Restraining Order in Hand. Do I file it or not?

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I've been wrestling with a decision of filing or not filing a restraining order.  I have tried the pros and cons list, but still do not find peace with a final decision.

Some background info. My divorce after a 34 month relationship is supposed to be finalized in two days. The good news. We do not have children together. We have no shared assets. There was a prenuptial in place (she didn't like that document very much - saved my bacon). In other words a clean break where I should never have to see her again.  Also, she won't be at the final court hearing because she defaulted. She didn't get an invite to the "party" because of this.

She lives about 30 minutes away. She was physically abusive to me. Scratching. Punching. Slapping. Hitting. She did come to my home one time during one of our separation cycles in a rage. She was yelling at the top of her lungs. She ripped a window screen as threatened to throw bricks through a window. The police were called. She was removed from the property.

On our last cycle before she moved out, she threatened to kill herself.  I stopped at my local woman's domestic abuse center (they help men too) and they assisted in filling out the paperwork for a restraining order.

Once again, my divorce is expected to be final in 2 days. My ex is already on a dating web site in search of my replacement. At the site she stated she wants to get married. She sent me a couple of photos with her new guys.  I don't respond.  I have been NC on my side for about 2 1/2 months.

The questions. Should I still go ahead and file the restraining order?  Am I going to create more problems?  Will she file a false retaliatory restraining order?  I am a public figure in my community. That concerns me.  I don't want that on my record.  Since she is in search of/already has a replacement, am I being unnecessarily concerned?

I've been the recipient of her rages.  She knows no boundaries of control.

Any thoughts?  I need to come to a conclusion with this soon and find peace with that decision.

ABB

[AliveButBeatup]

I've been wrestling with a decision of filing or not filing a restraining order.  I have tried the pros and cons list, but still do not find peace with a final decision.

Some background info. My divorce after a 34 month relationship is supposed to be finalized in two days. The good news. We do not have children together. We have no shared assets. There was a prenuptial in place (she didn't like that document very much - saved my bacon). In other words a clean break where I should never have to see her again.  Also, she won't be at the final court hearing because she defaulted. She didn't get an invite to the "party" because of this.

She lives about 30 minutes away. She was physically abusive to me. Scratching. Punching. Slapping. Hitting. She did come to my home one time during one of our separation cycles in a rage. She was yelling at the top of her lungs. She ripped a window screen as threatened to throw bricks through a window. The police were called. She was removed from the property.

On our last cycle before she moved out, she threatened to kill herself.  I stopped at my local woman's domestic abuse center (they help men too) and they assisted in filling out the paperwork for a restraining order.

Once again, my divorce is expected to be final in 2 days. My ex is already on a dating web site in search of my replacement. At the site she stated she wants to get married. She sent me a couple of photos with her new guys.  I don't respond.  I have been NC on my side for about 2 1/2 months.

The questions. Should I still go ahead and file the restraining order?  Am I going to create more problems?  Will she file a false retaliatory restraining order?  I am a public figure in my community. That concerns me.  I don't want that on my record.  Since she is in search of/already has a replacement, am I being unnecessarily concerned?

I've been the recipient of her rages.  She knows no boundaries of control.

Any thoughts?  I need to come to a conclusion with this soon and find peace with that decision.

ABB

[maxen]

when was the most recent incident? what were the circumstances?

[AliveButBeatup]

when was the most recent incident? what were the circumstances?

About 3 months ago. She went to the kitchen. Took a knife. Said she was going to commit suicide. Later that evening, she swallowed a pill bottle full of Zoloft.  A week later when she was asked to leave, she went on a smear campaign by calling business colleagues.  She moved out that day.  I was in the process of getting a court move out order.

ABB

[livednlearned]

It's a hard decision.

I chose to not file a restraining order -- there is a chapter in Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker about the pros/cons of restraining orders, and after reading that, I figured my ex is the type of person who would have escalated his behavior. That's a good book to read, and it's not just for women. de Becker writes about a lot of scenarios where people have no regard for boundaries, and how to try and manage the fear we feel and figure out how to respond.

What kind of restraining order are you filing? For example, is it for no contact, including no email/phone/text? If that's the type of restraining order, then you have to be prepared to enforce it. There are very good chances that your ex will test you to see if you really stand behind this boundary.

If it is legal to file a restraining order against you, that means she is willing to manipulate the system, and may even try to trap you. That will keep the conflict going, something that some BPD sufferers seem to have no problem with.

Since it has been 3 months since the last physical incident, would you be willing to wait another stretch to wait it out and see if the conflict begins to wane? I found it was much easier to deal with my ex's abusive communication after time had passed. It got to the point where I just filed his messages away with no emotional reaction, and treated it like legal documentation.

My ex also mellowed out as soon as he got a girlfriend. It took four years for that to happen, and while it would have been hurtful if he did that right after the divorce, I can see now that it would've made things a lot easier to handle.

[AliveButBeatup]

Thanks for your comments livednlearned.

I am leaning towards not filing it.  My thoughts are she lives 30 minutes away, so there is a geographical boundary.  If she does show up at my house, I will call the police to have her removed regardless if there is a restraining order in place or not.  Because she is out dating and trying to get herself into a relationship, I think that seves as a buffer.  She painted me very black since she moved out.  We have no kids together. Do not hang out in the same social circles.

My concern. In the event of a series of very short term failed relationships is she going to reach out to me. I am in a no contact mode with her. I have the mental discipline to stay in that mode.  The e-mail account she sent e-mails to has been deleted.  Her phone number is blocked.

I am trying to get a feel from other folks who have experience with this where the ex-spouse shows up in a rage or otherwise several weeks or months after the divorce.

ABB

[ForeverDad]

My impression, at least in my area, is that restraining or protection orders are harder to get the older (or more 'stale' the triggering reason becomes.  Your relationship - the marriage - is just about over.  You haven't been in contact lately.  For all you know she may never contact you again.  I wonder whether a judge will view this as overkill or even a type of delayed retaliation.  We could call it negative engagement.

You may have to feel your way through this.  That is, there is more than one way to handle this.  On the one hand, you could file but, as you stated, it risks her coming back into your life due to the litigation.  On the other hand, you could keep the paperwork nearby and if she does seek you out then you could file.

If she does contact you, you cannot encourage or enable her by continuing a conversation, even for the sake of politeness.  State your position briefly and then end it promptly.  Your judgment whether to file then or let that first contact be your notice to her to back away and stay away.  Depends on prior events, I presume you already told her not to contact you.

[AliveButBeatup]

My impression, at least in my area, is that restraining or protection orders are harder to get the older (or more 'stale' the triggering reason becomes.  Your relationship - the marriage - is just about over.  You haven't been in contact lately.  For all you know she may never contact you again.  I wonder whether a judge will view this as overkill or even a type of delayed retaliation.  We could call it negative engagement.

You may have to feel your way through this.  That is, there is more than one way to handle this.  On the one hand, you could file but, as you stated, it risks her coming back into your life due to the litigation.  On the other hand, you could keep the paperwork nearby and if she does seek you out then you could file.

If she does contact you, you cannot encourage or enable her by continuing a conversation, even for the sake of politeness.  State your position briefly and then end it promptly.  Your judgment whether to file then or let that first contact be your notice to her to back away and stay away.  Depends on prior events, I presume you already told her not to contact you.

She sent me three e-mails over the last 2 1/2 months which included her vitriol and messages of devaluation. I don't reply and now the account she sends them to has been deleted.  In the event she does show up at my house while I am inside, I will simply call the police. If I am outside, I will go inside and call the police. I have mentally trained myself to not engage with her. I have no reason to.

On her last cycle, she told me she wanted to never hear from me again. I am happy to comply.  She isn't missed.

Getting back on point. For those of you who did not have kids together, went through a divorce and had no reason to ever talk again. How many of you had your ex-spouse try to re enter back into your life?  Reenter in a hostile fashion?  Raged at you at a later time?

ABB