made some mistakes mostly out of survival of r/s. So now it's over I'm wondering is this my new reality just making sense of this messed up r/s? Help me out if you get where I'm coming from. I'm hurting I'm numb I'm lonely.

[Tim300]

I'm not sure that I understand exactly what you're asking.  However, I get where you are coming from.  Thank goodness for these boards and all there is out there about BPD on the Internet.  Only a couple of my closest friends and relatives have really made an effort to try to understand what I've been through.  It's almost an experience that you would need to have gone through to understand what someone else has been through.  We are here for you.

I think often the Nons are a bit too hard on themselves.  You likely had no way of knowing about BPD when you entered the relationship.  And then when things started getting crazy you tried to work though challenges and keep everyone happy -- there is no dishonor in that.

[christin5433]

Well what I'm thinking is I'm out of this r/s and this bpdfamily board to share and discuss is amazing. It is hard to figure out why your all messed up after the fact. I know I'm in constant search for answers and I love being understood and not alone. I guess my anger is why I am so messed up and I need to understand this crap. I think I'm going thru the anger stage right now in my grieving and I resent I'm questioning my own sanity now and hearing how they thrive and get a new replacement . I'm stuck trying to get to know myself

[Tim300]

Well what I'm thinking is I'm out of this r/s and this bpdfamily board to share and discuss is amazing. It is hard to figure out why your all messed up after the fact. I know I'm in constant search for answers and I love being understood and not alone. I guess my anger is why I am so messed up and I need to understand this crap. I think I'm going thru the anger stage right now in my grieving and I resent I'm questioning my own sanity now and hearing how they thrive and get a new replacement . I'm stuck trying to get to know myself

I wouldn't be so sure that they all get a replacement and certainly not so sure that they all thrive right away or in the long term.

[christin5433]

It's just all insanity this BPD to deal with. I've been given some insight and I'm so angry for being a fool. I can be ok now as long as I stay away and my inner strength has grown. I don't want bar ___ crazy . She needed help and that's her choice . I see now it was all drama even though it was projected at me. I'm just in the reality of what really happen and it was not ok. So today it's about me in fact each day my cup gets filled. She left me drained . That's what they do drain your life until there'd nothing to mirror .

[jjclark]

Christin, you bring up an excellent point worthy of exploring.  You ask if this new reality is just making sense of what has happened.

Think about it, for all this time during your relationship you were probably being put down, belittled, ignored, your feelings were seldom acknowldged.  For all this time, you probably fought your inner voice trying to believe your partner. 

Now you are looking for validation.  You might have known something was off all this time, do you ever think that maybe you are trying to understand how you let yourself slide that way? 

In my experience, it took me a lot of research and "re-interpreting" the events that occured to finally understand.  Let's face it, a r/s with someone living with BPD is a mind___ and we didn't learn how to deal with this in highschool or college.  Take the time you need, you're on the right path right now, you're listening to yourself and letting yourself be your own guide in your recovery.  There's nothing wrong with trying to figure things out.  Remember that it's important that although you will understand the logical aspect of it, you still have a physical body and emotions too.  Those need to be tended to just as much. 

Be well.

[Tim300]

You might have known something was off all this time, do you ever think that maybe you are trying to understand how you let yourself slide that way? 

. . . . Let's face it, a r/s with someone living with BPD is a mind___ and we didn't learn how to deal with this in highschool or college. 

I think that's just it.  A lot of us had a gut instinct that something was "off" about the other person, but probably close to 0% of us were trained to know that the signs were indicating BPD and what that meant.  I think it's fair for an uninformed Non to try to forge ahead and work through things even though some aspects of the other person seem off -- I mean, BPD is just so illogical and insane, that no proper-minded person would suspect the other person would ultimately be so irrational and self-destructive at the end.  Without knowledge of BPD, it's fair for a Non to assume that other people are generally rational and want to be happy and get along with people and have loving relationships.  Nons are often ultimately blindsided with the severity of the pwBPD's mental issues.  There may be instances where the craziness is easy to spot (e.g., she's trying to cheat on her 5th husband with you), but that doesn't seem to typically be the case. 

I do regret not going to a psychologist earlier to try to understand what was going on, but I don't fault myself for not magically reading BPD (and all its complexities) in the other person.  I think part of why I was in it so long is because men are trained to believe that all women are a bit crazy and super emotional at least once a month.  There needs to be a greater awareness here that some women have BPD and others do not -- and that there is a major, major difference.     

[Lucky Jim]

Without knowledge of BPD, it's fair for a Non to assume that other people are generally rational and want to be happy and get along with people and have loving relationships.  Nons are often ultimately blindsided with the severity of the pwBPD's mental issues. 

Who knew?  I had never heard of BPD, even in college psychology classes.  I finally learned about BPD from a T almost 10 years into my marriage.  Before that, I was in the dark and often scratching my head over what I had done to trigger the intense rages and abuse from my BPDxW.  Even after I found out about the disorder, I spent years thinking I could help "cure" my BPDxW and save our marriage, which proved to be an insurmountable task.

LuckyJim

[christin5433]

 

In my experience, it took me a lot of research and "re-interpreting" the events that occured to finally understand.  Let's face it, a r/s with someone living with BPD is a mind___ and we didn't learn how to deal with this in highschool or college.  Take the time you need, you're on the right path right now, you're listening to yourself and letting yourself be your own guide in your recovery.  There's nothing wrong with trying to figure things out.  Remember that it's important that although you will understand the logical aspect of it, you still have a physical body and emotions too.  Those need to be tended to just as much.

[christin5433]

That's your words was trying to quote . Still new here . Good stuff.

Real and so true . I'm seriously in a place of trying to figure out my mind and my emotions and how just upside down and sideways they are after the b/u. The b/u itself was a total mind trauma drama. I watched as If outside my body the b/u lasted weeks and it was non stop abuse. I never reacted ? So very little. I was not at all ok while it went down I just functioned at let the who drama happen. I was the main character the person she chose to paint black and smear me. Wow we shared 4 years 2 kids a boom just a memory . Well I think the more I make sense the better it will help me. It's only been a month. NC since jan 15. I'm laying low. Even a little therapy once a week. Plus AA.

Thanks for all imput it helps to be understood

[raisins3142]

They love bomb us and mirror us and hook us with great sex and then we don't want to believe what we are slowly witnessing unfold, at least in my case.

They get us hooked before they let the crazy out in full force.

When they interpret things so differently than yourself and most others you know and they can justify/rationalize/spin it back on you... .then at least I started thinking... ."it is really just me?"

I'd never before had to tell a girlfriend not to run off and sit alone with other men (that neither of us know) and flirt at length while at a bar with me.  She did this, repeatedly.  When I told her she just said "that wasn't flirting" and "you are just insecure and a jealous type of person".  No, smiling and giggling in isolation for an hour with a man you just met while drinking beer is kinda the dictionary definition of flirting and that crap would make any person feel insecure about the relationship and their partners loyalties... .duh.  The sheer audacity almost worked in her favor.  It's like an ex-con I once met that turned his life around.  He said the best way to steal something was to be right out in the open... .just walk into Sears, grab a lawn mower, and push it out like you own the place... .because no one thinks an actual thief would be that bold/dumb and they assume you are innocent and supposed to be doing that... .and if they walk up to you have an easy excuse ready... .seems similar.