uBPD ex asked me to go to couples therapy

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, I tried to keep it brief--and failed!

My ex was diagnosed bipolar nearly a year ago, and exhibits almost all the signs of borderline / adult child of an alcoholic. I had to set boundaries in our relationship because I'm a graduate student and the level of care that he was requiring put me in danger of self-destruction. Regardless of how much I love my partner, his needs were like a bottomless pit. He rejected the boundaries, became increasingly paranoid, fixated on delusions, and his behavior towards me was erratic and extreme, like most of you have experienced.

However, he was going to therapy and taking his medication and I knew there was a long road ahead for him to heal. I decided that if he was committed to doing the work, then I would remain committed to him.

Of course, several months later, he became restless and impatient and ended our relationship. After a couple months of not speaking, he has reappeared and asked me to join him in therapy. I'm not sure what to do.

Part of the reason he wants me to go is that he is aware that he has misled his therapist. I assume he is using therapy to win the affection and affirmation that he never received his parents--instead of a tool for self-reflection and insight--and has projected all of his less desirable behaviors and qualities onto me (and likely modified narratives, left out information, etc.). He mentioned that his therapist actually suggested that I was the one in the relationship who exhibits BPD qualities. When I pointed out that he is probably using me as a container for everything about himself that is too painful to face, he said, "I know. That's why I need you to come. I need her to know that you're not crazy, if I'm going to get any better."

Another thing that I should stress: He's delusional and I am (and have been) the object of his delusions, which scares me. He's obsessed with my exes, the thoughts in my head, and is convinced that I have betrayed him (while he is, of course, the one who has been promiscuous--which I haven't held over his head).

For the past 2 months following our breakup, he's been in a manic state--out on the town every night, being the life of the party, drinking heavily while on psych meds, hitting on women and doing god knows what else--from what I've seen and heard, he is not slowing down. It's likely that everyone thinks he's doing great, getting his mojo back, back in the game, whatever. Hardly anyone who knows him doesn't know him well enough to know that he's bipolar (and, likewise, many of these "friends" are either too damaged or oblivious or distant to notice that something is very very wrong). I'm worried that if I re-enter the picture and THEN he hits a visible bottom, that would be attributed to me instead of to him.

I know it's up to him to choose self-reflection and healing. But it also breaks my heart to turn my back on him, especially when something like therapy is now part of the conversation. I wonder if my perspective / narrative in therapy would be helpful--at least for his therapist to see that he's delusional. But I also am afraid that this might backfire, that I might be pinned into a corner or villainized, or treated like the "secret patient." He abides by a completely different system of logic and reality and, because he believes so strongly in everything he says, his therapist is likely buying into his narrative. He's her client and I'm not.

I'm also not sure if I can handle that kind of emotional investment. Watching the person I love self-destruct has already been difficult enough--and I really could use some peace of mind. But I do miss him (at least the sane version that I thought I used to know) and I still love him tremendously. Am I being duped? Or is he attempting to take a big step and truly needs the help? I know I'm not responsible for his health. But it's hard to watch someone you love drown when you know that you could throw a rope out. Especially when his family and his friends are useless (or too busy to care).

If he was asking to talk with me one-on-one, I would say no. But I'm having trouble saying no to therapy.

I'm curious to know if any of you have experienced this and if you have some perspectives to offer. I'm obviously desperate.

[help_me_rhonda]

Well, I tried to keep it brief--and failed!

My ex was diagnosed bipolar nearly a year ago, and exhibits almost all the signs of borderline / adult child of an alcoholic. I had to set boundaries in our relationship because I'm a graduate student and the level of care that he was requiring put me in danger of self-destruction. Regardless of how much I love my partner, his needs were like a bottomless pit. He rejected the boundaries, became increasingly paranoid, fixated on delusions, and his behavior towards me was erratic and extreme, like most of you have experienced.

However, he was going to therapy and taking his medication and I knew there was a long road ahead for him to heal. I decided that if he was committed to doing the work, then I would remain committed to him.

Of course, several months later, he became restless and impatient and ended our relationship. After a couple months of not speaking, he has reappeared and asked me to join him in therapy. I'm not sure what to do.

Part of the reason he wants me to go is that he is aware that he has misled his therapist. I assume he is using therapy to win the affection and affirmation that he never received his parents--instead of a tool for self-reflection and insight--and has projected all of his less desirable behaviors and qualities onto me (and likely modified narratives, left out information, etc.). He mentioned that his therapist actually suggested that I was the one in the relationship who exhibits BPD qualities. When I pointed out that he is probably using me as a container for everything about himself that is too painful to face, he said, "I know. That's why I need you to come. I need her to know that you're not crazy, if I'm going to get any better."

Another thing that I should stress: He's delusional and I am (and have been) the object of his delusions, which scares me. He's obsessed with my exes, the thoughts in my head, and is convinced that I have betrayed him (while he is, of course, the one who has been promiscuous--which I haven't held over his head).

For the past 2 months following our breakup, he's been in a manic state--out on the town every night, being the life of the party, drinking heavily while on psych meds, hitting on women and doing god knows what else--from what I've seen and heard, he is not slowing down. It's likely that everyone thinks he's doing great, getting his mojo back, back in the game, whatever. Hardly anyone who knows him doesn't know him well enough to know that he's bipolar (and, likewise, many of these "friends" are either too damaged or oblivious or distant to notice that something is very very wrong). I'm worried that if I re-enter the picture and THEN he hits a visible bottom, that would be attributed to me instead of to him.

I know it's up to him to choose self-reflection and healing. But it also breaks my heart to turn my back on him, especially when something like therapy is now part of the conversation. I wonder if my perspective / narrative in therapy would be helpful--at least for his therapist to see that he's delusional. But I also am afraid that this might backfire, that I might be pinned into a corner or villainized, or treated like the "secret patient." He abides by a completely different system of logic and reality and, because he believes so strongly in everything he says, his therapist is likely buying into his narrative. He's her client and I'm not.

I'm also not sure if I can handle that kind of emotional investment. Watching the person I love self-destruct has already been difficult enough--and I really could use some peace of mind. But I do miss him (at least the sane version that I thought I used to know) and I still love him tremendously. Am I being duped? Or is he attempting to take a big step and truly needs the help? I know I'm not responsible for his health. But it's hard to watch someone you love drown when you know that you could throw a rope out. Especially when his family and his friends are useless (or too busy to care).

If he was asking to talk with me one-on-one, I would say no. But I'm having trouble saying no to therapy.

I'm curious to know if any of you have experienced this and if you have some perspectives to offer. I'm obviously desperate.

[Mike-X]

I certainly get the dilemma. Do you know whether his therapist has agreed to or is encouraging this?

With respect to his rationale (i.e., his admitting to you that he hasn't been truthful about you to his therapist and has led her believe that you have BPD traits), do you think this is something that he should correct on his own with his therapist?

[Oooohm]

Questions:  :)o you know if his therapists is skilled in CBT/DBT, or is at least familiar with BPD?

Is the request coming from him or is it a "suggestion" from his therapist? Is his diagnosis officially BPD or does it remain Bipolar?

My gut feeling 1 of 2 things could be happening:

1. He truly wants you to help his therapist understand who he is to help him better.

2. He Sub-consiously senses his therapists is starting to catch on to who he really is and his hoping to "show her you" to justify what he has said about you.  (Logically makes no sense... .but does in his mind)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey help me rhonda, I find your quandary interesting because it's unusual for a pwBPD to take responsibility for their disorder.  My BPDxW dropped out of MC as well as individual T many times.  Usual pattern: she would initially sing the praises of the T for the first visit or two, then when the going got rough she would come up with an excuse to drop out.  Same thing in MC.

Yet your situation is the reverse, which is intriguing to me.  I agree w/Ooohm, yet don't see any particular downside to meeting w/your Ex in a therapeutic setting.  Please keep us posted!

LuckyJim