Learning and accepting

[LearningToAccept2]

Hello:

My uBPD dd30 signed the custody papers yesterday granting me temporary physical and legal custody of her son 15 months old. There is a clause in the order prohibiting her  to remove the baby from my house. In my state temporary custodies are only terminated when either parent proves to a judge that the baby will be better off with them. Fat fat fat chance in her case. The bio dad has an extensive domestic violence history with my daughter and also with his first wife and children. The baby has been living with me for almost 9 months now. She has no maternal instinct and  has not been able to attach to the baby. Further, she refuses to live with us because according to her my husband and I drive her crazy and our home is a hell hole. She is staying with a friend who is a lesbian and I think she is changing her sexual orientation at 30. I have gone through so much with her that nothing surprises me anymore. A ton of bricks  fell off my shoulders since she signed those custody papers later. The baby is my priority now. I know she is sick but I have to let the natural consequences of her choices hit her because nothing I have ever done for her has helped her. It's time to let go and I feel so relived to have reached this stage. I am in awe at how well I am accepting her leaving us and her child. There are not many tears left. It must be that.

Learning

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Dear Learningtoaccept,

What you are doing is very commendable to your gs.

My dd20 has 2 small children and uses them as pawns to control others especially the exbf. She is so focused on controlling everyone, and yet often lacks doing the simplisest things to ensure their well being. If your dd has no attachment to the baby then your dd not living with you is probably for the best. My dd lived with me a short time after she had her first and it was an utter nightmare. She would swing from being a total control freak about everything to do with the baby to almost having a  dont care attidue and putting herself first constantly. She also wouldnt listen to any advice about anythng... .baby or otherwise.The gc have even missed many medical apts because dd just cant be bothered to take them. I think iam also at a stage  where you are LTA2. I have Radical Acceptance that my dd is who she is and that I cant force change on her. You are right It is hard and like you I have no tears left. We want so much more for our gc which makes it especially difficult.

[Worried Mom23]

Im still dealing with the tears and only wish I could be where you both are right now.  I have 2 Grandkids 7 and 1 1/2 and I have them the majority of the time.  My UD is divorcing the father at the present time he is actually way worse then my daughter where the kids are concerned, he is into drugs and is seller of those drugs... Several calls to the local police and nothing seems to ever be done as of right now he has supervised visits and my daughter has full custody, which means my husband and I pretty much have full custody.  My UD is 25 and like you both said she has never really had the motherly instincts.  She doesn't seem to get that if you make sure the baby has a full tummy she will most likely sleep better, instead she flies off the handle when the baby is being difficult to feed and just screams oh well starve then, mind you the little one is a very fussy baby for normal standards.  I might actually be able to get my UD to sign over custody however I would have to fight the father and Im just not willing to take that chance right now.  He has been diagnosed with ODD and im pretty sure he is bi-polar.  She uses the GK against me all the time with threats of not letting me see them and I believe her and give into her demands most of the time.  I love her but find myself trying to avoid her.  If I had custody I think I could walk away.  She says mean mean things to me often and the fear of her taking my GK is big.  So for now I will do what I have to for those babies and one day maybe the father will finally go to jail and then I can work on full custody.   to both of you