What did your EX do when She/He realised your NC was finally serious?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm sure most of us have said I am done 100 times throughout the relationship, only to be coerced back into the relationship with a promise or a lie which seem to be One in the same, that gave our exes The comfort that reengagement is easy, after 47 Days of strict NC my ex tried contacting me wanting to talk as a friend about a family issue she is having, she also tried again yesterday on Day 50, I will not give in and talk to her though! So I think She has no choice but to realise I am serious this time, what are your stories of what happened when your exes came to the realisation that your NC was finally serious?

[Targeted]

I'm sure most of us have said I am done 100 times throughout the relationship, only to be coerced back into the relationship with a promise or a lie which seem to be One in the same, that gave our exes The comfort that reengagement is easy, after 47 Days of strict NC my ex tried contacting me wanting to talk as a friend about a family issue she is having, she also tried again yesterday on Day 50, I will not give in and talk to her though! So I think She has no choice but to realise I am serious this time, what are your stories of what happened when your exes came to the realisation that your NC was finally serious?

[JRT]

I am in the same bot here and wondering the same thing... .It has been 120 since the b/u ... .we have not spoken at all but I have attempted contact in various ways and she has once thorugh an third party (not sure if this resets NC or not?)... .is it necessarily the case that NC compels BPD's to contact?

[Targeted]

All situations being different I know I really meant something to My ex because I was in her life for about 10 years, I know she has never survived a relationship and has had many, both of her marriages were less than one year, typical relationship for her lasts 3–5 months, I am under the impression that even though she is disordered she is still a human being and somewhat realises even though I am not perfect or a millionaire or a movie star and just a regular hard-working guy that her and I had something real emotionally due to it being built slowly and developing out of a trusting friendship instead of just picking a picture off of a dating site! So even though our relationship started in a very normal fashion it was different and abnormal to her, kind of sad!  But she is still human being and I think she is slowly coming to the realisation that our relationship started normal like something she has not had and should not have ended like all the others. I think that may be part of the reason for her trying to contact me?  But I could be wrong!

[JRT]

Its just not fair to have 10 years invested in a r/s to be tossed to the side this way... .sorry to hear this... .I had two years with mine and THAT hurts... .I am 48 and it looks likely that I will see 50 as a single man where it should have been the first year of my marriage. sigh

Although my r/s with her was her longest by far,m she trashed her others which were only 4. She even managed to marry a man that had been her 'best friend' of 10 years and divorced him after 8 months!

[Popcorn71]

My xBPDh probably breathed a sigh of relief when he realised my NC was finally serious.  By this point, he was involved with the replacement but I didn't know this for a few weeks.  I think he probably hoped he would never hear from me again so that he could live his new life without any reminders of me.  Apart from a couple of times to sort out things relating to our divorce and him wanting things he left here, he has never tried to contact me.  I think he pretends I don't exist.

[antelope]

it is devastating for them

losing any attachment reawakens their core abandonment trauma.

that's why they ALWAYS come back, unless you completely eliminate their ability to do so... .a huge deterrent seems to be when they know you have 'figured them out'

[Targeted]

If she wanted to put her problems on the table and get help for them would be the only way I would want to talk about anything with her, otherwise I would just be accepting more of her BS.  I'm just afraid she's going to escalate trying to get a response out of me, first of all the denial from her is huge so telling her to get help for her problems is not going to do anything because to her she does not have one, I was just wondering what others experienced as far as pushing for contact.

[paperlung]

She left me alone... .for the most part.

I told her I was going to change my cell number and email. A week later she calls my house and my mom answers it (I was at class). She just wanted to pass on that she got diagnosed with BPD and that I was right all along.

She didn't try to contact me again until 4 months later after her and my replacement broke up. She found a second Facebook account I had made and messaged me. It was an apology letter; I didn't reply, but it have me some closure.

I didn't hear from her again until a year after we official broke up. First she tried adding me as a friend on FB but I declined. Days later I decided to just write her a very short email telling her I hope all is well, ect. I had a feeling she wasn't doing very well.

I don't hear from her again for another 3 months. She sends me another email and asks for my number so we could text. Judging by the conversation, she wasn't doing so well even though she had another boyfriend in which she was living with.

Another 4 months ago by and she sends me a text out of the blue. Again, I got the impression that things for her weren't all sunshine and rainbows. It's like they only care to reach out to you when they're feeling really down/lonely.

[NonAverageJoe]

Called me a fornicating piece of excrement and claimed she was glad to get away from me. She's truly blocked on my phone now, Facebook etc.

That was almost two weeks ago? I'm not sure. Stopped counting. I have moved on to a total upgrade.

I'm here now to help. Provide perspective for scenarios that I'm familiar with.

[Targeted]

I was called many things like that, she had been a paranoia about human sexuality, even normal desires were deemed as perverted even though she willingly gives herself to men at the drop of a hat, I was accused of being sexually aroused over Disney movies because we would watch Disney movies together and she would check me for erections when a female actress appeared on the screen, she would physically check for erections for so long that she would give me one and then there was all her proof that I was a pervert!   Phukked up!

[Suzn]

Well, I heard things were said about me to others. There was a restraining order in place so I didn't want anything to do with her and didn't care what she said. I ran into her a couple times over the next couple years after the breakup and she was her same belligerent self.

But... .what paperlung said ^^ she attempted contact after the RO expired several times. Her gf at the time contacted me via fb messaging and told me to stop texting and calling her. Hm! She didn't have my number so that was a lie and I told her gf.

Anyway, here's the thing Targeted, I could bet a paycheck that if I were to contact her today that it would be right back on the roller coaster. We can get addicted to the drama. I remember I had been seeing my T after my BU and we had gone to every two week sessions instead of once a week. I made the mistake of telling her I was bored. I had a standing weekly appointment for a while afterwards.  

Oh no, she said... .we need to get you past this boredom. She knew I had been hooked. Drama gets your adrenaline going and once that's gone you kind of have to ween yourself off, back to a more normal level of being. Sit with the boredom sometimes but also find  healthy outlets for our need to be with someone to take away that boredom.

Is there anything you can do to help with that? You mentioned you have a child, maybe activities that help focus some of your energy there?  

[Targeted]

Lol!   Just went this week to a 2 week schedule with my T! 

[hurting300]

What's bad is they are usually the ones to go silent.

[Suzn]

Lol!   Just went this week to a 2 week schedule with my T! 

[myself]

At first, she both withdrew and pushed against the boundaries.

(Our patterns of recycles had shown we always got back together.)

When I didn't respond, she went completely silent, too. To 'punish' me.

(Thinking I would contact/ beg her to return/ whatever.)

When she tried again, she sent guilt-trip messages of blame.

(Letting go, I haven't responded in any way, knowing the r/s is over.)

How has she been handling things since? It's been awhile. Who knows.

Found somebody else. Made a voodoo doll of me. Ended up in an asylum.

Anything but face and deal with her real problems, apologize, etc.

[anxiety5]

Mine showed up at my house crying which I found funny because she was out with a guy the night before.

She told me she loved me and that she missed me. That I was such a good guy and nobody is like me. I stopped her, and looked her dead in the eyes and said I don't want to hear this anymore. I don't want this. It's over. You need to leave. She told me I'd miss her, and I told her look, go do whatever you want. If you think I'm going to care you're wrong. I want a good life. Not your chaos. She left. She emailed me a couple times from her phone to my email address. The latest was yesterday. It said Can I come over and talk? I responded a few hours later via email, No. We've done enough talking. I'm going on with life and I don't want this anymore. Good luck with everything. Knowing her predictable behavior patterns, she will go silent back to me now (thank god) thinking that I'm upset and will go to her (which I'll never do) But eventually I know there will be a time she stops by my house. I'm certain of that. If she does, I will not answer the door. For the next month I'm not parking in front of my house and I'm trying to stay really busy so I'm not here all that much anyway. It's over though. For good. Out of pride/principle I'll never let her back into my life even as a friend. Call me vengeful, but I'm not. I'm holding onto my dignity. I know who Iam and what I did for her and what I deserve in a relationship. She treated me like trash. By default that means I'm gone, forever.

I'm not sure what changed in me over the past month to build the courage to do this but a lot of it had to do with realizing through the help of a counselor the simple fact that I was always hyper focused on fixing our relationship without realizing that I was on edge and in anxiety all the time, not because it was bad, but because that's what she wanted. Me hyper focused on her fed her narcissism. That simple realization took that sympathy some feel for someone who "is sick" or "can't help it" away. Serial rapists are sick too, that doesn't mean you hang around them trying to help them. She's bad news and I get anxiety just by the sight of a car on the road that looks like hers. The absolute mind screw, lies, cheating, and realization that she totally love bombed me into a position so she could pull the rug out is overwhelming. I don't trust her. I see her as a force of evil. I don't care if it's intentional or just the pathology at play. The facts are I've learned to trust my intuition and my intuition feels a gnawing sense of malignancy when I think of even being in the same room as her. I know it sounds weird to say, but I don't hate her despite feeling this way. It's not about blame/hate, anger etc. It's just the stark realization that this person is bad. And as such, I don't want anything to do with her or be around her.

I'm not sure what she will do next, but I don't care. She has no power over me anymore. Whatever she does, I won't react to any of it. And I've done my diligence of breaking it off and being firm. After my last message I'm not responding to any future messages if she manages to track me down after I changed my number. The way I see it, I got out, I broke it off, and I refused to let her back in. I kept my dignity. That's a huge plus in my recovery. It was empowering, and I felt in control for the first time in months.

[JRT]

Mine showed up at my house crying which I found funny because she was out with a guy the night before.

She told me she loved me and that she missed me. That I was such a good guy and nobody is like me. I stopped her, and looked her dead in the eyes and said I don't want to hear this anymore. I don't want this. It's over. You need to leave. She told me I'd miss her, and I told her look, go do whatever you want. If you think I'm going to care you're wrong. I want a good life. Not your chaos. She left. She emailed me a couple times from her phone to my email address. The latest was yesterday. It said Can I come over and talk? I responded a few hours later via email, No. We've done enough talking. I'm going on with life and I don't want this anymore. Good luck with everything. Knowing her predictable behavior patterns, she will go silent back to me now (thank god) thinking that I'm upset and will go to her (which I'll never do) But eventually I know there will be a time she stops by my house. I'm certain of that. If she does, I will not answer the door. For the next month I'm not parking in front of my house and I'm trying to stay really busy so I'm not here all that much anyway. It's over though. For good. Out of pride/principle I'll never let her back into my life even as a friend. Call me vengeful, but I'm not. I'm holding onto my dignity. I know who Iam and what I did for her and what I deserve in a relationship. She treated me like trash. By default that means I'm gone, forever.

I'm not sure what changed in me over the past month to build the courage to do this but a lot of it had to do with realizing through the help of a counselor the simple fact that I was always hyper focused on fixing our relationship without realizing that I was on edge and in anxiety all the time, not because it was bad, but because that's what she wanted. Me hyper focused on her fed her narcissism. That simple realization took that sympathy some feel for someone who "is sick" or "can't help it" away. Serial rapists are sick too, that doesn't mean you hang around them trying to help them. She's bad news and I get anxiety just by the sight of a car on the road that looks like hers. The absolute mind screw, lies, cheating, and realization that she totally love bombed me into a position so she could pull the rug out is overwhelming. I don't trust her. I see her as a force of evil. I don't care if it's intentional or just the pathology at play. The facts are I've learned to trust my intuition and my intuition feels a gnawing sense of malignancy when I think of even being in the same room as her. I know it sounds weird to say, but I don't hate her despite feeling this way. It's not about blame/hate, anger etc. It's just the stark realization that this person is bad. And as such, I don't want anything to do with her or be around her.

I'm not sure what she will do next, but I don't care. She has no power over me anymore. Whatever she does, I won't react to any of it. And I've done my diligence of breaking it off and being firm. After my last message I'm not responding to any future messages if she manages to track me down after I changed my number. The way I see it, I got out, I broke it off, and I refused to let her back in. I kept my dignity. That's a huge plus in my recovery. It was empowering, and I felt in control for the first time in months.

How long were you both together? Who did the breaking up> Have you recycled in the past?

[anxiety5]

Mine showed up at my house crying which I found funny because she was out with a guy the night before.

She told me she loved me and that she missed me. That I was such a good guy and nobody is like me. I stopped her, and looked her dead in the eyes and said I don't want to hear this anymore. I don't want this. It's over. You need to leave. She told me I'd miss her, and I told her look, go do whatever you want. If you think I'm going to care you're wrong. I want a good life. Not your chaos. She left. She emailed me a couple times from her phone to my email address. The latest was yesterday. It said Can I come over and talk? I responded a few hours later via email, No. We've done enough talking. I'm going on with life and I don't want this anymore. Good luck with everything. Knowing her predictable behavior patterns, she will go silent back to me now (thank god) thinking that I'm upset and will go to her (which I'll never do) But eventually I know there will be a time she stops by my house. I'm certain of that. If she does, I will not answer the door. For the next month I'm not parking in front of my house and I'm trying to stay really busy so I'm not here all that much anyway. It's over though. For good. Out of pride/principle I'll never let her back into my life even as a friend. Call me vengeful, but I'm not. I'm holding onto my dignity. I know who Iam and what I did for her and what I deserve in a relationship. She treated me like trash. By default that means I'm gone, forever.

I'm not sure what changed in me over the past month to build the courage to do this but a lot of it had to do with realizing through the help of a counselor the simple fact that I was always hyper focused on fixing our relationship without realizing that I was on edge and in anxiety all the time, not because it was bad, but because that's what she wanted. Me hyper focused on her fed her narcissism. That simple realization took that sympathy some feel for someone who "is sick" or "can't help it" away. Serial rapists are sick too, that doesn't mean you hang around them trying to help them. She's bad news and I get anxiety just by the sight of a car on the road that looks like hers. The absolute mind screw, lies, cheating, and realization that she totally love bombed me into a position so she could pull the rug out is overwhelming. I don't trust her. I see her as a force of evil. I don't care if it's intentional or just the pathology at play. The facts are I've learned to trust my intuition and my intuition feels a gnawing sense of malignancy when I think of even being in the same room as her. I know it sounds weird to say, but I don't hate her despite feeling this way. It's not about blame/hate, anger etc. It's just the stark realization that this person is bad. And as such, I don't want anything to do with her or be around her.

I'm not sure what she will do next, but I don't care. She has no power over me anymore. Whatever she does, I won't react to any of it. And I've done my diligence of breaking it off and being firm. After my last message I'm not responding to any future messages if she manages to track me down after I changed my number. The way I see it, I got out, I broke it off, and I refused to let her back in. I kept my dignity. That's a huge plus in my recovery. It was empowering, and I felt in control for the first time in months.

How long were you both together? Who did the breaking up> Have you recycled in the past?

We were together for a year and 4 months. Incredibly intense. Spent a ton of time together. We have broken up several times but there has been a breakdown over the past 60 days for various reasons. I started to realize I was chasing something that was never going to happen. I started realizing I was on edge all the time out of design. The biggest truth I've ever read is actions over words. They are full of it. All talk. I started holding her accountable. Things unraveled. She was messing around with a coworker but steadfast denies it. Same guy she admitted to cheating with before. I broke it off, she went into a tailspin. Missed days of work, wanted to talk etc. When I realized that there was no resolution, she just wanted to pick things back up, I ran out of energy/words. The urge to try and work on it was gone. And I realized she was always going to hang around like this which would make it impossible for me. So I said my peace and went No Contact 2 weeks ago. I responded to one message she sent via text to my email, and that was simply, no I don't want to talk to you. This is over. I'm moving on with my life, and I don't want this anymore. Good Luck. And I won't respond to anything else.

I'm positive she will try and get me back. I'm a faithful, loyal guy who did a lot for her and supported her through a very rough time in her life. I know that she knows how much I tolerated and was there for her. I honestly can't envision anyone putting up with what I did. So ultimately, she will come back and try and get into my head again. Maybe not even because she cares about me, but I was a crack head's dream of narcissistic supply (through counseling I realized this) Plus maybe just for narcissistic kicks to see if she can still conquer me, but regardless she will come back. And when she does, I will not be mean. I will not be rude. I will not be dramatic. I also, will not be joyful. I'm going to be completely and totally indifferent. I will not fuel her narcissism anymore. She is drop dead gorgeous, and despite that, I will NEVER be with her physically again. It's a matter of pride now. I view her future attempts at recycling and getting back in as an insult to my dignity, my will power and my self respect. Each attempt is her way of letting me know she thinks I have none of these things. Screw that. She will find out soon enough. I'm done with BS. I'm done with chasing. I'm done with bad people. I'm done with egocentric self centered people, I'm done with cheaters, liars, and cowards. I don't want perfect. I want honest. I don't want drop dead gorgeous, I want real. I don't want drama, I want peace. I don't want misery, I want to share happiness with someone who doesn't possess a pathological agenda to destroy me emotionally. There will never be a recycle.

[JRT]

You deserve the best... .sorry that you had to go thorugh this... .thanks for sharing!

[downwhim]

"It's over though. For good. Out of pride/principle I'll never let her back into my life even as a friend. Call me vengeful, but I'm not. I'm holding onto my dignity. I know who Iam and what I did for her and what I deserve in a relationship. She treated me like trash. By default that means I'm gone, forever."

Dignity, pride, principle, self respect are just a few reasons I too feel I can never go back. Who am I if I continue to recycle and get hurt over and over again? Why would I want to get swallowed up in the chaos and anxiety again? It is quiet in my life now. The silence is starting to become my friend while a month ago I feared it.

I don't miss him like I did because I really don't know him anymore. He is gone and I am too strong now to let him come back, take over and offer me whatever little is left. There would be only crumbs after this devastating  break up. I do not trust him at all anymore. He humiliated me and left with so much anxiousness to get to his latest replacement. Nothing could be whole again. I wonder at times if I will be.

This is a long road. I am going to keep taking those baby steps and I am going to continue to move forward. One day I will look back and see the necessity of these long days and I will have survived the pain. Honestly, it has been worse than my divorce, and worse than my mother and father's death. He scared me but in time that will heal too. I just need to continue to have faith.

[letmeout]

Its been a few years but I think my BPDex finally realizes I will never break NC. Maybe they always hold out hope that the one who tolerated so much insanity will go another round or two. No non deserves that kind of hell again, no one.

[Infared]

"It's over though. For good. Out of pride/principle I'll never let her back into my life even as a friend. Call me vengeful, but I'm not. I'm holding onto my dignity. I know who Iam and what I did for her and what I deserve in a relationship. She treated me like trash. By default that means I'm gone, forever."

Dignity, pride, principle, self respect are just a few reasons I too feel I can never go back. Who am I if I continue to recycle and get hurt over and over again? Why would I want to get swallowed up in the chaos and anxiety again? It is quiet in my life now. The silence is starting to become my friend while a month ago I feared it.

I don't miss him like I did because I really don't know him anymore. He is gone and I am too strong now to let him come back, take over and offer me whatever little is left. There would be only crumbs after this devastating  break up. I do not trust him at all anymore. He humiliated me and left with so much anxiousness to get to his latest replacement. Nothing could be whole again. I wonder at times if I will be.

This is a long road. I am going to keep taking those baby steps and I am going to continue to move forward. One day I will look back and see the necessity of these long days and I will have survived the pain. Honestly, it has been worse than my divorce, and worse than my mother and father's death. He scared me but in time that will heal too. I just need to continue to have faith.

I identify with everything you say.  I never though of comparing ... .but now that you mention it... .I suffered grief here waaaaaay more than when my mother passed away. It was just Godawful.

I continue absolute no contact not out of anger or "get even" or anything like that at this point... .I do it to keep my dignity intact and to protect myself from any more pain. Occasionally she will try to walk up to me somewhere and I just don't allow it. No way. To do anything less would not be taking care of me. It's still emotional... .but I just work through it. I am sure that it would be a lot more emotional if I engaged with her in any way... .at my expense. No way.

I stay away from the sickness with no guilt or apology.

[Targeted]

Anxiety5, i'm sure my ex Will eventually go out of her way and make a special trip and show up somewhere to talk to me, I hope I have the indifference to just say to her what you said to your ex and walk away. I read your post " I finally broke free " and I identified with most all of it, it was amazing to read, it was my relationship too! Especially the part about Being hyper fixated on fixing the relationship and that being by design, that part really resonated with me because looking back it really did take the focus off of The fact I was not even really having a relationship and I was just a slave put to work shovelling everything I have two offer into her bottomless pit of needs!   Thank you for writing that post. it helped me.

[anxiety5]

Anxiety5, i'm sure my ex Will eventually go out of her way and make a special trip and show up somewhere to talk to me, I hope I have the indifference to just say to her what you said to your ex and walk away. I read your post " I finally broke free " and I identified with most all of it, it was amazing to read, it was my relationship too! Especially the part about Being hyper fixated on fixing the relationship and that being by design, that part really resonated with me because looking back it really did take the focus off of The fact I was not even really having a relationship and I was just a slave put to work shovelling everything I have two offer into her bottomless pit of needs!   Thank you for writing that post. it helped me.

You're welcome my friend. Are you going to talk to a counselor at all? If not, you should consider it. I had never been before. I've been twice now, and I'm going to keep going until I'm on the other side of this. Sometimes, the crazy stuff we have tolerated, is almost humiliating to audibly communicate to someone we know like a friend or a family member. We worry about making THEM worry about us and I truly believe the concept that "Until you experience something like this, you won't understand or ever "get it" It's been really helpful for me to write stuff down. Now that all the noise has stopped, I have a container with which to kind of try and put all the craziness together. Just simply writing down things I remember, and then talking to a counselor about what our relationship was incredibly validating. You almost feel cleansed when you leave.

I'm still struggling a bit though. I don't miss her AT ALL. I don't know, I think the deal breaker for me was when she hung out with the guy she works with and previously cheated on me with, broke plans with me to do so, and never called or anything. I made a promise to myself that I would never go down that road again. The reasons why boundaries are so important, I see now. We all have our beliefs. Our values. And our sense of right vs. wrong. Some of us just don't enforce the boundaries we need to because we let in someone who in reality shouldn't be let in. So, when we get hurt and then go against all our inner core beliefs and feelings, not only are we stressed and anxious and fearful, we actually begin to hate ourselves underneath it all. When someone forces you to essentially violate your principles, you begin to lose self respect which further devalues ourselves and actually makes the chances we will be abused even greater because we are weakened.

That was it for me though. We have broken up before, but I can honestly say I never really wanted her gone, I always held hope. It's gone now. I view her like something radioactive. I don't even want to be near it. It's like just being in her presence you may not see it, but you are being injured. I feel that gnaw in my stomach now, and it's finally reached a point where I can't forgive the ticky tack things, because her levels of betrayal, disregard, disrespect, carelessness, recklessness have gone too far, for me to have any self respect to even engage her in any form of relationship (even as friends)

I'm still struggling with the thoughts though. I may not miss her, but it's like I can't get her out of my head. It's not anger, it's not longing, it's as if she is just this knot in my brain that's ever present and I can't get it out of there. I know it's just going to take time. Distraction. Self Care and patience. But what keeps me going is reminding myself. Every minute. Every hour. Every day that passes that I'm removed from that relationship and contact with her is one more minute of healing, one more minute of closure and one more minute closer to being back to myself again.

I somehow managed to get out of this with my dignity intact. I'm incredibly grateful for that. I owe a lot of it to this forum and for other people's stories and support. Hang in there. Message me if you need to. I'm sure we can trade war stories and realize something so pathological. So similarly destructive, isn't really special. 

[Targeted]

Anxiety5,

I'm in exactly the same place,  I do have a counselor and I went to him on my own to figure out how to do my part to fix the relationship based on my negative attributes and how I can make it better and the outcome was its not me, not that I'm perfect but the impossibility was her relationship dynamic, it's just not possible with anyone, my counselor is the one who stopped her smear campaign to child services, I would never have thought I would do counseling because of man pride but I think it's a great thing to have someone to talk to besides family and friends that can't totally understand!  I have been going for a long time, she hated my counselor because he refused to have her in his office after she left him a hateful voicemail!  I'm now glad I stuck with him!.  Had a great meeting with him two days ago and put another few feet foreward on the bridge I'm building to get over it, it was about boundries!  And my lack of enforcing them,  I have them and know where they belong but I let her put them where she needed them!   My fault!

[anxiety5]

Anxiety5,

I'm in exactly the same place,  I do have a counselor and I went to him on my own to figure out how to do my part to fix the relationship based on my negative attributes and how I can make it better and the outcome was its not me, not that I'm perfect but the impossibility was her relationship dynamic, it's just not possible with anyone, my counselor is the one who stopped her smear campaign to child services, I would never have thought I would do counseling because of man pride but I think it's a great thing to have someone to talk to besides family and friends that can't totally understand!  I have been going for a long time, she hated my counselor because he refused to have her in his office after she left him a hateful voicemail!  I'm now glad I stuck with him!.  Had a great meeting with him two days ago and put another few feet foreward on the bridge I'm building to get over it, it was about boundries!  And my lack of enforcing them,  I have them and know where they belong but I let her put them where she needed them!   My fault!

That's great news. Don't be so hard on yourself. I wouldn't call it your "fault" We can hate ourselves for what we tolerated but the gift we were given is the lack of regret. Regret is a powerful thing. Anyone courageous enough to try as hard as you did and many of us did is nothing to be ashamed of, for we learned so many valuable lessons from it. That we can't fix someone else, or change them. That we must keep our values and beliefs intact and enforce them as boundaries if violated or we will lose ourselves. If we lose ourselves we can't fix a relationship because we don't even have an identity anymore. Those things by definition have helped me realize good, bad or indifferent, if someone cheats, or refuses to change, than it's pretty simple. It's over. Being true to thy self, is the first and most important step to rebirth. To self esteem. To self respect. And those are all the foundations of HAPPINESS. So, if you learned from it all, have the courage to put pride aside and seek guidance, you should feel nothing but empowered. You have gained insights that will make your entire life better, all because you had the courage to fail in that relationship. And there is no fault in gaining something as great as those insights. That's growth.