Hard decisions

[busymind79]

My 15 yr old daughter is in acute inpatient again.

I have to start with saying that I am very proud that she came to me and asked to go. She said she didn't feel safe and couldn't stop thinking of ways to kill herself. I see this as progress and told her I was very proud that she made the decision to ask for help before acting on the urges.

She got into trouble Saturday night when she went to the festival in town (we knew she was going), and then did not answer texts or have any communication with us (she was supposed to arrange to meet her father and brother). She showed up at the house about 12:30 at night and told her Dad that she didn't feel the need to tell him where she was or what she was doing. I know that being "in trouble" is a trigger for her, but this has been festering in her for a couple of months now.

The psychiatrist at the hospital is concerned about her progression from depressed and impulsive to defiant and self destructive over this year. This is the first time this particular doctor has recognized and discussed BPD with me. He does not believe that her prior 5 week hospitalization was enough for her to shift her thought processes. I do not disagree with him. I also know that my daughter doesn't want to go to long term, but I told her I could not make any promises. I am so hesitant to send her to another program.

No one wants to send away their baby. I know that it might be the right thing to do but I am not sure. I hate to see her miss her summer. I know I am not right in thinking that, but I do. I guess I have unrealistic goals for her. Mainly that she could have a fun time hanging out with her friends and be healthy and safe in doing that.

I don't know why this time is so much harder. Tomorrow, I will have to get in touch with her care manager at the insurance company and get my options.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi busymind,

I'm sorry to hear your D is struggling and back in acute inpatient care, and agree that it is very meaningful that she came to you and told you she didn't feel safe. Do you feel that's due to anything in particular? Maybe she learned this somewhere along the way, prior RTC? My son came to me with suicidal ideation, and it was a surprise to me when counselors said that is a positive thing, since so often it's a friend telling a friend, who tells a parent, who contacts the school and the whole thing blows up. If it is any comfort, my son's psychiatrist said that it is a sign of a bonded relationship for a child to report SI to the parent.

Do you think that coming to you and telling you how she feels might change how adamant she was about returning to RTC? I remember in previous posts you mentioned that she refused to go. Has that changed do you think?

I understand, too, what you mean about unrealistic goals, wanting your D to have a fun summer. I find it's a daily struggle, sometimes moment to moment, trying to adjust the life my son is living, versus the one I envisioned for him. I feel what he is choosing to do is a form of rotting, although am doing my best to be patient and recognize that his emotional and psychological development is not the storybook version.

Have you read Blaise Aguirre's recent book (2nd edition) on BPD and adolescence? I found reading it helped me have a conversation with myself that I needed to have, and was gratified to hear him insist that kids be dx'd BPD before 18. Maybe this latest round with the hospital is, in a strange way, a gift that someone is willing to connect the dots.

I'm sending lots of support your way as you prepare to deal with insurance companies and learn what options are there. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing, and if you're able to take care of yourself as you work through this. 

[lbjnltx]

Hi busymind,

It is good that she came to you and I hope that you can find the help she needs that will affect positive lasting change backed up with solid and tangible skills she can call upon throughout her life.

You are in a position right now to make decisions for her care and I encourage you to do this with hope, clarity, and knowledge.



lbj

[busymind79]

Well, my daughter will be returning home tomorrow. We have decided to give her a chance to turn things around in continuing her therapy as outpatient for the moment. We had a very difficult meeting in which she expressed much anger that she does not see. Her regular counselor is aware of this and is planning on helping to work through this with her. The deciding factor came when she said that she had become very ashamed of the recent drug use and sexual behaviors that she was trying to use as a coping mechanism. She had realized that it wasn't working for her and that she became very upset with herself leading to this hospitalization. We see this as a sort of progress. The psychiatrist and social worker believe that while she could definitely benefit from residential treatment, she is not at a point where she is willing to put in the work. She is so dead set that she can do this on her own, that she will rebuff the efforts of a facility. We are going to see what we can do to continue supporting her at home, but will continue researching facilities. I don't know that this is the right thing, but that is the plan for now.

[lbjnltx]

It is a good idea to have a plan for the future in case it is needed.  These are big decisions that take time to research and finalize.

Honestly busymind, there was not one single girl at Falcon Ridge that came there ready to do the work.  It's a process of being faced with yourself and feeling safe, not judged, and supported by peers that breaks down the barriers.  Some girls started working on themselves within the first month and others took longer.  It took my daughter until month 3 to really start investing in her own recovery and to begin to work all the aspects of the program.

lbj