Same old song

[ProfDaddy]

S10 has completed 1.5 years at an RTC.  The RTC is far away, out west, and we are in TN.  We are at the point of planning a transition for him in the summer of 2015.  In some ways, he has made progress.  Most of the time, he is able to tolerate difficult feelings without being violent.  He is able to listen, discuss feelings, but only for about 10 - 15 minutes.  He is able to take direction and support from adults most of the time, and can often choose to stay safe rather than explode when agitated.  He is able to discuss feelings of guilt and abandonment by his mom (we divorced, I have primary custody, she bolted, she is either uBPD or dBPD, depending on how deeply you dig into her records) with his therapist, and occasionally with parents. 

Now for the however part.  Even with this progress, S10 is difficult to be around. The 3 of us at home now, me, D13 and my new wife, have taken the 2 years S10 has been away to heal and become a normal healthy family.  When S10 is visiting, his near emotional outbursts and frantic level of energy demand ALL the attention from us.  When he isn't the focus of everything, we suffer.  S10 really doesn't respect any other commitments or relationships in others -- he can only see his own needs.  He still sees speding time with someone else, spending time at work, and the like, as abandonment of his needs.  Very borderline behaviors.  The drain of managing him would unbalance and eventually destroy the new family we have built. 

There is also a safety issue.  When three difficult things happened for S10 this month (staff member left, another child made faster progress and went home, and a child who went home earlier died in a car wreck), S10 regressed to a week of his worst behaviors, both in the cottage and school at the RTC: 45 and 60 minute rages resulting in holdings, trying to hurt staff, sexualized behaviors, constant disruption at school, throwing things, urinating and defecating on himself at school, etc.  These behaviors continue to be red flags for most if not all schools.  There isn't a school in my state that could handle these behaviors without calling the police and letting the juvenile justice system intervene. It looks like after 1.5 years of RTC, S10 is NOT ready for a step-down.  We are working with an educational consultant, considering a step-across, to a different RTC.  I'm not sure if the consultant really knows the programs and checks the qualifications of their staff -- she is a new person in an office we have been happy with before.  The person who we worked with before now works for some of the centers, and can't advise due to potential conflicts of interest.  Placeent for S10 isn't clear, the consultannt isn't up to snuff, programs are dodgy, and I don't know what else to do.

The original plan was to use the 1.5 - 2 years at the RTC to stabilize S10, get him to the point where he can be safe most of the time, then step-down his level of care to a Therapeutic Boarding School.  If we found one closer to TN, he would be able to spend more time at home, holidays and breaks.  He is still showing behaviors the TBS will not accept.  Also, there are very few TBS that are not dubious -- shady places with unqualified staff, including therapists who have lost their licenses due to misconduct, teachers that are unlicensed and have been fired from other jobs. 

Where can I place S10 that isn't a glorified prison staffed by incompetents and criminals?  If I give up and bring him home, he destroys three other lives here.  If I keep him in placement until the money is gone, then the same thing will happen, only later.  It feels like the happy lives that we have in my home are a temporary thing, S10 desparately wants to return and be a part of our family, he doesn't have the ability to do so, and still uses old harmful behavior patterns to rage against the reality of his separation from us. 

So, I'm both happy and hopeless (as usual).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Hi I dont have any advise just wanted to send you hugs love support and prayers this is such a horrific disease that we all

suffer from not just the BPD .  I have a dd in her early twentys with bp and we have been dealing with for years .  I cant

even begin to understand the emotional turmoil you must be constantly in for your little son .  God Bless and take one minute

at a time and know all of us on this board understand your dilema  .  Wishing you all the best   

[jellibeans]

Profdaddy

I am glad you were able to update us all on your son. I know it has been a long journey... .one that many of us can relate to. I think that is probably the first step... .acknowledging that this is a long term condition and sometimes the steps forward are painfully small but I do think your son has made improvements.

How do we deal with the anxiety of having out love one return home? Up until now your son has made short visits home and there has been tension around those visits. do you think your son would behave diffiferently if he new he was coming home for good?

Is there a posssiblity he could be placed in a foster home first? Could this be the first step to him returning home?

We recently hired an educational consultant and I truly feel it was the biggest waste of money. They try to instill fear into you and make you feel you are encapable of making the right decision so that you become frozen with fear. The EC we hired recommended 5 RTC and I really was not impressed with any of the places. e had researched Falcon and I still feel that is a good choice for my dd17. You are right when you say there are countless stories of abuse and uncertified staff. I am not sure how you go about finding a good place but I am pretty sure you need to visit and ask a lot of qestions.

What makes you think your son does not have the ability to return home? Is there something you can do to help him transistion? If he returns home can he be home schooled? Will your local school district help support your son? It is there responsibility to educate him so what are their suggestions?

I really don't have any answers for you prodaddy... .I know you have tried to help your son many times. I hear the fear in your post and the real risk of him destroying your now happy home. I wish you well... .please try to stay hopeful... .your son is young and I am hopeful things will improve with age. Take care and hang in there

[ProfDaddy]

Thanks for the responses.  Jellibeans, I can't bring him home now, if he is going to try to hurt others and if he acts out sexually.  That would harm D13.  Those behaviors need to be gone.  The school is very unsupportive.  We are currently in the Federal appeal of a lawsuit to get the school to pay for the RTC.  The schools have no qualified staff here; they are completely unprepared to deal with mental illness.  I can't home school him, keep my job, and keep my sanity.  We were hoping to find a TBS to serve as a step-down, so that everyone could adjust to him spending more time at home, gradually building to more time here. 

[qcarolr]

ProfDaddy,

I can here the distress of choosing sanity and stability for your current family with S away at RTC. Your plan to step down gradually with a TBS sounds like a positive direction, if your S can be successful there. Even though he is making some progress in managing his behaviors, they appear to only be managed. How are the possible underlying factors, which are very difficult to figure out and address with treatment, being pursued? Has any neuropsych testing been done? If so, how long ago?

My DD, now 28, was very difficult from the time we adopted her at 3 weeks. She had 'burned out' the foster 'cradle care' family a week before she was legally free for adoption. The agency made an exception to their rule on this to place her in our home. She is still struggling mightily in her adult life. The consistent testing since age 4 has shown a complex picture that is beyond just BPD traits or behaviors. Neuropsych testing has given the best picture of these complexities over time. She was tested at age 6, 9, 11 and 23. The underlying attachment losses/failures are significant - this research was not in my realm of reality until recently in parenting my gd9. DD also has non-verbal learning disabilities. She is who she is and cannot live in our home, and so far is unable to manage a place of her own. She is asked to 'vacate' within about 2 weeks. She has brief periods of self-reflection and pursues outpatient treatment, then she cycles and shifts into her transient life-style. Sadly, she can always find others with similar stories as companions. Well actually, this is not sad for her. It seems to overall work for her moment to moment. It is foreign to me and I have to accept her reality on a daily basis.

I often ponder that even if I had all the information, strategies, treatment options, etc. that I know about now and the self-care knowledge to manage my own distress -- would things be different for her? Perhaps things would be better for my dh and I and our isolation from family and friends would have been less. I cannot predict how DD would have responded. I cannot redo life for my DD or my relationship to her over time. I can be a better parent with my gd9. I can continue to find unconditional love for my DD while maintaining the boundaries needed for harmony in our home. Using the many tools here and from local sources I now have a healthier relationship with her. She is who she is and will do what she does as an adult.

There is a lot to balance. Your post here shows a lot of acceptance of the realities with your S10. Being here for myself and the others in our household took me too long to achieve. My denials and resistances are strong. I hope and pray that the best possible situation can be found for your S10 to continue with the baby steps he is making. Praying for you to find some peace and joy in each day. Prayers for this for S10 also.

qcr