summer vacation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

summer vacation is coming up and I get 2 non consecutive weeks. the longest ive had my 2 yr old daughter is 3 days, my daughter is never ready to go home when I have her but im not sure if 7 days is to long away from her mom because of breast feeding and not being away from her mom for that long before. she pumps breast milk so milk wont be a issue but the act of breastfeeding is what im wondering about.

as much as I want to keep my daughter the whole week I don't want to cause her any grief, im thinking of just watching how she does after 3 days and if she needs to go back I could take her to her mom for a day and then get her again after that for the rest of the week.

Im going to talk to my ex about this but I know she will jump at the chance to take days away from me.

thoughts and ideas are appreciated

[Eco]

summer vacation is coming up and I get 2 non consecutive weeks. the longest ive had my 2 yr old daughter is 3 days, my daughter is never ready to go home when I have her but im not sure if 7 days is to long away from her mom because of breast feeding and not being away from her mom for that long before. she pumps breast milk so milk wont be a issue but the act of breastfeeding is what im wondering about.

as much as I want to keep my daughter the whole week I don't want to cause her any grief, im thinking of just watching how she does after 3 days and if she needs to go back I could take her to her mom for a day and then get her again after that for the rest of the week.

Im going to talk to my ex about this but I know she will jump at the chance to take days away from me.

thoughts and ideas are appreciated

[rarsweet]

I think that is incredibly considerate of you, I actually had to read your post twice to make sure I read it right. I think your daughter is very lucky to have you.

[Turkish]

I understand that you are concerned for your daughter's emotional well-being. Can you remind me again of your custody schedule?

2 is old enough to be weaned from breast milk. You daughter has been eating solid foods for a while, no? You might be right that your daughter is attached to the act, which is what I am thinking is your biggest concern.

I would take this opportunity to be with your daughter the whole time. She may or may not get frustrated, it's hard to say. Try to validate that if it happens, but take advantage of these 7 day opportunities. Kids act out, at any age. D2 (3 in 5 weeks) recently started whining for Mommy at night. I do what I can to validate her, but she feels what she feels. I'm not going to call her mom (though if she explicitely asks I would). She misses Mommy, and that's ok. I let her now that's ok, but when she's with me, she's with me. D2 whined this morning. I told her Mommy was gong to pick her up tonight. It was the truth, and all I could do.

[Swiggle]

Your daughter is very lucky that you are considering her feelings/wants/needs above your own. I'm am speaking from a breastfeeding mom's perspective. Although you my kids are 11 and 7 I breastfed both of them and pumped for both for almost a year.

From everything I've read, researched about BPD one of the things that can be an issue with kids and a disordered parent is enmeshment. Now while I have no issues whatsoever with a mom who chooses extended breastfeeding I wonder if in the case of your daughter if it is more about mom wanting to stay in a position of being needed/wanted by your daughter vs. thinking she is doing the absolute best thing for your daughter? That being said if I were in your situation I think I would use the full 7 days to have an awesome time with your daughter. Don't think of it as breaking this bond/need she has with her mom but creating one with you.

You may find that it is tough for your daughter to be away from mom, that could be the case even if she wasn't breastfeeding. Use this opportunity to validate your daughter and start helping her learn healthy ways to cope with things like this. Of course we don't want to see our kids suffer and I know I've been to blame for making an uncomfortable situation go away rather then help them face it head on. 2 isn't to young to learn these skills, in fact I think that it is a perfect time for them start learning these things. You sound like a very caring father and be confident in yourself and the way you can soothe your daughter during these hard times. Just because you don't have boobs with milk, doesn't mean you aren't capable of being there for her like her mom would be  . Instead of thinking about it in terms of causing your daughter pain by being away from mom, think about it in terms of teaching her there are other strategies to soothe. Like Turkish said, at this stage of your daughters life, breastmilk ins't something that she needs, if I had to make an assumption the breastfeeding may be more about/for mom than it is for your daughter.

I think you will do a great job in the 7 days, enjoy that time with her.

[Eco]

I think that is incredibly considerate of you, I actually had to read your post twice to make sure I read it right. I think your daughter is very lucky to have you.

thank you

[Eco]

I understand that you are concerned for your daughter's emotional well-being. Can you remind me again of your custody schedule?

every Thursday for 2 hrs and every other weekend fri at 6pm to sun 6pm

I would take this opportunity to be with your daughter the whole time. She may or may not get frustrated, it's hard to say. Try to validate that if it happens, but take advantage of these 7 day opportunities. Kids act out, at any age. D2 (3 in 5 weeks) recently started whining for Mommy at night. I do what I can to validate her, but she feels what she feels. I'm not going to call her mom (though if she explicitely asks I would). She misses Mommy, and that's ok. I let her now that's ok, but when she's with me, she's with me. D2 whined this morning. I told her Mommy was gong to pick her up tonight. It was the truth, and all I could do

she doesn't ever ask to leave when I have her or acts distressed its usually the other way around she never wants to go when its time and she seems upset when I get her in the car on the way home

[Eco]

Your daughter is very lucky that you are considering her feelings/wants/needs above your own. I'm am speaking from a breastfeeding mom's perspective. Although you my kids are 11 and 7 I breastfed both of them and pumped for both for almost a year.

thank you, I spoke with my ex today about it and her words are what I expected, this is what she said  " you wont know if shes distressed or not and probably wouldn't bring her back anyway" 

From everything I've read, researched about BPD one of the things that can be an issue with kids and a disordered parent is enmeshment. Now while I have no issues whatsoever with a mom who chooses extended breastfeeding I wonder if in the case of your daughter if it is more about mom wanting to stay in a position of being needed/wanted by your daughter vs. thinking she is doing the absolute best thing for your daughter? That being said if I were in your situation I think I would use the full 7 days to have an awesome time with your daughter. Don't think of it as breaking this bond/need she has with her mom but creating one with you.

she is totally enmeshed, its also a position of power and control as well

I think you will do a great job in the 7 days, enjoy that time with her.

thank you, I will do my best

[Sunfl0wer]

she doesn't ever ask to leave when I have her or acts distressed its usually the other way around she never wants to go when its time and she seems upset when I get her in the car on the way home

I am not exactly certain that I understand your concern.  It sounds like your daughter will be fine.

A two year old is able to get full nutrition from foods, therefore, nursing at this age is not about nutrition.  It is about soothing and comfort.

Your daughter has been with you for three days at a time.  You say that she appears to adjust well until it is time to part, naturally.  Infants are able to learn self soothing as early as 3-6 months of age.  From your info, it sounds as if your daughter is healthy and adjusted in this manner, or at least feels equally comforted in your presence.

Persons with BPD, on the other hand, have great difficulty with self soothing.  I am more concerned that your ex will have difficulty adjusting and will miss the comfort that breast feeding gives her.  I am concerned that after a week of not nursing and being ok with you, that your daughter may return to mom with no more interest in nursing as she may not feel the need for it any longer.  Your ex may blame you that her daughter has returned back to her a weaned child.

I am not suggesting that your decision revolve around your ex's wishes or you decide from a position of fearful anticipation.  Not at all!

I think that ensuring your daughter a healthy separation from mom from time to time may be an ongoing issue and what I am hearing from you is that your daughter is off to very a good start.

[martillo]

Eco:  I can't say what is the right thing for you in your situation, but I will echo what others have said.  After about 12 months, you aren't breast feeding an infant - you are breast comforting a toddler.  I breast comforted all my kiddos (4) to at least 18 months then I made the decision to wean.  They weren't thrilled for about 2-3 days and then it was like my breasts had never existed!  I think I was sadder than them!  And guess what?  They didn't lose an ounce and they remained the same happy kiddos w everyone else while going through the process!

And the process of extending time gradually is so that your little one can slowly adjust to more time w you.  I agree w the response that you will be improving your relationship w her - not damaging her mom's relationship.