Dilemma about my stepdaughter and her BPD Mom. The Teen Years.

[propunchingbag]

So far in my relationship with my BPD wife I have been through a lot. I am pretty tough and have been able to cope with the amount of drama that has come my way. I am planning my exit from this relationship but things take time to set up and I don't want to rush and show my hand.

However a new development has taken place that I am not sure how to handle. My 13 year old step daughter is now the target of my wife and her anger. This is a brand new problem for my step daughter. Although she is not new to seeing the rage that has been aimed at me for years, she has been left out of it. From my point of view it was a real wake up call to how much I do not like my wife. It was one thing to have anger directed at me but another to aim it at our daughter. It upsets me so much that I almost threw up from the stress of trying to stop the one sided fight. It was an emotional abuse fest.

The Trigger:

Stepdaughter did a project for school that featured family members. She did not include her mom in the project but did include a non family member who is her biological dads girlfriends daughter. Its not the first time she has done a school project about family and not included her mom in the project. So basically it made my BPD wife feel unloved. My wife feels like she is at the bottom of the list in her daughters world.

Basically she told my 13 year old stepdaughter the following:

She does not love her anymore and will no longer tell her that she does.

She does not matter. To the world maybe she matters but she no longer has any room in her heart for her.

Why would she put so much effort into loving her child if she does not love her back.

That she wants her to move out to her dads house instead of living with us part time.

Is going to start selling her stuff when she leaves.

As a mom she is going to move on.

Took everything that she has ever given her and threw it in her moms face.

She does not consider daughter as family anymore so I does not want to be part of her world.

It sounds like she finally knocked her daughter off the pillar she has been living on her whole life. Poor kid.

I guess I need some guidance on what to say to my stepdaughter about what is happening. Can anyone help me?

[Crayfog]

Gosh. What a horrible horrible mess. You're now stuck defending not just yourself but trying to make sure your daughter (YOUR innocent girl) isn't permanently harmed.

My mom (I and others believe) has BPD. She disowned me many times. And each time my step father took her side to a point but tried to love me. It would have meant the world to me for him to say "Your mom is wrong." I don't know how that complicates your exit though. I'll defer to other members with more experience.

With my own step-daughter, who has a uBPD a mom, I find myself affirming that she's not crazy and affirming all her strengths. BPD moms can't do that. They just don't know how. After a recent power struggle, my hubby told her that she's a beautiful, smart, strong girl and that he's proud of her. And I cried because I never had anyone who SAW me beyond my mother's twisted image of me.

So. Let her know you see her. Decide where you feel you can take sides. Sending strength from here.

[propunchingbag]

I think this topic should be moved to a different page. I am going to repost in the leaving and detaching page. Please continue posting there instead. Thank you!