Single mom with an almost 5 year old daughter who suffers from a probable BPD

[Falyns_Mom]

I am the single mother of a 4 1/2 year old little girl. She is very smart and independent and imaginative. However, beginning when she was 3, my mom and I noticed behavior that was irrational and extreme at home, despite her being literally, the best student in her class... .and probably the school. She was so well behaved and well mannered, teachers in other classes knew who she was and would compliment me when I crossed their paths. When I eventually broke my silence to an administrator at the child care about my daughter's behavior and attitude at home, she didn't believe me.

A year and half later, my daughter is manipulative, controlling, and dramatic. She screams and "cries" without ever shedding a tear. She does anything she can to manipulate myself and her babysitter and attempts to control us... .as well as the new puppy we recently adopted. Just within the last few days, she has been caught kicking the puppy and yanking her leash for control. If something doesn't go her way, she'll become enraged and start crying and say, "I feel angry and sad and mad!" Although I'm pleased that I've taught her to recognize her feelings and share them, her behavior still boils over into a tantrum. I have tried spanking, talking, and even giving in to calm things down. She can go from 0-60 seemingly with no good reason or "trigger" at all. Other times, it's as if she has a split personality! Just two nights ago, she became infuriated that her play cash register's batteries were dead and so she believed she could no longer play with the toy, or that is wasn't good enough to play with it if it didn't make noise. For some reason, this was a cause for a dramatic meltdown. I ignored her until she calmed down. Eight minutes of a crying fit and she walks out of the room perky AND with a hopeful solution to "fix" her register! As if nothing had happened! It was such a rapid 180, that I just thought to myself, this can't be right.

I am very overwhelmed, especially as a single parent without any family nearby for support. My daughter can act so out of control that honestly... .I just want to disappear. I have these horrible, dark, guilt-ridden feelings that I hate being a mom. I don't want to be her mother. I'm trapped. What kind of mom thinks those things of her child? It causes me depression, which I hide and anxiety, which I try to calm.

I remember when I was in my early 20s... .I felt I had psychological issues... .deep rooted emotional issues and after some research, felt strongly that BPD was what I was suffering from. I experienced every trait and struggled with all of those dark emotions. Of course no one knew this about me... .other than romantic partners that stayed with me long enough to experience my wrath and irrational thinking and fits of crying. By the grace of God... .I overcame the debilitating "disorder" on my own... .through research, introspection, and by practicing healthy self-esteem, healthy and responsible habits and by concentrating on being a mom... .which used to fill me with joy. I learned not to rely on people for my happiness and I consciously let go of the memories, pain and anger I was holding on to from childhood. I am free from those thoughts and emotions, but it took about 10 years of identifying, changing, and practicing habits to transform my psychology.

When I began researching my daughter's behavior, it was not shocking to discover that her traits are consistent with BPD. It was kind of like a light bulb moment. So, now I have a probable idea of what she suffers with and a personal experience myself, but how do I help her?

I have been told time and time again to spank her for her behavior and although I do believe in spanking, I think what I'm dealing with is not a "bad" kid, but something entirely different that does cause me to carefully balance my reaction and response. Yes, I need to discipline her, but I know it must be done so delicately because if done "wrong"... .I could tip the scales in a worse direction and the consequences for me, will be WWIII. So... .does anyone have any advice for a single mom with an almost 5 year old daughter who suffers from a probable BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[meantcorn34]

At her age, I would not label her with a diagnosis. I would talk to your pediatrician about behavioral intervention. They should be able to refer you to a children's behavioral health provider. You're are not a bad mom, just overwhelmed and needing some answers.

[Kwamina]

Hi Falyns_Mom

Being a single mom can be difficult enough as it is and a young daughter 'acting out' only complicates things even more. We can't diagnose people here but what I can say is that doctors are very hesitant to diagnose young children with BPD because their brain is still developing.

You say that you mentioned your daughter's behavior to a school administrator but she didn't believe you. That was 1,5 years ago, have you since talked to anybody else about your daughter. I think meantcorn34 rightly suggests talking to a pediatrician about your daughter's behavior.

You also mention that at a certain point you felt very strongly that you had BPD yourself. Looking back do you still think you have/had BPD? Another possibility could also be that you learned certain unhealthy BPD-like behaviors from people in your childhood and developed certain unhealthy coping strategies, without actually having BPD yourself. Have you ever considered this possibility?

Could it perhaps be that your daughter triggers these old thoughts in you of having BPD?

[jaynebrain]

Hello there!  It must be so tough to manage a challenging daughter as a single mom and you sound like such a loving and concerned mom.  I also would look at your daughter's diet - maybe talk to her Dr. about food allergies, schedules etc. in addition to the other suggestions you have received.  I know that my daughter would melt down every day after school as it took all she had just to "behave" and keep it together during the school day. She knew that I loved her unconditionally.  It must be so painful for them.  As parents we just want to "fix it" and sometimes that might not be the right answer. I know that we worked on a lot of self soothing at that age - good luck to you.  Thinking good thoughts... .

[Rapt Reader]

Welcome to our site 

I can't imagine how hard it is to be a single parent, and when your child has difficulty managing her emotions, it's got make it even harder. It sounds like you have lots of experience and education relating to BPD, and you may have read this book already, but if not, I'd like to suggest you check out this link: Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors - Pat Harvey, ACSW, LCSW-C, and Jeanine Penzo, LICSW.

It seems to me--whether your daughter would or would not be diagnosed at such a young age--that the TOOLS and THE LESSONS that are linked to on the right-hand side of this page could be applied to working with your daughter to improve your relationship with her, and improve her behavior. It would be cool if you checked out those links and let us know what you think... .And if you have any questions we'd love to hear them and help when we can