Guilt is driving me insane

[Peaceinthehome]

Hi all, my 23 year old son has been in and out of rehabs. It has been ten years of hell with his BPD and ADD.  He is completely toxic. He cannot be helped as he is too busy defending himself and blaming others - his denial is impossibly strong.  His illness is such that i dont think he could ever survive.   Unwilling or unable, I am not sure?    For the last two years he has been using meth. Last weekend he came to my door asking for something to eat. I let him in. It was a mistake. The local church ws supposed to help him arrange a rehab stay from the next day.  He ended up staying with me for a week while he detoxed. I bought meds, food, etc etc.  He has nothing. I witnessed his insanity and it drained me. He was very co-operative and hopeful about going to the church rehab.  He didnt use the whole week. But there were two arguments between us during which i still saw his entitlement and his lethal ability to use his guilt to slay me.  (Which i seem to be allowing) Today he went out to the shop and stayed away for an hour. While he was gone I told myself he has gone out to use. When he came back I wouldnt let him in. He went hysterical sobbed and cried said he had done nothing wrong and hadnt used. I called our security company and they tried to remove him. He caused such a commotion that I let him back in.  It was a mistake.  I called my daughter who has five years clean.  She talked to him and he left.  I have felt the worst guilt since. What if, through me being unable to manage my angst, I have foiled a rehab attempt which could have worked, because after letting him in the second time i could see he hadnt used. What if he goes out and uses and this time he dies?  I know this is my own illness talking but I cannot think straight.  I am a mess.  Sobbing the whole day.  The guilt and insanity is killing me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[eyvindr]

Hi Peaceinthehome,

Wow. I'm sorry.   That's a lot to be dealing with. Anytime someone we love is struggling with addiction issues, PDs or some kind of mental illness, it's extremely scary and emotionally draining. When it's a child, I think all of those factors go through the roof.

Are you talking to anyone? It's easy to get stuck in the moment in these cases, since you're the one who's trying to hold everything together -- I bet that consumes all of your energy and most of your time. Do you have a T?

[lbjnltx]

The antidote for genuinely deserved guilt is to ask for forgiveness Peace... .if you made a mistake apologize... .own it.  There is no shame in admitting that we react out of fear instead of respond from a place of hope.  Both are rooted in love, care and concern.



lbj

[Peaceinthehome]

Thanks for the loving replies. I managed to talk it through with someone who is also in a 12 step program.  I am highly strung and battle an anxiety disorder.  My son left rehab in august last year out of his own volition against our instruction.  Since then he has been wandering around with bits of bad news coming back to us at intervals. We have tried to not get involved.  But subconscioulsy it has been weighing very heavily on me.  Having my son in my environment is incredibly stressful for me. He steals and is regularly in trouble with the police.  He is a high maintenance individual and  I am often waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am also coping with a lot of pressure in my job and have other issues over and above that.  I have given myself permission to be wrong, to make a mistake and to snap. It has been ten years of crisis after crisis, which I mostly handly\e well.  Its okay that I doubted him yesterday, he has after all not done much to earn my trust. I am human and very scared, I am at times able to detach, yesterday i was not.  My son is not in my corner. He couldnt care less about me. He loves the fights, drama and intensity and he loves that he was once again the victim. It means he can go out and use.  It fits with his image of himself... .the one who is always victimised.  I have no problem saying I am sorry. In fact I say it too easily. But this time I am going to trust that my Higher Power and my son's, is bigger than my mistake and that all the things we both got wrong or right will all even out over a period of time and result in some stability for both of us. I am going to trust that my one mistake is not powerful enough to ruin all my son's chances at recovery.  If he wants to recover he will, in spite of me not trusting him yesterday. It is after all not about me. It is about the choices he makes.  The good I do and the value I add far outweighs the harm I do. If I can only remember that. I am very good at beating myself up.  And that doesnt serve anyone.

[eyvindr]

Hi again Peace,

I'm glad you were able to connect with someone to talk to. Really helps to not go through this stuff alone.

This is great --

But this time I am going to trust that my Higher Power and my son's, is bigger than my mistake and that all the things we both got wrong or right will all even out over a period of time and result in some stability for both of us. I am going to trust that my one mistake is not powerful enough to ruin all my son's chances at recovery.  If he wants to recover he will, in spite of me not trusting him yesterday. It is after all not about me. It is about the choices he makes.  The good I do and the value I add far outweighs the harm I do. If I can only remember that. I am very good at beating myself up. And that doesnt serve anyone.

This is something I call "taking the long view." Sometimes, it's the most practical and healthy approach to take, imo. To me, it involves accepting the current reality of the situation, having a clear sense of how much and how little control or influence we actually have over the outcome, and letting things take their course, without muscling in and trying to take responsibility for things we ultimately aren't responsible for, despite our care and concern for the other parties involved.

It takes good nerves to do this. Good for you.

[lbjnltx]

I understand Peace... .When we are able to live with the outcome without regrets we are in a good place.  If you can genuinely do that then you are making the best choice for yourself.

lbj