Feeling Better but still working it through

[goingtostopthis]

     My last post I was dealing with this issue having to do with my sister and my feeling of moving to this farm that belongs to my sick Aunt who has damensia. Ive been torn because I have been trying to piece together the truth of whether or not my sister is the one who has been willed this place, whether or not she owns it now or just has Power of Attorney.

     I saw my therapist and we were talking about this as well a some plans I have made to put a small flat, no fence riding arena in behind the barn. I have permission to do this, no problems with my sister here, but when my therapist found out my sister has POA he freaked out on me,  more or less and told me I shouldnt be investing any money in this place or making plans because with a POA my sister can very easily put her name on the title which will give her total control of this place , meaning she owns it.

                Well, Ive had depressive episodes before but not like this. It was like someone died. That someone being me. I was led here a bit on what I call false pretenses.  I left my own place which I owned, a little farm that I had for 16 years with a good teaching job with a promise of being a part of this place as being a co owner. On the deed. Things changed when I got here with my sister bullying me, bossing me around, putting me down, telling me I couldnt do things that I was promised I could do when I got here, so you can imagine I went through a period of time freaking out internally feeling completely deceived and victimized, oh and the grand one of them all,  lied to. 

                   Me dealing with an older sister with odd behavior I have never seen in her before and no one to really believe me or care. My therapist told me I need to see an attorney which is not a bad idea but he also tried too sway me away from bringing my feelings up about this "will" and POA issue with my sister or my mother. Well sometimes therapists know what best for you and sometimes they dont have a clue. All I know is that my sister never told me she was on my Aunt's will, and that this place as of now isnt hers, but will be when she dies. Well shes been acting like its all ready hers and has been acting like a female dog.  I have to be honest.  Her totally disregarding that my Aunt specifically told me she wanted me to have this place too, my sister was witness to this and my mother.

                Anyways,  I didnt know any of this when I saw my therapist last. I just knew there was no way in hell that I would ever stoop down to my sister and become her little abused servant girl here,  over my dead body. After leaving behind what I had to come here to nothing?  No chance.  I have never had so many crying bouts in my life after this therapist appointment. I wanted to blame him but he was just telling it to me straight. 

                               So what I did which is a good start is make a time for me to meet with my mother and have a talk with her so I could get some of these important questions answered , is there a will?,  who signed it?   Does my sister all ready have her self on the dead?  etc. etc. I wanted to talk with my mother first because I felt safer that way. I dont feel safe around my sister alone. I dont know for sure if she has BPD but it looks that way, pretty much.

                               I was ready to tell my mother that I was going to leave and find a place of my own. I made this very clear to her that I was considering it very seriously. That I was upset and that I needed some questions answered by the best of her ability.  Well,  it was good talk.  She was very understanding to me and my feelings which was really a surprise.   I didnt expect that.   Maybe it was the look on my face. I wasnt doing so well emotionally, sadder then sad. I couldnt help it.  I made sure I wasnt going to act angry, because the truth has been I have been so angry and full of private tirades for the past 3 months over this. Anyways,  I found out she only has a POA now,  but she is on the will.  Why she didnt assure the inclusion of me and my mother, my aunts sister,  I dont know. I say this because orginonally I was told by her that I would be on the deed as well.  This was two years ago, but who is going to forget something like that?( An 80 acre farm.)  Also two years ago is when it was signed.  with out me obviously, ha ha hah hahhahhahahahahahhaah<   crazy angry  moment, its over now.  (  : 

                               So to make along story short. I had a really good constructive talk with my mother and we decided to make a plan. She agreed that I should be able to be on the deed too. For several reasons, one being that my sister needs me here to help in the care of all these farm animals and the maintenance of this place which sorely needs it.  I was up front with my mother, I told her I was not going to put money into this place or help with the property tax if I didnt have a substancial reason to, like being on the deed. For me it would be like building a house on sand, at any time Big Sis could come around, sell the place out from under us, or just be irrational and two faced about joint descions or understandings made. So we decided to have a meeting this Thursday to talk about this issue and to come up with a plan where every body is happy and the right thing to do in regards to all of us will be seriously considered and hopefully worked out. I want all three of us on the deed.  This is the way I think it should be and my mother agreed.  My Aunt is still alive.  So this place at this time does not belong to my sister.  So we have time.              She cant make it here with out my help, she know this,  but if it turns out she gives me trouble double talk over this idea,  then fine,  Im ready to accept that ,ok,   Im going to go and find my own place to live.  I dont know if you could call this a boundary?   or my terms,  it feels like a boundary of what I will accept and what I wont accept.   And I think it's fair.         

                                  So I am making progress.   A little bit everyday, some progress more significant then others, but it's progress just the same.  (  :   

[Kwamina]

Hi again GTST  

I dont feel safe around my sister alone.

Could you perhaps tell us some more about why you don't feel safe around your sister alone? It's clear that she can be emotionally abusive, does she also threaten your physical safety?

                              So to make along story short. I had a really good constructive talk with my mother and we decided to make a plan. She agreed that I should be able to be on the deed too. For several reasons, one being that my sister needs me here to help in the care of all these farm animals and the maintenance of this place which sorely needs it.  I was up front with my mother, I told her I was not going to put money into this place or help with the property tax if I didnt have a substancial reason to, like being on the deed. For me it would be like building a house on sand, at any time Big Sis could come around, sell the place out from under us, or just be irrational and two faced about joint descions or understandings made. So we decided to have a meeting this Thursday to talk about this issue and to come up with a plan where every body is happy and the right thing to do in regards to all of us will be seriously considered and hopefully worked out. I want all three of us on the deed.  This is the way I think it should be and my mother agreed.  My Aunt is still alive.  So this place at this time does not belong to my sister.  So we have time.              

I am glad you were able to have a good conversation with your mother. Today is Thursday and I'm very interested in hearing about how your meeting with your mom and sis went.

She cant make it here with out my help, she know this,  but if it turns out she gives me trouble double talk over this idea,  then fine,  Im ready to accept that ,ok,   Im going to go and find my own place to live.  I dont know if you could call this a boundary?   or my terms,  it feels like a boundary of what I will accept and what I wont accept.   And I think it's fair.          

I would call this facing reality as it really is. You could haven chosen not to address this issue and ignore the fact that it's really important to you. But instead you've chosen to be pro-active and tackle this head on

                                 So I am making progress.   A little bit everyday, some progress more significant then others, but it's progress just the same.  (  :  

No matter how small all large the steps, each step counts!

[Edgewood]

Hi GTS, 

I’m glad you’re feeling better about the situation.  I think your therapist gave you good advice that will serve you well.  It has to feel good to have had a positive conversation with your mom, which hasn't happened in some time.   

It sounds like you really want to inherit a third of the farm.  Have you thought about whether or not you want the things that would come along with that inheritance?  You’d be working with mom and sis indefinitely.  The success of your efforts and investments would hinge on their actions.  Do you see your relationship with them improving after your aunt passes?

Your sister may need help running the farm, but that help doesn’t have to come from you. 

[goingtostopthis]

I havent felt safe around my sister for several reasons. The most current reason is that a while back she kind of assaulted me. I confronted her about blaiming me for something I didnt do and also told her that I didnt feel appreciated by her in any of the things Ive been doing to help.  Ive done some major things around here in repairs, cleaning, painting etc. and she has ignored it each time. This hurts my feelings and it just seems really weird of her. Anyways, she snapped when I told how I felt and grabbed me by my coat and pushed me out of the room into a door and wouldnt let go.  It really shook me up. She said she was sorry later and wanted me to forgive her which I did, but I cant seem to get this occurence out of my mind. I have to all ways be on guard over what I say to her now.

   The other reason is I think I mean I dont feel safe to be myself. Ive have thought it was me making myself feel uncomfortabe around her,like it was my fault but I feel like Ive been conditioned to feel that way by her. To be really honest, I dont think she wants me here. She will say that she does with her words but her behavior says other wise, at least to me.  Its like she wants to be the only one who gains the validation and credit for everything that is done around here, that's why anything that I am doing that is just as worthly of credit for a job well done, gets ignored. Like I just spent all this time(and Im still not done) painting the laundry room which was in really bad shape. It was a drab gray and the walls were filthy.  Now it looks like totally different room. It looks great!  She hasnt said one word about it.  Not one word. Which is pretty strange because she's never been like this in the past. As I used to know her she would have been really happy about it and naturally would have been complimentary, just as I would be if she had done it.   Somethings wrong with her. At one point , to my mother and father and brother,I kept saying this and saying this and no one believes me, or they just dont want to get involved.  

       

I am glad you were able to have a good conversation with your mother. Today is Thursday and I'm very interested in hearing about how your meeting with your mom and sis went.

Well, Ive got to hand it to mother for seeing this through. I wasnt sure she would but she did which really impressed me.  She said we are going to have a meeting once a month and the first one was last Thursday as you know. She had a pen and paper and was ready to take notes and everything. At first I was scared. I didnt know how to bring up the subject smoothly. I couldnt get my mouth to open, but finally I just calmly stated my concerns and tried very hard not to become emotional and stay in the same steady tone. I meantioned my concerns as to what will happen after my Aunt  passes in reference to the deed and that I would like to be on it, and from there it went on as to why I would like to be on and from there I spoke up about wanting to board a couple horses there is the future etc.etc. Basically everything that was said to my mother was said to my sister. I made it clear that if she didnt want to put me on the deed, I'd understand but that would mean I would have to go find my own place.

      Oh,  Im telling you,  that didnt go over well with her at all. She was mean.  I mentioned that I understood that she was on the will and said one of the reasons I was asking about the deed was because I remembered her telling me I would be on the deed too about a year and a half ago.  Well, her react to this was so dispictable, like No, your WRONG!  that never happen! Like i was being just so absurd for saying such a thing.   (it did happen) I didnt argue with her, I just continued on.

             My mother did a really good job dealing with my sister over this because she was being awful. I finally said, Can you understand why I would feel this way? This was in reference to me investing a lot of my own money in the place and how that could be risky for me if I dont have part ownership? and how I would like us all to be a team working together as equals and how I dont as an equal with her having complete ownership. You know, something like that, I said,  Then I said can't you put your self in my shoes and understand why I feel this way?  ANd she said, NO.

                 Ya.  it was like that. The whole time my mother would interject something helpful and reasonable, which I think I would have just shrunk under the table if she hadnt.  When it got to the horse talk, my sister got all self rightous about the State Farm insurance on the place and insisted that no one is to ride horses on this property ever,  except if they live here and that was FIXED! Cant Change... . wont change...  She's insane! They can change policies all the time, there are other legal things that can be used for what I want to do but she didnt want to listen. So continued on anyways with what I knew about it and assured her there are other ways.

                 Finally, the conversation got interupted by my Aunt getting out of bed so we had to get up from the table and as this happened my sister started acusing my mom of her and I ganging up on her,  which caused my mouth to open because she and my sister have been doing this to ME! all my life, and here we are one time ,my mother was agreeing with some of my points and supporting my feelings and all of a sudden we are ganging up on HER!  I was apalled! I figured this must be her deepest fear and why she has been doing this to me with my mother since I can remember. We certainly werent ganging up on her,  hardly... .but maybe its karma finally coming back her way that she felt that way., maybe deserved it.

                 Then she got all paraniod that we were talking behind her back. My mom gave me a thumbs up ,meaning a job well done. and said something to me about my aunt and my sister freaked out , now youre talking behind my bacK!   So that was end of the meeting for that night.  I got my chips out on the table. Telling her that I might have to leave is what I had to do.  She needs me there if she wants to keep that place, oh sure maybe she could find some one to help with the animals, but where is the revenue going to come from for the property taxes and maitenance etc etc.  The tooth fairy.   Really at this point,  if I find another place to live,  Im not going care how she keep this property. Its her problem.      

                                   

She cant make it here with out my help, she know this,  but if it turns out she gives me trouble double talk over this idea,  then fine,  Im ready to accept that ,ok,   Im going to go and find my own place to live.  I dont know if you could call this a boundary?   or my terms,  it feels like a boundary of what I will accept and what I wont accept.   And I think it's fair.          

I would call this facing reality as it really is. You could haven chosen not to address this issue and ignore the fact that it's really important to you. But instead you've chosen to be pro-active and tackle this head on

                                 So I am making progress.   A little bit everyday, some progress more significant then others, but it's progress just the same.  (  :  

No matter how small all large the steps, each step counts!

[goingtostopthis]

Hi GTS, 

I’m glad you’re feeling better about the situation.  I think your therapist gave you good advice that will serve you well.  It has to feel good to have had a positive conversation with your mom, which hasn't happened in some time.   

It sounds like you really want to inherit a third of the farm.  Have you thought about whether or not you want the things that would come along with that inheritance?  You’d be working with mom and sis indefinitely.  The success of your efforts and investments would hinge on their actions.  Do you see your relationship with them improving after your aunt passes?

Your sister may need help running the farm, but that help doesn’t have to come from you. 

Edgewood, 


                     You made some really good points. I have to admit that a part of me is really sad that my sister doesnt want to include on the deed. Assuming that she doesnt, she didnt say yes or no at our meeting. She just got all hyper and defensive like someone was holding a knife up to her throat while I was only being matter of fact about it. I wasnt angry. I was nice and a little shaky actually.  Im thinking maybe because I said I would find my own place if

she decided against it.   I have no idea if that makes any difference to her at all.  I know that this makes a huge difference to my mother because she wants me here more then anything. So laying down my terms to my sister is concerning me that this might cause some conflict between them. This shouldn't be my problem should it?

                    +Ive been having such a hard time understanding why my sister is being so difficult,  or why she wouldnt even want this place for that matter.  She has no interest in living here. She just shows up twice a day to feed these two rescue dogs she keeps in the kitchen and then watches tv for about an hour and then leaves. I do most of the chores here, many times she wont lift a finger to take the garbage out even if doing so is on her way out. 

                    Maybe Im being nieve.  I dont know what she hopes to gain having this place all to herself if she's not even going to live here. She wont sell it. ever! I cleared that question up Thursday night. It mind boggles me.  She's a minister too. The only thing I could come up with is that having this place must give her a really big sense of self importance.  And to tell you honestly I dont want her exersizing that on me. And then I ask,  How can a place that is "given" to you give you a big sense of self importance?  She didnt buy this place with the sweat of her brow. Its a gift, and why not share with your love ones?  Im afraid this place and my Aunts church(which she has taken over) is the only thing that makes her feel important. 

                   Anyways, very good question.  What if I get on the deed? What then?  Is this what I really want? to have to be around her all the time. They say people dont change,  but she "has" changed and I need to be real that she may never change back again. So here I go all ways having problems with her for the rest of my life. Do I want this? Can I handle this? The thing that is so pathedic to me is,  what's it to her to allow me to have the barn with a couple of boarders to ride with and have extra income from.  What's this to her to allow me to have this kind of joy that Ive all ways wanted in my life, to be happy.  She could care less about that barn or fields a joining them. What is the real underlining issue going on with her?  Is she jealous of me and doesnt want me to have what she cant. Maybe  a life?     Is she getting a pay off by holding this over me?   I think that's pretty sick if you want to know what I think.

                    Alot of this depends on me getting a good job, exstablishing good boundaries , working on my communication skills, being assertive in a peaceful manner, looking out for me basically and doing what is best for me and I have to say that the idea of finding a new place is looking quite delightful in the corner of my eye. Im giving this about year .     

[goingtostopthis]

  I dont expect anyone to answer this but I have to voice how Ive been feeling lately.

                                              I cant get it out of my mind, one of the things my sister said to me. When I mentioned wanting to be on the deed as well after my Aunt passes,  she said something to thee effect of, "Well,  I didnt think you wanted to be apart of this place? " 

                                       I cant for the the life of me figure out why she said that. How could she not think I didnt want to be apart of this place. I left everything I worked for, my house, a good job, it took me 6 months to pack everything to move across country with my cats and horses. Ever since Ive been here Ive been helping her out with this place doing tons of things. The list goes on and on.  I just dont get it.   Why would she say that? Im living in the house, taking care of my Aunts cats and horses, paying my own bills now. I cleaned out the garage, painted the laundry room, cleaned out the lower barn, clean up and re did the tack room in the other barn, fixed the siding on the old barn. Like I said,  it goes on and on.  This is making me crazy.  Why would she say that?  She's known all along I'd be training and working with my horses here, which I have!

                                       Is this her way of trying to dis validate my existence even more? Or was she trying to provoke me into getting mad,  which I didnt. I just sat there and looked at her. Do you think she was just trying to play dumb so she wouldnt have to be responsible for being a messed up betch?  Is she retarded? 

                                     I know I shouldnt care, but this really disturbed me.  That and not wanting to put her self in my shoes. Am I making too much of this or is she as awful as her comments feel?  "I didnt know you wanted to be a part of this place... "  Is she kidding me?    Is this emotional manipulation.  I need feed back o this.   Thanks

[Harri]

Hi GTST! 

I am glad you have ben posting and writing about your feelings.  Your situation is not easy and is frustrating so please keep talking things out here.  I am going to give you some feedback that you are free to leave if you feel it does not fit as you know yourself best.  Please realize that while my words are direct and a bit blunt, I am writing from a place of concern for you.

GTST, you keep trying to make sense of 'crazy', looking for rational thought and logic.  Please stop.  All you are doing is going around and around the same basic issues.  Yes, the specific words or circumstances of this particular round may be different but the common theme in almost every post is you looking for logic and reason in your sisters words and actions.  She does not make sense.  BPD behaviors or not, she does not make sense. 

I cant for the the life of me figure out why she said that. How could she not think I didnt want to be apart of this place. I left everything I worked for, my house, a good job, it took me 6 months to pack everything to move across country with my cats and horses. Ever since Ive been here Ive been helping her out with this place doing tons of things. The list goes on and on.  I just dont get it.   Why would she say that? Im living in the house, taking care of my Aunts cats and horses, paying my own bills now. I cleaned out the garage, painted the laundry room, cleaned out the lower barn, clean up and re did the tack room in the other barn, fixed the siding on the old barn. Like I said,  it goes on and on.  This is making me crazy.  Why would she say that?  She's known all along I'd be training and working with my horses here, which I have!

Please stop expecting her to be able to look outside of her own self and see you and what you have done on the property.  She *can't* see you or your actions outside of her own self/reality (whatever that may be). 

Is this her way of trying to dis validate my existence even more? Or was she trying to provoke me into getting mad,  which I didnt. I just sat there and looked at her. Do you think she was just trying to play dumb so she wouldnt have to be responsible for being a messed up betch?  Is she retarded?

Your first three questions in this paragraph indicate that you continue to think she is acting with purpose and against you.  Chances are pretty darn high that not one thing she does or says has a damn thing to do with you.  You have been told this before and I am saying it again, very directly in the hopes that you too will be able to see the patterns in your own behaviors and thoughts.  To keep asking why she would do this *to you* keeps you stuck in an endless round of victimization.  In a sense, you are the one doing this to yourself.  You know your sister is not reasonable, able to engage in rational thought and reason and yet you continue to expect her to do so.  Why?  What are you getting out of this thought process?  My thought is that there has to be some payoff for you to continue to put yourself through this torture of trying to apply reason and logic to a situation and a person who has none, at least not concerning the property or you.

I mean no harm and like i said above I say this out of concern for you.  I see you trying so hard and getting so upset time and again.  It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that you are getting some kind of payoff for continuing in the same pattern.  What is keeping you stuck here?  Yes, you have made progress and it has been wonderful to watch.  I think if you could work this through here to see the patterns of your own behaviors and thoughts, that you might be able to save yourself a lot of grief.  what do you think?

[goingtostopthis]

Hi GTST! 

I am glad you have ben posting and writing about your feelings.  Your situation is not easy and is frustrating so please keep talking things out here.  I am going to give you some feedback that you are free to leave if you feel it does not fit as you know yourself best.  Please realize that while my words are direct and a bit blunt, I am writing from a place of concern for you.

GTST, you keep trying to make sense of 'crazy', looking for rational thought and logic.  Please stop.  All you are doing is going around and around the same basic issues.  Yes, the specific words or circumstances of this particular round may be different but the common theme in almost every post is you looking for logic and reason in your sisters words and actions.  She does not make sense.  BPD behaviors or not, she does not make sense. 

I cant for the the life of me figure out why she said that. How could she not think I didnt want to be apart of this place. I left everything I worked for, my house, a good job, it took me 6 months to pack everything to move across country with my cats and horses. Ever since Ive been here Ive been helping her out with this place doing tons of things. The list goes on and on.  I just dont get it.   Why would she say that? Im living in the house, taking care of my Aunts cats and horses, paying my own bills now. I cleaned out the garage, painted the laundry room, cleaned out the lower barn, clean up and re did the tack room in the other barn, fixed the siding on the old barn. Like I said,  it goes on and on.  This is making me crazy.  Why would she say that?  She's known all along I'd be training and working with my horses here, which I have!

Please stop expecting her to be able to look outside of her own self and see you and what you have done on the property.  She *can't* see you or your actions outside of her own self/reality (whatever that may be). 

Is this her way of trying to dis validate my existence even more? Or was she trying to provoke me into getting mad,  which I didnt. I just sat there and looked at her. Do you think she was just trying to play dumb so she wouldnt have to be responsible for being a messed up betch?  Is she retarded?

Your first three questions in this paragraph indicate that you continue to think she is acting with purpose and against you.  Chances are pretty darn high that not one thing she does or says has a damn thing to do with you.  You have been told this before and I am saying it again, very directly in the hopes that you too will be able to see the patterns in your own behaviors and thoughts.  To keep asking why she would do this *to you* keeps you stuck in an endless round of victimization.  In a sense, you are the one doing this to yourself.  You know your sister is not reasonable, able to engage in rational thought and reason and yet you continue to expect her to do so.  Why?  What are you getting out of this thought process?  My thought is that there has to be some payoff for you to continue to put yourself through this torture of trying to apply reason and logic to a situation and a person who has none, at least not concerning the property or you.

I mean no harm and like i said above I say this out of concern for you.  I see you trying so hard and getting so upset time and again.  It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that you are getting some kind of payoff for continuing in the same pattern.  What is keeping you stuck here?  Yes, you have made progress and it has been wonderful to watch.  I think if you could work this through here to see the patterns of your own behaviors and thoughts, that you might be able to save yourself a lot of grief.  what do you think?

I dont Harri,

     You post has got me confused. I dont know what pay off I could possibly be getting but if there is something to this I'm going to find out what it is. My therapist thinks she is manipulating me and says the things she does to try to get a reaction out of me. He says she knows my buttons are easy to push and goes for my weakest link all the time. He doesnt think I'm making this up or want to be the victim here.   

          I think having the meeting arranged with her and my mother was far from me playing the victim. Sometimes I cant help but to get shocked by her replies. Its scary to me and lonely sometimes because my mother knows something isnt right with her but is in denial and my brother and father are aware of this too but do nothing.  As long as this isnt happening to them, who cares.  Basically, that's the kind of the additude with them.  I'm all right most of the time with dealing with my sister ,it's just every now and then something will come out of her mouth that tottally floors me. Like this last thing. She's changed,  she never used to be like this, so it's hard to accept and yes there is a part of my brain I guess that is still looking for my old sister. 

                Anyways,  I appreciate your thoughts a lot. Im not mad about it at all. You got me wondering about looking more at myself here.  Ill do anything to not have to feel so awful when I do. Its fear, Im feeling.  Its going to be really really hard for me to get myself back in good financial standing again to leave here and find my own place.  It took me years to own my own place in Oklahoma and if I had known I was being lied to about what my standing here would be, I would have never have left.   

[Harri]

Hi GTST.  I agree 100% that you are not playing the victim here.  I chose my words poorly and for that I am sorry.  I did not mean to confuse the concept of 'playing the victim', which I do not see you doing, and 'victimizing yourself'.  To me there is a difference between the two, however, I should have chosen a different word rather than use the word "victimize".  Again, I do apologize and i never meant to confuse you.  Your situation is difficult enough as it is without misguided 'help' from me. 

I guess a better way to phrase what I wanted to convey is that by asking questions as to why your sister does what she does *to you* that you sort of set the stage to be hurt time and again when her actions, as hurtful and manipulative as they are, are about her.  She does not do these things to signal that you are incompetent, stupid, unworthy, or any other negative thing about *you* that you have asked in your posts.  She does them because of whatever she has internalized.  I have seen a bit of a shift in this as you keep on working on this though and that is wonderful.  When you ask "is she trying to play dumb so she wouldnt have to be responsible for being a messed up betch?  Is she retarded?" those questions have a different and I think healthier focus than the questions that  put the focus on you.  They put the responsibility for her words and actions directly back on her.   

So when i see that sort of thinking coupled with continued efforts to have her words and behaviors follow the general societal rules that depend on logic and reason, it reads to me like a perfect set up to keep you in a loop where you keep getting hurt where you keep wondering about you and what is within you that brings this behavior out in her.  That is what I meant by victimizing yourself... .different from 'playing the victim'.

She is disordered.  Her behaviors will not make sense nor will typical logic and reason apply.

Like I said, that is my read and you know yourself so much better than i do.  I see only a small glimpse of you here so take my words with that in mind.  I could be totally misreading this and lord knows my filters can be a bit screwy.

I do appreciate your willingness to listen and look within.  You have demonstrated that time and again.  Keep posting and talking things through here and we can keep supporting you.  If you think I am off base, just let me know.   

[goingtostopthis]

Now to conclude this on a higher level of consciousness,   I know there is a good reason for me being here. Its just sometimes I feel that I am here with a kind of calling and sometimes it just gets to feel too overwhelming. Its calling out a kind of strength in me I dont think I have, but Im being presented with a big oppurtunity to gain this kind of strength in side myself which I know will serve me in great ways for the rest of my life.

                       Here I have been in this world walking around, bumping into one bad relationship after another with men full of promises they never kept. One led me into marrying him and moving to his farm, telling me all these lies about how financially secure he was, he was broke...   Telling me he only has a drink on the week ends. He drank morning ,noon and night. He told me he was in good health. He died of caner six months into the marriage after emotionally and psyically  abusing me. He gas lit me and terrorized me.  This was the worse, none of the others were quite this bad, but they were all trips I was put on,  much like this story here with my mom and sister. And you know, with this back ground information about myself and relationships,  Im starting to connect some dots. My mother has had the same trouble with bad men in her past as well, very similar to mine. It makes you think.

                       I know that Im here for more then one reason. I knew that eventually in time my mother would be getting older and I made a vow to myself that I did not want to be half way across the country when the time came to take care of her.  It didnt time yet. But its around the corner. We all have to be realistic.  So I hope no body thinks Im here just for my own self reasons. Im here because I love my mother and I want to be here for her.

                   I told my therapist that maybe I need to tune in on what my sisters needs are, or what I speculate they are give her what I think she needs.  Maybe its validation too,  just like me. He didnt seem to understand what I was talking about and didnt see any sense in this.  I dont think I explained it too well and that's why.,I dont know.

+I do know that I have an oppurtuity to really take a look at my family dynamics here, including my own, YES!, and take this as a way of making really good changes in myself.  They may never change, and I know that is so far beyond the point.  I suppose if iM going to get over what they do, Im going to have to get over my self. Champian myself and now what ever happens,  I wont let myself down.  Anytime something happens and something unnesscasy is said I need to work harder at dismissing it and replacing it with something positive and empowering to me.

                          I do feel I can change things here and get my relationship with my sister off the ground in a much more positive note.  Ive noticed when Im really nice to her she opens up and relaxes, so could she possible be nervous and defensive around me too.   I know Im apart of this.  Im not blame , but I realize its still my responsibilty that brought me here.   Im going to work on my resentful feelings that dont seem to go away with my therapist next week. I wish there was a magic pill to make it all go away, but there not.  Just me and my willingness to change this.