Do they think of you when you are not there? New relationship

[richardson]

I can provide many details, but prefer to keep this short.

Just met a new woman who exhibits all the BPD characteristics...

We have spent about 6 nights together over the course of a month. (Both newly single parents)

When together, she acts 100% attracted to me, in love, best sex ever, etc... Asks to have my children, asks if i would marry her, be her boyfriend etc. Repeatedly tells me how much she loves me.

As soon as we are apart she does not return calls, does not return emails, and basically acts like i do not exist... Until she decides to call, and then at that point she is 100% "in love" again. She calls ONLY right before she can hang out, and cannot keep a plan even if it is a day or 2 ahead.

So while apart, what can she be thinking? About me?  Do I not exist? Is it a sort of game to keep me interested by acting disinterested? 

Her excuse for not returning calls, when we are together, is that she is scared of falling in love with me... .That she wants to call, but gets scared...   After every time we hang out I am thinking things would get better when apart, but it is always the same...

[Infern0]

You should be too busy to be sitting around worrying about why she's not calling, at this point you are just dating so don't sweat it.

[richardson]

You should be too busy to be sitting around worrying about why she's not calling, at this point you are just dating so don't sweat it.

Not necessarily not calling me, it is that if I call to set up a date, she will say she will call me right back, get off the phone in less than 30 seconds,  and then never call.  Odd behavior for someone who wanted to have my children a few days earlier...

I just wonder what they are thinking at this point...

[JRT]

Richardson... .

... .I too would be tempted to go forward with a relationship despite seeing red flags such as the ones that you are seeing. These are not things that one would come to expect at the beginning of a healthy relationship. Not saying that you are up for a sure fire heartbreak down the line but if there were early signs of a relationship disaster, this would be it. You need to decide if you want to put yourself at risk this way. Who knows; it could all just straighten itself out.

[richardson]

Richardson... .

... .I too would be tempted to go forward with a relationship despite seeing red flags such as the ones that you are seeing. These are not things that one would come to expect at the beginning of a healthy relationship. Not saying that you are up for a sure fire heartbreak down the line but if there were early signs of a relationship disaster, this would be it. You need to decide if you want to put yourself at risk this way. Who knows; it could all just straighten itself out.

its a combination of feeling so good when with them, and being so "loved" in all ways, while also be treated very poorly when not together. Then when together she comes up with excuses for her behavior so that i feel sorry for her, or try to understand.

I like to believe she is "just scared" at the beginning, but also have no idea if this is true or just a sort of manipulation.

[ShadowIntheNight]

It seems odd that she would want to have childrena and marry you after a month and then say she is afraid to call because she may be falling in love. That just seems odd to me. If she doesn't have BPD or something like that at the very least she seems to have a commitment issue. I'd watch myself, but it's your choice of course.

[JRT]

EVERYONE has concerns and anxieties at the beginning. The way that she is processing them wouldn't give me warm fuzzies about her and I would argue is not healthy.

If one of my customers came to me and gave me $100, then stole $5, it MIGHT still represent a good transaction to me... .you need to make that decision.

[richardson]

EVERYONE has concerns and anxieties at the beginning. The way that she is processing them wouldn't give me warm fuzzies about her and I would argue is not healthy.

If one of my customers came to me and gave me $100, then stole $5, it MIGHT still represent a good transaction to me... .you need to make that decision.

One thing I do not understand is this...

After a couple of dates, I would do the right thing and call a couple days ahead to set up a date...

One time that I called, she did not answer... She called back immediately saying she got a call from this number, and who is it... So she did not recognize my voice or number after wanting to have my children?  Was that a game of sorts? So she said she would call back in 5 minutes and I did not get a call until Friday at 9pm, 4 days later... .

I am guessing this shows she does not think of me, as how could she know i would be free and answer at that time?  When she called on Friday she asked what I was doing that night, and about the status of our relationship.  Are we just friends who have sex, can we be more etc.

[JRT]

EVERYONE has concerns and anxieties at the beginning. The way that she is processing them wouldn't give me warm fuzzies about her and I would argue is not healthy.

If one of my customers came to me and gave me $100, then stole $5, it MIGHT still represent a good transaction to me... .you need to make that decision.

One thing I do not understand is this...

After a couple of dates, I would do the right thing and call a couple days ahead to set up a date...

One time that I called, she did not answer... She called back immediately saying she got a call from this number, and who is it... So she did not recognize my voice or number after wanting to have my children?  Was that a game of sorts? So she said she would call back in 5 minutes and I did not get a call until Friday at 9pm, 4 days later... .

I am guessing this shows she does not think of me, as how could she know i would be free and answer at that time?  When she called on Friday she asked what I was doing that night, and about the status of our relationship.  Are we just friends who have sex, can we be more etc.

Richardson

You really need to be honest with yourself about this person and where this is headed. These are HUGE red flags.

You confronted her and she gave you BS excuses... .why not consider dating her and others at the same time. There is no need to go full out with this one.

[Sunfl0wer]

Yes, my exUBPbf would seem to forget about me.  I have read around here that this is common. "Out of sight, out of mind."

My ex would forget to call... .and things like that.  Even if I did reach out, he would seem uninterested or busy, like he couldn't fully engage in the same manner.

The worse part was after years into the relationship and us living together, he would often forget to consider my thoughts and opinions on matters if I wasn't there.

[apollotech]

You should be too busy to be sitting around worrying about why she's not calling, at this point you are just dating so don't sweat it.

Not necessarily not calling me, it is that if I call to set up a date, she will say she will call me right back, get off the phone in less than 30 seconds,  and then never call.  Odd behavior for someone who wanted to have my children a few days earlier...

I just wonder what they are thinking at this point...

richardson,

I don't know if your friend has BPD or not or some other form of mental/personality disorder. What I do see in her actions (IMHO actions tell the tale.) is that she is disrespectful, untrustworthy, selfish, unreliable, unstable, immature, and low self-esteem/respect. These are not characteristics of a healthy, mature person. Wanting to get married and have children after y'all had only been together a few times? Don't walk, run!

[richardson]

Yes, my exUBPbf would seem to forget about me.  I have read around here that this is common. "Out of sight, out of mind."

My ex would forget to call... .and things like that.  Even if I did reach out, he would seem uninterested or busy, like he couldn't fully engage in the same manner.

The worse part was after years into the relationship and us living together, he would often forget to consider my thoughts and opinions on matters if I wasn't there.

Yes, this is what i was curious about. 

I am new to all of this , but I have never been with a woman who cannot keep her hands off me for 3 days straight, is asking to have a family with me, and then can't make a date a few days ahead of time, or will not call me back for 4 days when she said she would in 5 minutes.

And when together she is telling me how perfect every part of me is, how amazing I am, laughs at every word I say etc... She just tells me she is "scared" of falling in love with me as i will cheat or leave her like everyone else. And when i drop her off i do not seem to exist.

i am not calling her all the time, and never texted her. I would call once a week...

I am not calling anymore, but I have never been in such an odd situation with a female.

[ghoststory]

oh sounds like trouble probably should run but if you want to be sure act exactly the same way back don't return a call see what happens tell her how mad about her you are if you do the first she may rage tipping the BPD hand and if you do the second and she is BPD she will most likely dump you soon but you will know

[richardson]

oh sounds like trouble probably should run but if you want to be sure act exactly the same way back don't return a call see what happens tell her how mad about her you are if you do the first she may rage tipping the BPD hand and if you do the second and she is BPD she will most likely dump you soon but you will know

LOL, this is basically what seems to have happened...

When we met she told me she wanted a FWB, and that it... .

Then when together she quickly escalated to asking me to be a boyfriend, telling me she loves me, if she is the type I would marry etc... It was non stop when together, and I admit it felt good.  She was always smiling at me, so sexual, cuddling, loving etc. Then when apart she reverted back to we are "fwb"

So one day she sort of "broke it off" and told me she felt she wasnt good enough for me, is scared etc... This led me to telling her I like her, am interested etc... Which i think ironically pushed her away more.

it's like she did her best to emotionally get to me, just to tell me she cant handle seeing me when I showed the smallest amount of reciprocity.

[JRT]

Relating to the original post, you may be interested in reading this related thread discussing object constancy:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70884.0

[Sunfl0wer]

He has a hard time maintaining awareness of things not right in front of him.

This includes the idea, "out of sight, out of mind."

But it also included considering past experiences and possible future outcomes when making decisions. 

He seems to be able to only deal with what is right in his immediate awareness.  And to be more specific, his thought process begins with his internal emotional experience as the first reality and then only deals with his immediate awareness.

For example: His daughter couldn't focus on math and dawdled every day during math and was failing.  So as a couple we discussed that we would offer more support and check homework daily.  But he would "forget" our plan.  He would walk into the house, feeling positive and happy to see her, and he would start to goof off with her.  He is driven by his emotion.

I would point out that we needed to be consistent with our plan.  That never mattered as he would not care about the futre consequences to her grade and he would act like she could just transition and sit and focus even though we historically knew this was difficult for her.

I am sure there must be a name for this cognitive skill that he is missing?  Anyone know what this skill is called?  Maybe it is a specific type of executive functioning skill?

I always figured he had impaired/undeveloped temporal awareness, but I think it is more than just that.

He was often just living in the moment because he could not manage holding different thoughts in his head.

When I make a decision, I hold the past info, the future implications, several viewpoints of different people and it all merges for me to consider a decision.

When he had a decision, he started with an emotion and could only hold one set of opinions or thoughts about it.  The result was that if he was in front of his ex wife, he decided in her favor, as she was in front of his awareness and he could not both consider her thoughts and his own so he would have to discard one of them, usually his own.

[going places]

I can provide many details, but prefer to keep this short.

Just met a new woman who exhibits all the BPD characteristics...

We have spent about 6 nights together over the course of a month. (Both newly single parents)

Please, understand what I am about to say is based upon my own personal experiences.

Newly single, parent.

Assuming you have children under 18, IMHO their well being and healthy adjustment to the dissolution of their family be your top priority. They are watching and learning from your example more than any word you will ever speak.

When together, she acts 100% attracted to me, in love, best sex ever, etc... Asks to have my children, asks if i would marry her, be her boyfriend etc. Repeatedly tells me how much she loves me.

Another assumption on my part, but I am assuming you have known this female for months?

To involve children in 'new' relationships before you KNOW the person is dangerous for the children.

This is where I wish prostitution was legal. If a release is what is needed, then instead of dragging children thru potential psycho's, you could go to a hotel, take care of business, and go home... .

Sex before you KNOW someone is dangerous.

It clouds good judgement.

As soon as we are apart she does not return calls, does not return emails, and basically acts like i do not exist... Until she decides to call, and then at that point she is 100% "in love" again. She calls ONLY right before she can hang out, and cannot keep a plan even if it is a day or 2 ahead.

Run. Do not allow this person around your children.

So while apart, what can she be thinking? About me?  Do I not exist? Is it a sort of game to keep me interested by acting disinterested? 

It a game. Adults, healthy adults, don't play games.

Run.

Her excuse for not returning calls, when we are together, is that she is scared of falling in love with me... .That she wants to call, but gets scared...   After every time we hang out I am thinking things would get better when apart, but it is always the same...

Run.

[richardson]

I can provide many details, but prefer to keep this short.

Just met a new woman who exhibits all the BPD characteristics...

We have spent about 6 nights together over the course of a month. (Both newly single parents)

Please, understand what I am about to say is based upon my own personal experiences.

Newly single, parent.

Assuming you have children under 18, IMHO their well being and healthy adjustment to the dissolution of their family be your top priority. They are watching and learning from your example more than any word you will ever speak.

When together, she acts 100% attracted to me, in love, best sex ever, etc... Asks to have my children, asks if i would marry her, be her boyfriend etc. Repeatedly tells me how much she loves me.

Another assumption on my part, but I am assuming you have known this female for months?

To involve children in 'new' relationships before you KNOW the person is dangerous for the children.

This is where I wish prostitution was legal. If a release is what is needed, then instead of dragging children thru potential psycho's, you could go to a hotel, take care of business, and go home... .

Sex before you KNOW someone is dangerous.

It clouds good judgement.

As soon as we are apart she does not return calls, does not return emails, and basically acts like i do not exist... Until she decides to call, and then at that point she is 100% "in love" again. She calls ONLY right before she can hang out, and cannot keep a plan even if it is a day or 2 ahead.

Run. Do not allow this person around your children.

So while apart, what can she be thinking? About me?  Do I not exist? Is it a sort of game to keep me interested by acting disinterested? 

It a game. Adults, healthy adults, don't play games.

Run.

Her excuse for not returning calls, when we are together, is that she is scared of falling in love with me... .That she wants to call, but gets scared...   After every time we hang out I am thinking things would get better when apart, but it is always the same...

Run.

We have not seen each other's kids... I only have mine about 35% of the time... .I have not involved my child at all, I was saying on the first date she asked me to have more children with her. At the time I thought it might have been sort of a joke, but then she said this again the next times I saw her.

[iidentity002]

That appears to be typical push/pull behaviour, and I experienced this until I'd had enough. Every time he pulled back, I pulled back further and mirrored his distant behaviour because I wasn't tolerating or/and had the time for this type of behaviour. It's a form of abuse and you must lay boundaries down, in the way your BPD will understand.

He didn't like this and kicked in high gear to grab my attention. I believed I wasn't on his mind because he didn't have to worry about me because I was running to him as soon as he called. Like I said, as soon as he realised he wasn't my priority when his behaving like this, the game playing stopped.

[richardson]

That appears to be typical push/pull behaviour, and I experienced this until I'd had enough. Every time he pulled back, I pulled back further and mirrored his distant behaviour because I wasn't tolerating or/and had the time for this type of behaviour. It's a form of abuse and you must lay boundaries down, in the way your BPD will understand.

He didn't like this and kicked in high gear to grab my attention. I believed I wasn't on his mind because he didn't have to worry about me because I was running to him as soon as he called. Like I said, as soon as he realised he wasn't my priority when his behaving like this, the game playing stopped.

In a way, during the initial stages of dating, is the BPD more honest and in a way the "perfect dater"?

Like if someone could write a book about how to date and create attraction, it would strongly mirror BPD actions.

A NON might call his date a few days ahead of time, show up on time, plan the date, measure his words, be on his best behavior, ask for a second date, make another plan etc... While all of this is consistent and admirable, often times it is "too predictable" for many, and attraction plummets.  he or she is also holding back, for various reasons, and might even be viewed as a bit manipulative, or not being his or her real self.

As for the BPD girl I know, and from what I read about others, they are very sexual, very straightforward, will tell you things you never heard before, and that interaction and date will be hard to forget. If after sex their mind wanders and they feel love, they tell you... Where as many others who are nons might be more measured in their words so as to not "scare" the other.   When apart they apparently have no problem at all forgetting you, until they want to see you or need something from you. So they are not contacting you.  At least in the beginning, this makes attraction soar.  I think for many NON's this is hard to replicate.

To add to confusion, while dating, apparently one looks "needy" by calling, or emailing, or texting, or expressing feelings etc. It just seems to be the way it is. The BPD does not have this problem when apart.

So in a way it was hard for me to tell if she was playing the "perfect game", or if she truly could detach that quickly when I was not around and she is not even capable of a consistent feeling or emotion.

[Restored2]

"Run Forest (richardson) run!"

[Restored2]

"Run Forest (richardson) run!"  She sounds like a heap of trouble.

[Kasina]

Hey Richardson,

I would agree with the people on board here,these are huge ted flags.please think about it before you go any further with this person in relationship.

Like sunflower my ubpfex bf would do the same thing to me but for him it was a game that he player just to keep me hooked.he just wanted me to hang by the phone and wait for him to get back to me.it fuels there ego and gives away how much we want to be with them.

Sometimes it's the simple 'out of sight out of mind'.either way its not healthy no matter what the reason is for ignoring.

Think before you get too involved with her.

X

[Kasina]

"Run Forest (richardson) run!"  She sounds like a heap of trouble.


Couldn't agree more with restored 2.