potential BPD partner works with BPD mother

[peachybear]

So, We've known that my boyfriend (of over 2 years now) has a mother with undiagnosed BPD. Shes unwilling to see a therapist or admit in any way that she does have this serious problem.

When I met my boyfriend, i fell in love with his sweet charm. He had all the amazing qualities I had been looking for, and I have to say that I love him very much. However I soon found out that his personal life was in shambles because he works in a family business with his mother who is a very clear cut case of BPD.

For over 2 years now i've been trying to help him set up boundaries with her to no avail. Ive tried to get him to read self help books on the subject but he always puts them down in favor of fiction books.

His relationship has deteriorated with her. she despises me. im really nice to her but that sort of thing doesnt matter when your sick. she has told him that although she is ready to retire, she will never leave the family business to him as long as he's dating me. she spreads lies about me, telling all sorts of nasty things to people. Its getting very hard to deal with emotionally.

Yesterday I was talking to my boyfriend about this and he said that he sees a lot of the BPD traits from the book he's half heartedly reading in himself. I just dont know what to do. I have very good solid boundaries, but i dont want him to be sick... .I dont even know what he needs to get better... .how can he get better when he has to see his mother at work every day?

Is my relationship doomed to failure? She pretty well has him wrapped around his little finger and although he wants change, he's not committed to it. I just dont know what to do anymore. i feel completely hopeless.

[Harri]

Hi peachybear.  I am sorry to hear your boyfriend may have BPD that you think he picked up from his mother.  It is possible that they are 'traits' rather than actual BPD behaviors though.  Opinions seem to vary on this but I think of traits as being less automatic and ingrained than what we see in people diagnosed with BPD, though in essence, there is no difference in methodology when it comes to over coming those problems (again, IMO).  Can you describe any of his behaviors that fit the diagnostic criteria?

It is possible for him to 'get better' even if he does spend his days with his mother.  The thing is though, he has to want to get better and it does not sound like he is interested or at least he is not driven to get help and change.  I can't say your relationship is doomed to failure though I will say that having strong boundaries are a must and even with the best of boundaries things are likely to be challenging (at least from his mother).

Peachybear, you are welcome to post on this board but I wonder if you might find more help at Staying: Improving a relationship board.  Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

I wish you good luck and I hope to see you around the boards!

[peachybear]

Sine my first post my boyfriend and I have gotten in a large fight of sorts. He did something that really violated my trust and he got extremely defensive, started projecting, lying, all the sorts of things ive read about in literature regarding BPD. I definitely do not think he has BPD, but its become clear that he has BPD traits sometimes. We've been dating nearly 3 years now, its not a relationship I want to throw out the window by any means. I have a couples therapy session scheduled for this friday. Will what we learn in these therapy sessions be able to be applied to his mother who has BPD?

What exactly is the treatment difference between BPD vs. BPD traits? I can clearly see the behavioral differences in the two of them. She acts like she has BPD all the time and he acts like he has BPD only under a lot of emotional stress, but WHY is there this difference between them? There's so much about this disorder that I just dont understand.

[Maternus]

She acts like she has BPD all the time and he acts like he has BPD only under a lot of emotional stress, but WHY is there this difference between them? There's so much about this disorder that I just dont understand.

Children from people with Cluster-B-Disorders often show traits of this disorders without being disordered themselves.  They have learned this behaviour to cope with stress when they were children and they think that this is normal behaviour. My parents are both Cluster-B and when I look back on my life when I was 20 to 30 I can remember many situations where I behaved like a Cluster-B-Personality myself. I had lots of narcissistic traits - but I don't have many of them today. I had the traits, but they were no part of my personality, they were part of my strategy to deal with stress and uncomfortable situations. And most of it had to do with my denial of being abused as child. I knew that there is a dark place in my past but I didn't want to look at it. There is a good chance that your boyfriend only shows some traits of BPD without being a pwBPD.