Telling other people

[Shell Shocked]

Hi again!  

I was chatting with my husband and he said "I think we need to start being more direct with family and friends about what is happening with uBPD16"  She spent a week with his brother and his family (they have kids similar ages) and they were pretty clear in telling him that he was too strict and we need to spend more time with her, etc... .We have also been sort of out of the loop with his family.  They can be very judgmental and they are angry that we don't go visit often, invite them here, or send gifts for all the holidays.  (that is a whole other thing... .)  Hubby is from a big family and I think he is really missing being a part of it.  I get it, I do.  But right now with everything going on with uBPD16, him traveling for work all the time, and caring for my other young children, I just don't have any energy to give to people that are mad at me because I am not doing enough to reach out to them.  They have no idea what we have been dealing with the past few years and they wouldn't get it even if we tried to explain (case in point... .well meaning older brother that thinks we are just dealing with normal teen behaviors and too strict)

Anyway, I disagreed with him and told him that I wanted him to evaluate his motivation for doing that carefully.  :)oes he have our daughter's best interest at heart?  Or does he just want to prove he isn't a "bad" Dad and show his brother that he is "right."  Or try and get the family to like us again because even though we are not "trying enough for them" we have this big issue going on.  I don't think it is right to tell people that she has these issues when she doesn't even know she has them.  She sees the psychiatrist on Monday and we will see how it goes.  We are in for a long road and I don't want to begrudge him family support, but I think we need to be sensitive to her as well.  I don't want to rush to tell everyone something that will be somewhat of a stigma for her when she hasn't even seen the psychiatrist!  She thinks we are the source of all her problems and I am sure she is not going to jump right on board with the fact that she has a mental illness.  

I think he may end up feeling that it is unfair of me because I talk to my family about it.  The big difference there is that my stepfather was bipolar and my half brother is as well.  My sister suffers from depression.  They all "get" it and they don't judge her.  They all want to help.  Maybe it is unfair of me, but after being married into this family for 13 years I am pretty confident that they are not going to be quite as empathetic.  They all came down on my 17 year old nephew when he stopped attending Church and that is a fairly common teen behavior.

Sorry... .I guess I am rambling.  I am just wondering how different people manage the dissemination of information.  I am all for bringing awareness but also think that it is important to have my daughter's permission and awareness to do so.  I don't think I would tell people she had cancer if she didn't know she had it, you know?    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunfl0wer]

I would be concerned, if like you describe, he has self serving motives.

What outcome is he expecting?

How does he think that it will improve things?

Who cares if anyone thinks it is normal teenage stuff?

Idk, I would try to treat every conversation as if D was in the room to hear it.  That way no one regrets what or how something was said.  That way the conversation hopefully would sound supportive vs alienating.

[Rapt Reader]

Shell Shocked, I can understand your concern and hesitance regarding sharing personal information about your daughter with your relatives. It can be a tricky situation: Wanting your family to understand what is going on with her, and not wanting to violate her privacy, especially when she isn't sure of her own disorder and those family members might be judgmental. I know I've had to deal with that for many years in relation to my own adult (38) son who was diagnosed with BPD two years ago.

At this point, most of my siblings and my Husband's siblings have at least a small understanding of his troubles (some more than others; like you, my own family is understanding and aware of mental illness, so they know more of the circumstances). My Mom and my M-I-L (his Grandmothers) know just what we have felt they could handle, since they are elderly and from another mind-set regarding mental illness.

My son doesn't know everything we have told family members, but does know that they've been told at least something, because the diagnosis came after he flamed out with a suicidal ideation that ended up with him being admitted to the Dual Diagnosis Program that gave him the BPD diagnosis in March/April 2013. Since he was there for almost a month, family members were aware of his stay and did need information explaining what was happening.

I guess everybody's situation is different, and we need to use good judgment and wisemind in our confiding of personal information about our children. What feels right? What would be non-threatening or -harmful to our child? What would help the family with support and comfort? What would help us ease our minds, and let us sleep at night without fretting? Lots to consider, Shell Shocked