I have no idea what I would have done to figure things out if I had not found this forum. I have learned so much about BPD here and it also really helped to speak with others who have similar stories as mine as well as to hear other variations.
I turned the corner on recovering in December and I no longer have that 'herd of elephants parked on my soul' feeling that I had. But I DO obsess and I wonder if coming here as much as I do is keeping the wound open for me. Having a home office definitely a problem as is the kind of job that keeps one at a desk but I find myself her more frequently than I probably should and she still occupies my mind more than any other breakup (frankly all of them put together!). Is this a case where too much of a good thing can be a bad thing? Its been 4 months, should she no longer be occupying my thoughts as she does? Come to think of it, I don't even really think about HER or our relationship at all, I think about the breakup and the aftermath.
JRT,
This is a good question, and one I can relate to. I spent a good six months straight here between the summer and Christmas of 2013. I knew my wife was diagnosed with BPD before even landing here, and began learning how to navigate it, but in the aftermath of her abrupt departure/disappearance, I had no idea there were so many other people in similar situations... .no idea that there were solid answers to the things that literally had me on my knees at times. I learned a lot here, learned a lot about myself and how I was complicit in the dysfunction of the relationship, and even acted as an ambassador/mod on this site for a time. Eventually, it became too much and I had to get away and detach from the constant internal and external bombardment of dealing with BPD all day, every day.
I came back almost exactly one year later (Christmas, 2014)... .six/seven weeks ago or so. I came back a little wiser, and a lot less triggered, after that time away. I used a lot of what I learned here during that time, worked through a lot of things in therapy, etc. A year later, I am in what appears to be a healthier relationship and, even if I haven't successfully changed all of my self-defeating tendencies, I can at least identify them and where they might be coming from. I will never forget what I went through, and may never be fully okay with it, but I can handle it, and giving a little back, at my own pace, is rewarding.
Only you can answer whether this site is holding you back... .it might be, at least temporarily. In reading your posts, it seems like you are ready to take the next step forward into a deeper self-analysis, but aren't completely there yet. Maybe you can do it on your own, maybe you can do it with the help of a therapist, or maybe there are more answers to be found here still. Like Ripped says, this site will still be here if you take some time off... .and it will welcome you back just the same.
