BPDFamily Experts... I Need Insight on Ex Wife Post Divorce Email Contacts

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Lived N Learned, Skip, Forever Dad and all... .

I need all of your wisdom and insight to help me understand behavior from ex who was diagnosed with BPD.

Short version... .text book from her... .splitting, anger, physical violence, co-occurring also with unhappiness, depression, panic and anxiety, and eating disorder that were all my fault and clearly presented her with the only option she advised that was clear to anyone... .that she had to divorce me.

During divorce made threats she would destroy me, unless I did what she asked, if I did not cooperate... .then I would be making her hate me forever!  Thank God we never had children (Which I wanted)!  Believe it or not she really on a day to day basis exhibits like she is a high functioning category.

Almost divorced a year... .and have received unsolicited emails from her about topics out of the blue... .her dogs, her family and just recently sent me a video of a vintage car I always admired... .with no more than, "Thought you would be interested in this regarding the car"

What?... .ok... .what is going on inside her head?

I really do not want these emails from her.

NewWays

[NewWays]

Lived N Learned, Skip, Forever Dad and all... .

I need all of your wisdom and insight to help me understand behavior from ex who was diagnosed with BPD.

Short version... .text book from her... .splitting, anger, physical violence, co-occurring also with unhappiness, depression, panic and anxiety, and eating disorder that were all my fault and clearly presented her with the only option she advised that was clear to anyone... .that she had to divorce me.

During divorce made threats she would destroy me, unless I did what she asked, if I did not cooperate... .then I would be making her hate me forever!  Thank God we never had children (Which I wanted)!  Believe it or not she really on a day to day basis exhibits like she is a high functioning category.

Almost divorced a year... .and have received unsolicited emails from her about topics out of the blue... .her dogs, her family and just recently sent me a video of a vintage car I always admired... .with no more than, "Thought you would be interested in this regarding the car"

What?... .ok... .what is going on inside her head?

I really do not want these emails from her.

NewWays

[Nope]

I think you know exactly what this is and it terrifies you. It's a clear desire on her part to reconnect and possibly a recycle attempt. Ignore. Eventually she'll meet someone else and stop. But if you respond in any way you will be fueling the fire.

[ugghh]

It's a test to see if you will reply.    As to what is causing it - your guess is as good as any - new bf and her had a fight, bad day at work, its snowing,etc.  You get the idea.  Remember with BPD it always come back to control.  When you were together, that control was the one thing she could count on.  Now that you are not together, she is testing to see if she can still push your buttons so to speak.

Radio silence is golden in this situation.

[david]

No kids so that is a big plus since you do not have to communicate at all. You are no longer married so why even bother. Let it go and move on with your life. Save her emails just in case she tries to take you to court over something.

If you think about it she says she had to divorce you so why would she contact you once you are divorced ? You are the problem, why would you contact someone that caused you so much grief ? It's illogical and doesn't need a reply. In fact the best thing you can do is to not reply.

[Panda39]

Radio silence is golden in this situation.

I agree.

My SO is 4 years out and his uBPDxw still sends him rediculous emails about nothing... .just poking him with a stick to see if he will engage.  Nope  .

[Waddams]

What?... .ok... .what is going on inside her head?

She's trying to maintain a connection.  Even after the divorce and all the drama she wants the mental security that comes from knowing you're still in the background and she can count on you if she feels she needs you.  It's an abandonment thing.  She's perceiving you no longer around as her being abandoned.  It's not true, she pushed you away.  But she's perceives it how she does due to her illness.

I really do not want these emails from her.

Block her email address, or auto direct her emails to the trash folder, or some other folder for keeping but not readying, just in case you need documentation later.  But in the end, if you want no contact with her, just don't respond. 

[david]

I have two children with my ex so we have to communicate. Ex left in 2007 and we divorced in 2010. I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month telling me what was wrong with me/why it was all my fault/etc. Some time around 2011 she started sending less emails. I ignored all emails except if they had something to do with the kids. Today I get around 5 to 10 a month. Eight out of ten have something attacking me personally or real passive/aggressive bs. I only respond to things pertaining to our kids and ignore the rest.

[NewWays]

All... .

Thank you for your insight and input.

Do not worry, I do not respond, but crazy me thought that when it was over... .it would be over.

Good advise regarding saving the emails just in case she wants to take a walk through memory lane that now that we are divorced, and she reminds me and powers up in her swirling mind that the divorce is for sure now that we are divorced... .even more of my fault... .and good idea to save the emails just in case I need documentation and she wants to get the fun previously of taking me back to court.

Good reminder that control is one of the key elements that is a driver of her behavior.  It is what it is... .and she is what she is.

I thought it would be really over but I know now that she re-works many of those previous elements of her disorder to have a reason to have some small level of connection that gives her a path to still try and control, blame and split!

I have answered my own question... .what is going on in her head now is the same stuff that was going on in her head that was going on during our marriage.

Those of you have kids... .and still have to talk/communicate with your ex spouse, I could never do what you do... .as I have always felt like I had an empty part of my soul stay empty because we had no kids but I know now it was a blessing on us.  My hat is off to all of you doing it for your kids!

Again, thank you for all of your helpful insight and advise!

NewWays

[ForeverDad]

Those of you have kids... .and still have to talk/communicate with your ex spouse, I could never do what you do... .as I have always felt like I had an empty part of my soul stay empty because we had no kids but I know now it was a blessing on us.  My hat is off to all of you doing it for your kids!

There are various reasons why we had kids.  I sometimes feel that I was forced to come here seeking education and peer support because I had a child.  I was quite ignorant of the psychology and I had misconceptions.  A major misconception was thinking that if we had a child then she would be happier since she could enjoy our child discovering life, seeing it through his eyes.  Didn't happen!  Instead, she relived her own childhood, insecurities, fears and obsessions through him.  Whether our marriage would have ultimately failed anyway, I'll never know, but I do believe our having a child hastened the rise of conflict and left no choice but to unwind the imploding marriage.

Children, while wonderful blessings, do not change a marriage from dysfunctional and unhealthy to functional and healthy.  Having children doesn't fix a dysfunctional marriage, it just makes the problems more evident and vastly more complicated if and when the marriage fails.

[livednlearned]

Almost divorced a year... .and have received unsolicited emails from her about topics out of the blue... .her dogs, her family and just recently sent me a video of a vintage car I always admired... .with no more than, "Thought you would be interested in this regarding the car"

What?... .ok... .what is going on inside her head?

People with BPD disassociate. I wonder if this is happening when she sends you messages that seem disconnected from what is really happening (divorce). Disassociation can be like dysphoria, whether rages or whatnot, but it's also possible to disassociate from the distress or chaos that someone suffering with BPD experiences. It is hard to imagine what it must be like to have an unstable self -- to slide around on feelings and then construct reality based on those feelings, no matter where they are coming from (past events, current triggers). I'm not a therapist, just guessing.

But like you say, the behaviors you experienced in the marriage are likely present now. She is able to compartmentalize because of the disorder, splitting you black then white.

I really do not want these emails from her.

The only way to stop them from coming is to block her, or filter them and don't read them. But even better, work on the feelings they trigger and take some of the punch out of how you feel. That way you process them and let them rest for good. It's no fun being haunted by this stuff, and looking the other way works in the short term, but not in the long term.

How are you doing at this stage of divorce?

[OnceConfused]

I believe BPD keeps sending you stuffs because she/he still wants to exert some control over your emotions.

Her power is to hit the SEND key and your power is to hit the DELETE key.

Try to hit the delete key without reading the content. then after 10 times, let us know how powerful you feel. They own you no more. You are liberated.

[NewWays]

All... .and... .

Forever Dad... .

You stated that, "I was quite ignorant of the psychology and I had misconceptions"

I had no clue about all the psychological stuff and was totally ignorant.  After stuff started emerging, I began to seem like I was always asking myself, "Why is this going on?  What is driving this behavior from her?" - Then was first exposed to family of origin concepts and influence of what an alcoholic and drug abusing father probably had on her made me blast my eyes wide open to reality as I educated myself on basic FOO concepts.  BPD came later that blasted my ignorance again.  But... .I like you believed that since I wanted a child so bad, she had to be happier to have a child and become a loving mother!  But... .all the while I was saddened that this little voice inside me kept telling me to ask myself how life would really be if her behavior did not change and she did not become happier if we had a child!  Knowing what I know now and all the wisdom and sharing of experiences from all the great folks here clearly shows me that I was so ignorant and wrong!


You also stated that, "Whether our marriage would have ultimately failed anyway, I'll never know, but I do believe our having a child hastened the rise of conflict and left no choice but to unwind the imploding marriage"

Looking back, I think your observation is a good one.  I believe that if we had a child, that may have mitigated the chaos and slowed down the imploding marriage but no more.  Your observation of Children, while wonderful blessings, do not change a marriage from dysfunctional and unhealthy to functional and healthy.  Having children doesn't fix a dysfunctional marriage, it just makes the problems more evident and vastly more complicated if and when the marriage failsis a fact that I now realize more than ever as I look back over my marriage.

Lived N Learned... .

Thank you for the items to better understand.  Have been reading up on disassociation and there were times in our marriage when she would seem depressed and tell me she just did not feel the was "Here" and that things were not real!  And felt a real yearning to be with her Father who had previously passed away from liver disease due to IV drug abuse.  Holy Cow!  Much of BPD stuff I am finding is like an iceberg.  What you initially see and experience is hidden and much of the item is under water that you do not see!  I am doing more research and learning on this area since what you have pointed out to me sounds like you were actually walking in my shoes observing what was going on.  Looking back... .the splitting probably was a major generator of denial on my part since when I was the good guy and not the bad guy from her perspective... .things were beautiful and we avoided all the destructive, painful relationship interactions that appeared when things went black!  When things were white, I was so happy and hopeful that I was no longer the stupid piece of xxxx she had previously outlined... .and felt we had a real chance for recovery!

After almost a year post divorce... .I am clearly in a much better emotional place of better boundaries, sense-of self and re-building a healthy level of trust with people in general.  The pain and suffering that I experienced early... .and during after the divorce from being totally dropped from our marriage in an instant... .has greatly diminished and I believe is improving each and every day as I realize that a spouse with BPD is almost serves up a virtual impossibility to ever really have a healthy and happy marriage.  I am doing things that I could not of ever have done before in the marriage without severe reprimand and faulting... .including staying up from 2:30am until 4:45am one night taking time lapse photographs of the horizon and slow sun-rise time lapse shots with my Canon Digital Camera.

I do not answer her emails.  Any email contacts can at times, stir some mild anger and frustration that can seep into me as I question how I let all of the BPD behaviors continue to happen and did not understand the reality of what was a blinking red light that needed my attention!

But I am learning, growing and taking one day... .and one step at a time with trying to calm the feelings or ramp up of feelings that can sometimes be triggered when she sends an email out from left field.

NewWays