sick baby

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

6 month old is sick and she has been just wanting to nurse and her dad is threatening legal action if I don't drop her off in the morning what a dbag is all I can say

[rarsweet]

6 month old is sick and she has been just wanting to nurse and her dad is threatening legal action if I don't drop her off in the morning what a dbag is all I can say

[Aussie JJ]

rarsweet,

More information?  Is it safe to drop off a 6 month old to someone who apeaers to be dysregulated and is responding to facts about a child being sick with legal action? 

I know this sucks, I had to drop my son off after being told he wasn't sick to his mother (I took him to the doctor, he was sick) who when I gave her the medication for him she disregarded it and ignored medical advice sending me a link from a google search that said 'medication wasn't always needed'.  Then two weeks later the same doctor recomended the same scrupt, so she went and got a second opinion form another doctor, told me she had another consultation.  I went saw the doctor by myself, the doctor spoke to her on the phone, didn't see our son in person.  It wasn't a consultation, she lied. 


Make sure you have all the information you need, pass it along properly and ask him for any updates on yoru childs healthy when you pick the child up after visitation. 

There are so many factors at hand here, be calm, remove the emotion and be the best parent you can. 

As David and FD constantly point out.  Document, document document!

I hope all your communications are via e-mail ?


AJJ. 

[david]

I went to pick up our boys at school last year. One is in high school and the other is in elementary. I was waiting outside of the high school when my cell rang. It was the elementary school nurse. She told me that S10 was ill and she tried calling his mom several times but she didn't answer. I told her I would be there in about 15 minutes. I picked him up and we went home. Our court order, at that time, had me returning the boys to ex's at 9 pm. S10 came home and went to bed. He had a temp and was nauseous. I sent an email to ex, my only form of communication with her, and informed her that S10 was ill and I was not going to be returning the boys that evening. Ex sent a nasty email back claiming I should have called her and that I am required to bring the boys back because of the court order. I replied that the nurse called her several times with no success and that I had no intention of waking a sick child to follow a court order. I explained it in a much nicer manner but said only those two things. Ex did nothing and never mentioned it again. Took him to the pediatrician the next day, got the prescription filled, and took him home. I contacted ex about the appointment and she never showed. That was on the Friday of my weekend so there was no issue after that since they stayed with me the entire weekend. Ex never asked for make up time and I didn't offer.

You can offer make up time if you think that is best. Let him call the police. In my state they will do a wellness check and see the child is being properly taken care of and is sick.  They will not force the child to be exchanged and tell both parties this is a family court matter. If ex takes you to court you can show that the child was ill and that you offered make up time. You will not need an attorney. All it will cost you is time. If the police do get involved make sure you get a police report.

[rarsweet]

He just texted me that nursing was only a bond between her and I and that it was no different than him feeding her ugh staying calm thank you for advice guys. Really helps to vent here instead of at him.

[ForeverDad]

You can offer make up time if you think that is best. Let him call the police. In my state they will do a wellness check and see the child is being properly taken care of and is sick.  They will not force the child to be exchanged and tell both parties this is a family court matter. If ex takes you to court you can show that the child was ill and that you offered make up time. You will not need an attorney. All it will cost you is time. If the police do get involved make sure you get a police report.

This is basically what I found out too.

• Court may see both parents as capable of caring for an ill child.  Parenting schedules don't usually say, "If the child is ill then the child stays with ___."



• However, this is an infant and so if you have concerns then that may have some weight in court.



• Offering make-up time is one way to show you're not blocking or uncooperative so make sure it is documented.



• My police did respond with wellness checks and and though they asked for the scheduled exchange they did not force it.  Their goal was to resolve the immediate incident, after that attempt they told us, "Fix it in court."



• Regarding court... .this may be an instance of "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission."

[momtara]

I want to tell you to just hang on to that baby... .BUT if only it were that easy!  This is a complex issue that has come up before.  You may do that, and then have to fear that next time, he won't return her, claiming you violated the order, or some such nonsense.  There are a million ways to handle it and maybe lots of consequences, or not.

You can send a factual, non-incendiary email (as some suggested) saying that the baby is sick and (if you really feel it's ok) offering specific makeup time, and just not get into a war.  Then just don't get into a subsequent follow up.  It really depends on your instincts and how bad it is.  Hopefully he will drop it if he sees you are firm.  

I went through this last year.  I sent the factual email saying the kids were sick and they'd stay home.  He still showed up.  He acted reasonable so I let them go.  I knew his parents would be on site too and were planning a birthday party for our son.  However, part of me thinks I should have just sent the email, not responded to him after that, and kept them home.  It is REALLY hard to handle these things!  There are ramifications.

Just try to figure out if you think the baby will be harmed by going with him.  If yes, you keep the baby home.  Court would understand - but document.  Maybe go to doctor.

 If worse comes to worse, you could send a lawyer letter saying baby stays home with you this weekend, and offering makeup time.  That way it's documented.

A thought:  Maybe even doctor could recommend baby stays home.

[DreamGirl]

I also wonder if offering up make up time would help?

From his perspective, it would hard to hear that the kiddo coming with you wasn't in the child's best interest.

It's hard to admit, but he girls staying with their mama (who may suffer from BPD but is in nursing as well) usually is the better "choice". Not that he isn't capable, but my husband is lacking when it comes to sick kids (and wives!).

So I just wonder if there was a way to relay the message in a more validating way?

Or are you following the court order 100% of the time?

[rarsweet]

Well he had her for his three days every day texting me saying she was getting better than I picked her up yesterday and 7 hours later we were in the er she had a 103.7 temp and double ear infection.

[GaGrl]

Document that situation.

[rarsweet]

I called him if course and he met yes at the hospital and the doc is talking to us and I am telling how she was the first few days and he is telling the doc she was fine his three days and the doc is looking at us both like we're crazy. Then the doc asks what her temp had been before last night and my ex says I dunno raesweet what was it, and I said it was 98.4 the first few days, my ex didn't even check to see if she had a fever the three days he had her what the heck. And she couldn't even pee, I nursed her at er to get a wet diaper so I doubt she was eating and drinking fine when she was with him.

[DreamGirl]

What was the doctor's diagnosis?

[david]

 Document everything the doc said and what ex said at the er. This way there will not be a next time. If the baby gets sick again then just let him know the baby will stay with you. If he shows up with the police you can let the police in to see that the baby is ill and also tell them what happened before. They will tell ex that he needs to go to court to straighten it out. If he takes you and you have the evidence then you can recommend that the baby be with you whenever she gets ill and to have that put in the order.

[rarsweet]

Diagnoses was double middle ear infection

[DreamGirl]

So, did he end up taking her or did you keep her? 

[rarsweet]

I took her 7 hours after I picked her up from him, after he had her for three days texting me she was fine.

[DreamGirl]

Poor thing.  :'(

I took her 7 hours after I picked her up from him, after he had her for three days texting me she was fine.

Sounds like my husband -- "throw a band aid on it and let's go".

I think we also need to be really careful (and really grounded in our decision) when we withhold a child from the other parent. A lot of us have been through that ~ and it can cause a lot of issues legally. It also shows the other parent that it's OK to not return the child (based on their view of any situation).

It's tough because most court orders are written so that the parent whose care the child is under gets the decision making power in a case like this --- and his decision was not to take her.

The court isn't going to look at this one instance and consider it as grounds for him not to exercise his parenting time. If there is a long pattern of neglect, and you are documenting, then you can continue to build your case --- unfortunately, your daughter is the one suffering.

That's why I just wonder if there is a way to find a middle ground where your ex actually agrees to let you keep her when she's not feeling well? Less of an accusatory approach? A situation where he can make up the time he feels he has lost?

[momtara]

Get the documentation (ER report or anything else) so that there is no problem later.

This is a baby.  It seems ridiculous to let him take her if you end up in ER because of it.  I am glad she got the right treatment in time, but that's scary.

We are often advised that court won't act based on one time, but I'm wondering if there's any harm in trying to tighten the order and say baby stays home if she's sick?  But first, perhaps you can do as others suggest and sort of send a kind, diplomatic email somehow suggesting that you have access to the docs and to save him the trouble, maybe she stays home in the future if she is sick.

Do you have a permanent custody order in place, or temporary?

[rarsweet]

We have a temp order alternating three days, and I decided to just let her go with him per the order, but within a couple hours of him picking her up he was texting me saying she was fine, just tired.  Like I was crazy for saying she was sick then three days later we are in the er. And I have a journal I give him every exchange, which he has refused to write in since January 6th, I wrote down all her symptoms, every time I took her temp, gave her Tylenol, how she wouldn't eat solids,  etc, I even wrote that he could check her hydration by feeling if her soft spot sinks, and he says oh well she was fine, just tired.

[DreamGirl]

We have a temp order alternating three days, and I decided to just let her go with him per the order, but within a couple hours of him picking her up he was texting me saying she was fine, just tired.  Like I was crazy for saying she was sick then three days later we are in the er. And I have a journal I give him every exchange, which he has refused to write in since January 6th, I wrote down all her symptoms, every time I took her temp, gave her Tylenol, how she wouldn't eat solids,  etc, I even wrote that he could check her hydration by feeling if her soft spot sinks, and he says oh well she was fine, just tired.

It's tough when it seems that it's more about the fight then it's about her well being.  :'(

[david]

My ex is a nurse and still does the kind of stuff you are dealing with. It's simply to get at me and the child's welfare is not any part of her thinking (actually feeling).

[rarsweet]

I think he is just worried about getting what he wants from her instead of what she needs from us.

[momtara]

so did this temporary order just start?  and you switch off 3 days at a time?  i wonder if it's setting a bad precedent.  how long as this schedule been in effect?  do you feel comfortable with him taking the baby when she is well?

is there anyone he has helping him, like his mother?

[rarsweet]

The temp orders were made in September NH takes so long for court. He is living with his dad his mom and dad got divorced when he was 18 months old and he hasn't had a relationship with his mom since.She lives 2k miles away.

[momtara]

If it's a temporary situation, you will get a chance to state your case before it becomes permanent.  If he has been usually taking her for 3 days, you'll want to say why that time should be reduced.  Use this as an example.  Are there others?

Or you can ask for a clause that if she is sick, she doesn't go.  Maybe if she has a fever above 99?  And you can say that's before the age of 5.  Or something to that effect.

You can post on avvo.com and get some legal advice for free.