Custody Eval

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

We had a pretty intensive child custody evaluation done in 2013 to document PAS.  It didn't change any custody arrangements and we actually see the child less now.  I have just found out that my SO's uBPDxw has been disclosing her "interpretation" (I lied and tried to get the child removed from her) of the custody Eval to the children.  One "child" is 22 and asked me directly about it-I let her know I'm not willing to discuss those things with her as it is a confidential report and requires a court order for disclosure.  The other child is 17 (18 in apr) and I'm sure has been told the same thing.  How do I deal with this?  I sent an email to uBPDxw asking her to speak with me directly if she had any issues or needed clarification yet I just received a barrage of nasty, insulting words.  What do I do? Any suggestions are helpful!

[ShaSha]

We had a pretty intensive child custody evaluation done in 2013 to document PAS.  It didn't change any custody arrangements and we actually see the child less now.  I have just found out that my SO's uBPDxw has been disclosing her "interpretation" (I lied and tried to get the child removed from her) of the custody Eval to the children.  One "child" is 22 and asked me directly about it-I let her know I'm not willing to discuss those things with her as it is a confidential report and requires a court order for disclosure.  The other child is 17 (18 in apr) and I'm sure has been told the same thing.  How do I deal with this?  I sent an email to uBPDxw asking her to speak with me directly if she had any issues or needed clarification yet I just received a barrage of nasty, insulting words.  What do I do? Any suggestions are helpful!

[momtara]

Aren't the children old enough to know the truth? Sounds like you're trying to be the bigger person, which is nice... .you're a better person than I might be.

[livednlearned]

Hi ShaSha,

I think it's about trust, but not like we often think of it. That means the response will be different depending on a lot of variables, mostly to do with how trustworthy we are. That's easy for us to define, the "non" BPD parent. We are certain that our kids can trust us. But it's really hard for them to figure out if we can be trusted - they have a BPD parent who has really messed that up, often because that parent cannot validate who they are or how they feel. If we go anywhere near that kind of behavior - being invalidating, we're not really helping the problem.

It helps if the kids open a window. I also think it matters what kind of relationship was there between the child and the parent. Most important, though, at least in my mind, is whether you feel able to focus on how she feels instead of defending yourself. Whenever I slipped into defense mode, I saw a steel door slam shut in my son's eyes. Kids with BPD parents are probably expert in detecting authenticity, even if they don't know it.

[PinkieV]

We shared the GAL report with SS18 so he would be prepared when his uBPDm read it.  Let's just say, it wasn't favorable to her.  We felt he was old enough, and had been through enough, to know what everyone said.  He was there for most of it!

SS14 has never asked, but he's got a different personality altogether.  He will make statements at counseling every once in awhile, and we address them immediately.  Who knows - BM may have shared the report with him.  But he too was there for most of it, and while he's still more enmeshed with her, he knows the truth of the situation.

[ForeverDad]

I wonder whether you're taking the well-intentioned but not optimal 'high road' as noted below.  That silence may not be the best approach for you.  A reason to have a conversation at some level is to provide Validation.  They've already heard a distorted and inaccurate version from the other parent, so the confidentiality is already broken.  They're looking for some sort of validation, aren't they?  As I see it, there is nothing wrong, especially since they are either adults or nearly so, with saying something like, "I'll help as much as I can.  The report was sealed at the court as confidential but I can at least tell you whether what you were told is true, isn't true or is improperly distorted.  I believe I owe you that much even while respecting the overall confidentiality of the report.  So what are your questions? ... ."

I would love to be more proactive. I would love to file several motions for contempt against her. My husband, however, is not nearly as bitter/b___y/indignant/whatever as I am. He wants to take the high road so his daughter doesn't see him as a bad person.

Sometimes taking the high road is just another way of being passive. If the issue is something significant, and if it stands to benefit his daughter, then it is important to look that truth straight in the eye. It isn't about being bitter/b___y/indignant, in my opinion.

An excellent book you should get is Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  On the very first page, in his introduction, he explains that "taking the high road" is ineffective, counterproductive and often enables the misbehaving person.

Divorce Poison,  starting with page 1, paragraph 1... .    (emphasis added)

Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to the children, often or constantly portraying you in a negative light, perhaps even trying to turn the children against you.  What should you do? ... . 

The conventional advice is to do nothing.  Psychologists caution parents to avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the children... .    After years of consulting on cases where parents had heeded advice to be passive and had no success, I am convinced that the standard approach is wrong.  It does not work.  Often it makes things worse.  As relationships with their children progressively deteriorate, parents usually try desperately to reason with them.  Such efforts inevitably meet with failure and leave parents feeling helpless and hopeless.

This book explains why the common approaches are impotent, why doing nothing will accomplish nothing, and why relying primarily on reasoning is an unreasonable approach to the problem.  It offers a blueprint for an effective response grounded in a solid understanding of the techniques and dynamics of parents who poison their children's relationships with loved ones.

After reading this book you will be able to distinguish different types of criticism, ranging from occasional mild bad-mouthing to severe and systematic brainwashing.  You will know why and how parents manipulate their children.  You will know how to detect subtle psychological maneuvers in various guises.  You will learn how these practices - even those that seem innocuous - damage children.  And you will discover powerful strategies to preserve or rebuild loving relationships with your children... . 

Divorce Poison was written primarily on behalf of children... .    The failure of their parents' marriage is a chilling lesson that we cannot always count on love.  At such a vulnerable time in their lives, children especially need and deserve as much love as they can get.  Those who close off avenues of love and support detour children from their pursuit of emotional security.  And when they manipulate children into erecting the barriers themselves, when they enlist them as agents in their own deprivation, they violate their children's trust in a most cruel manner.  It is a form of kidnapping; stealing the soul.

I wrote this book to help lost souls find their way back to the hearts that await them.  I wish them a successful journey.

Another thought is that you don't have to explain every little thing... .

However, this is not to dismiss the court's concern for the confidentiality of the report.  My lawyer told me what had happened years before, that a father had gotten a good custody evaluation and he went out, made copies and put them on every car in the neighborhood.  You can imagine how the court reacted.  Needless to say, the court told the lawyers to keep much tighter control of certain confidential reports.

[ShaSha]

Thank you all for your ideas and I can see it from a different perspective now re:validation!  We've read Divorce Poison which is why my SO closed the custody case last year.  The 17 yr old lives with mom & is very enmeshed.  The 22yr old is starting to get it which is why she trusted enough to ask.  I take confidentiality very seriously as I work in mental health but I think the validation is extremely important especially for our sweet 22 yr old.  We have gotten really close the last year and uBPDex is not pleased and works hard to destroy, interfere, guilt, and manipulate her.  I gave d this website months ago & she has started looking into it more.  I just have so much love for these girls and want to see them happy & healthy.  Thank you for the insight and alternative perspective!

[livednlearned]

One thing I also do when it comes to validating -- ask your SD22 questions. ":)o you believe that to be true?" "Why do you think bio mom would share that with you?" ":)o you think biomom is afraid? What do you think she might be afraid of?"

Honestly, I found validation to be really hard when I was caught off guard. I learned to ask questions -- it's actually what I really wanted to know, but old habits made me feel like I had to defend myself (living with N/BPDx). Asking questions, ":)o you believe that?" "How did you feel when your mom did that?" may help your SD22 figure out what she's feeling, which is probably pretty confused.

I'm sorry SD16 is so enmeshed. That's tough. Although often it's because the kids feel safer alienating the parent they know is stable. If they defy the unstable parent, they stand to lose the relationship, and they may not have a strong enough sense of self to tolerate that. My SO's D17 is like that with her mom, and the hairs on my arm stand up when I'm around her. She feels very fragile and while I don't exactly walk on egg shells around her, it's definitely a close cousin to that feeling.