Will she come back?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD ex split up with me while on  the last day of our holiday last month, she promised she would not throw me out and I could stay at her parents and we could be freinds.

We had to travel back together, we got back to her parents and she read a letter from her brother ( she does not speak to him or have any contact which him), instantly it was time for me to go... .

I gathered my stuff up and left, I text her after a couple of days, she still said she wanted to be friends.

A couple of days later I suggested we meet up to discuss why the relationship finished, she went nuts! I chased her for a couple of days ( I know big mistake but love is annoying!), then she blocked some stuff but I was persistent, then threats of a restraining order.

I am now trying nc but am really struggling, will she come back and if so what do I do? I have now started reading about BPD but can it work long term or will I have to do this over and over again?

[Terrychango]

My BPD ex split up with me while on  the last day of our holiday last month, she promised she would not throw me out and I could stay at her parents and we could be freinds.

We had to travel back together, we got back to her parents and she read a letter from her brother ( she does not speak to him or have any contact which him), instantly it was time for me to go... .

I gathered my stuff up and left, I text her after a couple of days, she still said she wanted to be friends.

A couple of days later I suggested we meet up to discuss why the relationship finished, she went nuts! I chased her for a couple of days ( I know big mistake but love is annoying!), then she blocked some stuff but I was persistent, then threats of a restraining order.

I am now trying nc but am really struggling, will she come back and if so what do I do? I have now started reading about BPD but can it work long term or will I have to do this over and over again?

[JRT]

sorry that you are going through this man... .BPD really sucks... .I know that you wish to hear something definitive, but having been here for a bit, I don't think that I have heard the same story twice... .it all really depends on the person, the situation and what her background is... .I can tell you for sure that her flight is related to the push/pull dynamic that characterizes pwBPD... .trying to contact her in any way, especially if she has tried to prohibit contact, is going to push her farther away... .i know its painful, but if you ever want to speak with her or be with her again, go NC now.

Most of them seem to come around after a while and you should expect yours to do so if she is typical... .it might take a few days, a few weeks or a few months... .I have even heard about some that do so after years of no contact... .it is also possible that she may never (mine has been 4 months and I have not heard from her). What they do is definitely not fair.

Its important that you do the things that you will need to do in order to maintain your sanity and emotional strength... .this site is full of resources not only to help you understand pwBPD, but also how to best cope with this situation. I don't know what I would have done without it.

[EaglesJuju]

I am now trying nc but am really struggling, will she come back and if so what do I do? I have now started reading about BPD but can it work long term or will I have to do this over and over again?

Hi Terrychango,

I am sorry that you are going such a confusing and frustrating situation.     There is not a definitive answer for your question, since BPD is a spectrum disorder, meaning there is variance of behavior amongst pwBPD.  There is no way to guarantee whether or not your pwBPD will return. 

Chasing a pwBPD can make them feel engulfed. Usually, when this happens a pwBPD will feel overwhelmed or "smothered" and pull back.

The best thing to do is to focus on yourself.  Some people find that going NC gives them the opportunity to fully heal.  Others can heal while having LC. That is all dependent on your needs.

Focusing on yourself and healing is optimal in both scenarios; your pwBPD returning or not returning. There is a tendency to lose focus on ourselves and forget about our needs throughout our relationship with our pwBPD. 

Have you had a chance to look at the lessons on the right hand side?