Tired and scared

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 32 years old and know my mother has BPD. The description fits her to a "t". She has emotionally and psychologically abused me for years. She has physically abused me as well but not as often. I suffered for so many years because of her abuse. I have sacrificed myself to spare my little siblings her abuse. They are 12 and 15 years younger than me and I love them as if they are my own children. They are what complicates everything for me. They are 17 and 20 now but she still controls them. She does so through fear and intimidation and they are dependent on her still. My choices to set limits directly impact them. I am married, have a toddler, and another baby on the way. I made a promise to myself before getting pregnant the first time that I would make choices to put my child's health and needs above anyone else's and it was my responsibility to do so because I made a choice to bring them into this world. I have done a fairly good job of this but it has been easy because my mom and siblings moved out of the country. The physical distance has made limit setting so much easier.

I miss my siblings terribly and I know they wish they could be with me. My siblings are hurting because they are missing out on my daughters life. Watching her grow, giving her love. They both have such beautiful hearts and are so very special to me.

Now my mom wants to come back for the summer with my siblings but the last time I let her stay with me, it drained me to the core. I gave her everything and it was not enough. Her needs are always more important than mine. She is reactive, hostile, unpredictable and toxic in my environment. I know I can't have her stay with me again but I also know she has nowhere else to go and if I don't allow her to stay, she will either not allow my siblings to come which will devastate me and them, or I will be at the mercy of her unpredictability and rash decision making. I am afraid of her and what she might do. I have always given in, in the past because at least I can control the situation if I agree. When I dont, I just don't know what she will do it scares me.

I am afraid of her using my siblings to hurt me and vice versa, and I am afraid of what she will do.

I also know in my heart it is not healthy for my family to allow her to stay with me.

Sometimes I wish she was not in this world anymore so she could be out of her own misery, and my siblings and I could be free of her clasp.

I have been communicating by email with her and let her know she cannot stay with me. She is using all her usual manipulative tactics and laying a guilt trip on me. I am afraid I will give up on my limit.  I often do. I want to just take the easy way out and say yes to her coming but it causes me so much stress and anxiety. But saying no causes me nearly as much. My heart is ripping apart thinking about how this will impact my siblings.

[Mysoul4hertokeep]

I'm 32 years old and know my mother has BPD. The description fits her to a "t". She has emotionally and psychologically abused me for years. She has physically abused me as well but not as often. I suffered for so many years because of her abuse. I have sacrificed myself to spare my little siblings her abuse. They are 12 and 15 years younger than me and I love them as if they are my own children. They are what complicates everything for me. They are 17 and 20 now but she still controls them. She does so through fear and intimidation and they are dependent on her still. My choices to set limits directly impact them. I am married, have a toddler, and another baby on the way. I made a promise to myself before getting pregnant the first time that I would make choices to put my child's health and needs above anyone else's and it was my responsibility to do so because I made a choice to bring them into this world. I have done a fairly good job of this but it has been easy because my mom and siblings moved out of the country. The physical distance has made limit setting so much easier.

I miss my siblings terribly and I know they wish they could be with me. My siblings are hurting because they are missing out on my daughters life. Watching her grow, giving her love. They both have such beautiful hearts and are so very special to me.

Now my mom wants to come back for the summer with my siblings but the last time I let her stay with me, it drained me to the core. I gave her everything and it was not enough. Her needs are always more important than mine. She is reactive, hostile, unpredictable and toxic in my environment. I know I can't have her stay with me again but I also know she has nowhere else to go and if I don't allow her to stay, she will either not allow my siblings to come which will devastate me and them, or I will be at the mercy of her unpredictability and rash decision making. I am afraid of her and what she might do. I have always given in, in the past because at least I can control the situation if I agree. When I dont, I just don't know what she will do it scares me.

I am afraid of her using my siblings to hurt me and vice versa, and I am afraid of what she will do.

I also know in my heart it is not healthy for my family to allow her to stay with me.

Sometimes I wish she was not in this world anymore so she could be out of her own misery, and my siblings and I could be free of her clasp.

I have been communicating by email with her and let her know she cannot stay with me. She is using all her usual manipulative tactics and laying a guilt trip on me. I am afraid I will give up on my limit.  I often do. I want to just take the easy way out and say yes to her coming but it causes me so much stress and anxiety. But saying no causes me nearly as much. My heart is ripping apart thinking about how this will impact my siblings.

[Kwamina]

Hi Mysoul4hertokeep

Welcome to bpdfamily  I have an undiagnosed mother with BPD myself so I can relate to your story, particularly the emotions and anxiety you describe. Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD or perhaps some other disorder? Has she ever gotten any form of treatment or therapy for her issues?

I think you might benefit from reading an article we have on here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Here's an excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your mother uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to control, 'manipulate' and/or intimidate you and your siblings? You can read the entire article here: Fear, Obligation And Guilt

Whether you decide to let your mother stay with you or not, I'd say setting and enforcing firm boundaries is always very important when dealing with someone who has BPD. Boundaries are about protecting your own well-being. Regardless of whether the other person changes or not, by setting and enforcing boundaries you will change the dynamics of the relationship you have with someone. It might help for you to take a look at some information we have on here about boundaries:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

I have already given you several links, but since you also specifically mention the problems you are having right now communicating with her, I also recommend you take a look at the various communications skills described on this website. We have for instance information about validation and tips to help you end the cycle of conflict. There are also communications techniques specifically developed for dealing with some with BPD. The so-called S.E.T. technique can help you express your truth to your mother in a way that minimizes the chance of (further) conflict and maximizes the chance of getting through to her. The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique, can help you assert yourself. Here are links to both techniques:

S.E.T.: Support, Empathy and Truth

D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindfully (keep your focus), Appear (confident) and Negotiate

Take care and I hope you’ll find these resources helpful  

[Mysoul4hertokeep]

Thanks for your response Kwamina.

My mother has not been diagnosed but I am in the mental health field and feel quite confident she suffers from BPD.  She also suffers from an array of other mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, OCD, and even others.

She refuses to see anyone, I have tried for years, will not take medication for any reason, and I have never told her my suspicion of her having BPD.  I guess I am scared of her reaction.

I was just reading my book "the essential family guide to BPD" and had read about FOG, it definitely applies to me.  I will read your other articles, thank you for sharing them with me.

My biggest dilemma is that my boundaries and limits end up hurting my siblings. It just rips my heart apart because I love them so much and feel guilty making choices for my life that will affect them negatively.  I have always sacrificed my well being for them but now that i have my own children I feel like I need to put myself first so I can be a good mom to them, but then my siblings suffer and I love them like they are my children.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Suzn]

Welcome Mysoul4hertokeep

I'm sorry you're feeling so stressed over your having to make this difficult decision.   

I have never told her my suspicion of her having BPD.  I guess I am scared of her reaction.

Telling someone about suspicions of them having BPD rarely ever goes well so it's good you've not shared them. This would likely be turned around on you, you being accused of not being well.

I completely understand your concerns for your siblings, I have one myself that I worry about. Have you heard the phrase "you have to put the oxygen mask on you first" in order to be able to help anyone else? It's very true in these situations. You say you have a baby on the way, congratulations! Your stress level remaining low is important right now and I think you are wise to consider the health of your immediate family first. When are you due?

Your siblings have made it this far and setting an example for them may be something to consider as well. They may not understand right now but they may in the future. I understand feeling guilty, it's so hard not to. Your mother's visit and accommodations while visiting are her responsibility if she is planning to travel. She is responsible for making her own inquiries around this. If she can't afford it then maybe it's just not a good time for her. It's not sounding like it's a good time for you.

So glad you found us, I hope you keep coming back. We're here to help.     

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Mysoul4hertokeep

First may I say how much I admire your courage in recognising that your mother's behaviour has so much impact on you and your family and working to set limits to contain the fallout to yourself as well as your family.

Like you I have a little sister - I say little - she is about your age. She is 12 years younger than me and like you, I was much more her mother than her mother was. i think that situation can cause us to have  a very different relationship with them than either sister or mother - more something of both. As a result we can feel more responsible for them and attached to them in a different way than if we had one or the other.

Do you think that now you are a mother to the children in your own family it may be resurfacing some of the same feelings you had when you mothered your siblings?

It is a common dynamic for a BPDm to cause dissension through her children's r/ships with each other but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less, does it? In any case it would be realistic to view it in one way which is that, although you were their mother in a very real way, she really is their biological mother and short of a court order or a custody battle will remain that way until they attain their majority. Of course that doesn't mean you don't keep from working towards and having an optimistic view of the rship you will be able to have after they are no longer under her guardianship. It just means recognising that ther eis a limited amount you can do with their situation at this time.

Besides, hopefully they will be able to benefit from your longer experience and better view of your mother's issues.

This in itself can be quite painful to accept.

Is there any kind of intermediate way of seeing your siblings? perhaps meeting somewhere where you could be accommodated nearby and see them without having to actually live with your mother for that time?

Ziggiddy

[Kwamina]

Hi again Mysoul4hertokeep

You've already gotten some great advice from Suzn and Ziggiddy.

My biggest dilemma is that my boundaries and limits end up hurting my siblings. It just rips my heart apart because I love them so much and feel guilty making choices for my life that will affect them negatively.  I have always sacrificed my well being for them but now that i have my own children I feel like I need to put myself first so I can be a good mom to them, but then my siblings suffer and I love them like they are my children.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

I want to share something with you from my own experiences growing up with an undiagnosed BPD mother. I have two sisters, both way older then me. One of them was treated as the all-bad child by my mother, while the other was supposedly the 'all-good child'. I had a great bond with the 'all-bad sister', she was like my second mother or you could say my real mother. She was in fact my only 'normal' family-member but she was treated horribly by my uBPD mom and uBPD oldest sis. This caused my sister to move out when she was only 18 years old. After she left, life did became harder for me because my 'buffer' or 'protector' was no longer there and I became the new target. However, as young as I was, I was already very much aware how poorly this sister was treated and looking back I totally understand and support her decision. In fact, when I was 10 years old I myself was already thinking that I didn't want to live with my family of origin anymore. To this day this supposedly 'all-bad sister' of mine is still my most normal family-member with whom I have the best bond by far.

What I'm trying to say is, your siblings are 17 and 20 now and I think they will be able to understand any decisions you make to protect yourself from your mother's negativity. It may be confusing at first or cause tension, but given time I believe they will definitely understand. Especially when they've been able to move out themselves. You setting the example of what healthy boundaries look like, might seem like hurting them, but in the long run might just be one of the things that helps them get through.

Boundaries are primarily aimed at protecting your own emotional, mental and physical well-being. And once you take good care of yourself, you'll also be better able to take good care of others. You have a toddler and a baby on the way (congratulations!) and in my opinion this is a very important time for you to be very mindful of your own well-being and put your well-being and that of your children first.