Did your BPDex make you feel emasculated?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Mine actually did. Sex was good in the honeymoon phase, but she used it even in that early stage of our relationship as a mean to control me. I remember one night, that was in the very early phase of our relationship, we sat in her kitchen, drank a little too much and she was starting to seduce me. When the situation got really... .um, well... .hot, she said, that she has to walk the dog before we continue. When she came back, she had changed her mind, she does not want drunken sex and went to bed.

She lived in another town at that time, but she was searching an apartment for her and her kids in my town. She had an option on 3 or 4 apartments, but she chose the one, that was the worst choice for our privacy. Her bedroom was next to the living room without a door and on the other end of the living room was the bedroom of her son. I told her, that this not the best choice, but she said "We'll manage that." Her way to mange it was to invite me for sex in the morning, when her kids was at school. But nearly every time we had such a date, she had something else to do, clean up the bathroom, clean the windows... .end when she was done, one of her kids came home early. "Oh, i forgot that ... .will be home earlier today." This happened several times and when I became frustrated, because I saw the pattern, she became angry. "You are frustrated, because we don't have sex today? You are an sexual addict, you are a pervert." We didn't had sex for more than two weeks at that day and she invited me to come in the morning to have sex.

Her behaviour was so strange, that I started to withdraw myself sexually. I really started to fear having sex with her. I was getting an erectile dysfunction and was often unable to have an orgasm when we had sex. I think it was her controlling sexual behaviour and the fact, that there was no real intimacy, when we were together. She still played that porn-star-sex-like drama, but it was the same porn-movie every time, always the same choreography and she was so far away. She often said after it "I was somewhere in outer space, I have to return to earth". And that was how it felt for me in the long run: We got close but she felt far away for me.

In an email she wrote after she replaced me, she said: "You refused to come in the mornings so that we have time for the both of us." That was really crazy.

 

[Maternus]

Mine actually did. Sex was good in the honeymoon phase, but she used it even in that early stage of our relationship as a mean to control me. I remember one night, that was in the very early phase of our relationship, we sat in her kitchen, drank a little too much and she was starting to seduce me. When the situation got really... .um, well... .hot, she said, that she has to walk the dog before we continue. When she came back, she had changed her mind, she does not want drunken sex and went to bed.

She lived in another town at that time, but she was searching an apartment for her and her kids in my town. She had an option on 3 or 4 apartments, but she chose the one, that was the worst choice for our privacy. Her bedroom was next to the living room without a door and on the other end of the living room was the bedroom of her son. I told her, that this not the best choice, but she said "We'll manage that." Her way to mange it was to invite me for sex in the morning, when her kids was at school. But nearly every time we had such a date, she had something else to do, clean up the bathroom, clean the windows... .end when she was done, one of her kids came home early. "Oh, i forgot that ... .will be home earlier today." This happened several times and when I became frustrated, because I saw the pattern, she became angry. "You are frustrated, because we don't have sex today? You are an sexual addict, you are a pervert." We didn't had sex for more than two weeks at that day and she invited me to come in the morning to have sex.

Her behaviour was so strange, that I started to withdraw myself sexually. I really started to fear having sex with her. I was getting an erectile dysfunction and was often unable to have an orgasm when we had sex. I think it was her controlling sexual behaviour and the fact, that there was no real intimacy, when we were together. She still played that porn-star-sex-like drama, but it was the same porn-movie every time, always the same choreography and she was so far away. She often said after it "I was somewhere in outer space, I have to return to earth". And that was how it felt for me in the long run: We got close but she felt far away for me.

In an email she wrote after she replaced me, she said: "You refused to come in the mornings so that we have time for the both of us." That was really crazy.

 

[HappyNihilist]

Well, my exBPDbf didn't make me feel castrated... .me being a girl and all... .but he did use sex as a means of control. From reading people's stories and doing research, this appears to be a very common manipulation technique in relationships with Cluster B's.

This is a helpful breakdown of how it unfolds--

Stage 1 - The partner is encouraged or forced to reveal his/her sexual preferences and experiences.

Stage 2 - The pwPD conditions the partner to direct his/her entire sexuality towards the pwPD, in an intense sexual relationship.

Stage 3 - The pwPD dramatically reduces sexual intensity, so that the partner is in constant sexual need (sexual hyperarousal).

Stage 4 - The pwPD grants improper sexual gratification to maintain the partner's sexual need. Now the partner is sexually dependent on the pwBPD and can be humiliated, manipulated, and used.

[Maternus]

It's so strange. You could have given me this list of stages while I was in the relationship with my ex and I had denied, that this has something to do with me. You really have to move out of the FOG to see things clearly.

[raisins3142]

I'm a guy with a uBPDexgf.

I wouldn't say I felt castrated, but more deeply confused and in the end unattractive.

The sex was good but overly dramatic.  As you said, it was like she was mimicking porn and not being intimate.  When sex was more intimate, then she didn't enjoy herself.  She denied it but often faked orgasms.  She would not look at me during sex.

She would not tell me what worked for her or did not nor would she share any fantasies/turn ons.  I was left to guess or just be selfish.

She made all these claims about how this was her first non-dysfunctional sexual relationship, but she was far from fully functional, and it turns out that she let slip that the beginning for her is always pretty good but then she ends up cutting them off or crying during sex.  We never got far enough down the road for that to happen.

She also would never compliment me.  In a little over 6 months, she said something nice about my appearance exactly 2 times, one was because I asked if she was attracted to me because she had never once mentioned anything particular.

What really hurt my self esteem though was how she acted around other men, especially if they were more muscular or dominant than myself.  It made me think "this is what she really wants but just was never able to get a guy like this to commit to her for more than a few sex sessions most likely".

Also, she was an ex-bad girl/partier and it was pretty clear that she was attracted to bad boys with things like tattoos on their neck.

She was big into fantasy and sci fi, and had collections of pictures of stars from gladiator movies that were huge, dominant men.  And she would want to watch these types of shows all the time.  I am of medium to small build, so I felt inadequate.  I found it very teenager-ish that she had folders on her computer filled with pictures of stars of these shows with their shirts off and had them meticulously organized.  That is something women in their 30s don't usually do.  And I find it hurtful and inappropriate to let your partner know of all the various famous people you have crushes on and to expend any real effort in displaying and collecting this type of thing.

[Maternus]

The sex was good but overly dramatic.  As you said, it was like she was mimicking porn and not being intimate.  When sex was more intimate, then she didn't enjoy herself.

Yes, that is how it felt for me, too. In the beginning of our relationship she admitted intimacy and tenderness - she called it "magical sex". But later on, she pushed me away when I wanted to kiss her or come close to her. We never were on the same page when it came to sexuality. And we never found a compromise or a way to deal with our needs.