Could you please tell me it wasn't me.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today is one of those days folks. Its one of those days where you wake up from  nightmares that revolve around him. One of those days where work sucks your soul out your eyes. One of those days where you are run to ground. One of those days where the sun is shining and the birds are singing and water is running down the streets and spring has truly sprung. And all I want to do is wrap up in his arms and let it all be a bad dream. I want to walk in the crisp air holding hands. I want to sit on a patio for the first time since last fall. I want to listen to how his day went and tell him about mine. But nope. :'(

He is doing all that with the replacement. He is singing her praises and projecting his bad acts on to me. Its all my fault he was miserable after all. You all got that memo right?

So I was really hoping that someone else here has those days too. I have been doing really well but today is just one of 'those' days. Does anyone else have those days? Does anyone else turn to tell their person something, or want to text them something, or just want to see their face and feel completely defeated all over again that they can't? And how do you recover? So could someone here please remind me that "the disease always wins" or that "nothing you could have ever done or not done would have been enough" or that "pwBPD say x tell you y and do z" or that it simply wasn't me? Cause today it fells like it was me and that I am the problem and that he is perfect and i am a loser. 

Ok thanks in advance. 

[hope2727]

Today is one of those days folks. Its one of those days where you wake up from  nightmares that revolve around him. One of those days where work sucks your soul out your eyes. One of those days where you are run to ground. One of those days where the sun is shining and the birds are singing and water is running down the streets and spring has truly sprung. And all I want to do is wrap up in his arms and let it all be a bad dream. I want to walk in the crisp air holding hands. I want to sit on a patio for the first time since last fall. I want to listen to how his day went and tell him about mine. But nope. :'(

He is doing all that with the replacement. He is singing her praises and projecting his bad acts on to me. Its all my fault he was miserable after all. You all got that memo right?

So I was really hoping that someone else here has those days too. I have been doing really well but today is just one of 'those' days. Does anyone else have those days? Does anyone else turn to tell their person something, or want to text them something, or just want to see their face and feel completely defeated all over again that they can't? And how do you recover? So could someone here please remind me that "the disease always wins" or that "nothing you could have ever done or not done would have been enough" or that "pwBPD say x tell you y and do z" or that it simply wasn't me? Cause today it fells like it was me and that I am the problem and that he is perfect and i am a loser. 

Ok thanks in advance. 

[Popcorn71]

I used to feel like this quite often.  Now I rarely do.  I'm happy with my life the way it is and can see the drastic improvements I have made since my xBPDh left for the replacement.

All I can say is that time and reading of other people's similar experiences has helped me.  Also, I have realised that I am far more capable and a much better person than he made me believe I was.

I guess at some point I realised I am better off without him and that I really didn't lose much at all.

I hope you reach this point soon.  It really isn't you - it's him with the problem!

[ShadowIntheNight]

I have these days probably everyday. I'm not even sure when or if I'll ever feel the same. It's around spring break time for her kids and we would have probably made plans to go somewhere. Instead I presume whomever she's with now is making those plans with her. It hurts. It's not us. But when it hurts and they've moved on with seemingly nary a care, it sure feels like we are somehow to blame. I know it's not true intellectually, but my heart is just not to that place yet.

[billypilgrim]

Do you have a history of destroying relationships with those closest to you?  :)o you torment or abuse those you hold dearest?  :)o you scream or act out when you don't get your way?  :)o you constantly crave attention?  Are you incapable of being empathetic?  :)o you need others to provide your happiness?  And lastly, do you have BPD?  

Cheer up Hope.  It's not you.

[hope2727]

Do you have a history of destroying relationships with those closest to you?  :)o you torment or abuse those you hold dearest?  :)o you scream or act out when you don't get your way?  :)o you constantly crave attention?  Are you incapable of being empathetic?  :)o you need others to provide your happiness?  And lastly, do you have BPD?  

Cheer up Hope.  It's not you.

Thanks I really need all that. I am not perfect but you are right I don't do that. Sigh. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I could hate him. But I'm just not like that. I don't hate him I love him I just hate what he chooses to do.

[Kasina]

Hey hope,

It's been only 4 days since I have gone NC with my exBPDbf.for first 2 days I spent resenting him and hated me foraging me feel pathetic now as I feeling a little better I have started missing him.his face,how he would look in to my eyes and all that little silly things.

I have started weather it's me who did something wrong in this relationship ,maybe I m responsible for not understanding him in the last days of our relationship and triggered him because everything was alright before and we were happy.

I have been replaying the last few days of us being together .

I m sorry I can't be of much help but yes I understanding what you ate going through ... I totally do ... it's so overwhelming the need of being with him right that its unbeatable... I can't hold it in my heart...

Hope we will get through it...

[Kasina]

Thanks I really need all that. I am not perfect but you are right I don't do that. Sigh. I wish I didn't miss him. I wish I could hate him. But I'm just not like that. I don't hate him I love him I just hate what he chooses to do.

Yes this is what I feel and believe.i don't hate him I hate what choices he make .

[sun seeker]

 Hi all

Yea im right there with you hope. Im having one of those days. on fb a post came up about tour dates for a 3 band  show  i/we really like. Upon seeing that my  initial thought thats was cool we can go... .(dexBPDgf and I).(dam it)  Instanly I thought ummmm I can go by myself I guess. Really f**ked my day up . My  thoughts  have been about my dexBPDgf all day. The usual ?  Like how is she, hope she doing better, i miss her laugh. Ect. I havnt had a day like this in a while.

  i worked a 16 hr day and also thought on my way home from work that if i wad still with my dexBPDgf id be listening to a rashin of ___ because i worked late and wasnt there to pick her up at 5 pm  to start our weekend together as usual.

  We all have these day just know it not you , its not me its undoubtedly THIM... .

Hang there better days are ahead !

[Tibbles]

Hi Hope2727

Sending you lots of love and support. Bad days when you feel like that are really bad. . But they do pass. You can recover from this. Those feelings do fade. There is a good life for you on the other side. I've been away for 2 years - just going through all that horrible divorce stuff now - and I feel a million times better. I still get those bad days but they are not nearly as bad as they used to be. Hang in there x

[Loosestrife]

I'm sorry hope2727, I think it's pretty normal to feel like this. How about picking one thing you have always wanted to do (before your relationship or something your ex didn't really want to do) and you do it/ book it this weekend?

[Loosestrife]

Do you have a history of destroying relationships with those closest to you?  :)o you torment or abuse those you hold dearest?  :)o you scream or act out when you don't get your way?  :)o you constantly crave attention?  Are you incapable of being empathetic?  :)o you need others to provide your happiness?  And lastly, do you have BPD?  

Cheer up Hope.  It's not you.

Excellent reminder 

[Recooperating]

He is doing all that with the replacement. He is singing her praises and projecting his bad acts on to me. Its all my fault he was miserable after all. You all got that memo right?

I know exactly how you feel! When I feel like this I read this blog posted on heartless-b___es.com. It reminds me that the replacement may think she's (or he) is so special now... .But it will all come crumbling down. I once thought I was special... .

www.heartless-b___es.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml

Hope I am sure we also made mustakes in the rs, but it doesn't come close to the crap my ex pulled! My biggest mistake was; not leaving sooner! Every time I miss him, I remind myself that I actually don't! I miss the fantasy of him, I miss his potential, I miss the dream... .I can make new dreams... .

Hang in there hope! You deserve more than him! Hope you feel better soon! 

[hope2727]

He is doing all that with the replacement. He is singing her praises and projecting his bad acts on to me. Its all my fault he was miserable after all. You all got that memo right?

I know exactly how you feel! When I feel like this I read this blog posted on heartless-b___es.com. It reminds me that the replacement may think she's (or he) is so special now... .But it will all come crumbling down. I once thought I was special... .

www.heartless-b___es.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml

Hope I am sure we also made mustakes in the rs, but it doesn't come close to the crap my ex pulled! My biggest mistake was; not leaving sooner! Every time I miss him, I remind myself that I actually don't! I miss the fantasy of him, I miss his potential, I miss the dream... .I can make new dreams... .

Hang in there hope! You deserve more than him! Hope you feel better soon! 

Wow thank you. I followed that link and then explored the site a bit. Ran across this and started crying. I knew about the abuse I had endured but somehow this really upset me all over again.

Everyone should read this.

www.heartless-b___es.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Thank you everyone. I am still struggling a bit today. I feel like giving up and never crawling out from under the covers again but I have to be at work right away. I'll check in later.

[going places]

Hope,

I don't know how long you were together, if you were married or not... .

I was told by several people that it takes about 1 year of mourning for every 5 years of marriage... .

I KNOW TIME LINES ARE NOT set in stone... .

And God knows living w / being married and divorced from someone with a personality disorder complicates and compounds the pain.

You are not alone.

Do whatever you can to change your thought pattern.

I woke up at 4:30am... .nightmare... .it was reliving the day the ex told me he was having an affair

Woke up sweating, sick at my stomach, very very upset.

Did not want to go back to sleep.

So I laid back down and thought about Florida. Where I wanted to live, where I wanted to work, visualized what I would do on my day off, etc.

Every time and "ex" thought came into my head, I smashed it with a "Florida" thought (where I am moving in July)

Try try try to change your thought pattern.

I tried to 'only remember the bad' so I would not miss him, but it triggered me into some very dark places, so I was told to 'replace' my thoughts so that the ex was in NO way thought of, but I was looking towards my future!

It has helped, so much.

Helped, not cured.

Because I still have bad days.

I don't 'miss him and wish it was all better'.

I am way past that... .

but I relive the pain. And it sucks. A lot.


ETA: I just read the link above... .THAT WAS MY LIFE TO A T.

I cannot believe how what she wrote, was my life... .for 25 years... .

[PaintedBlack28]

Hi Hope,

I see you are not too well. Happens to me also. The zillion moments when we used to talk, laugh , joke... .I enter my room and expect to see her sitting on my bed and smile, the feel of her hand in mine, the way the wind plays with her hair, many moments while sitting at the table having lunch dinner  breakfast... .now I only see the empty chsir and the eerie silence... .lots of flashbacks bringing up fragmented conversations, thoughts, concepts... .eacv time I think about something I tell to myself "she would have said this or that"... .

If all this loving care doesnt mean s*** to her, why am I always thinking of her? Most certainly she is not thinking about me now. It must be the problem lies within me. Dont get me wrong - the problem about the inability to overcome this. And I think I more or less know why.

She manipulated me. She led me to believe she loved me (I wanted to believe too). She has a disorder and I expected from her something she couldnt give me. Of course I could havent known at the time, what the implications were. Relationships must be built among equal partners. It just wasnt possible. Maybe she wanted - but she failed. We failed. I tried my best trust me. I loved this person very much. But it's not about her anymore. It's about me.

So when this moments of nostalgic panic happen I do nothing. I just wait flr the pain to dissolve a bit. Then something happens. I must go do something go here go there. And this pain follows me everywhere I go like a cloud raining on my head only. It gets easier every day though. But sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and try to hear her steady rythmic breathing but nothing... .only silence.

Take care of yourself Hope you are a lovable person. Nothing wrong with you.

[ShadowIntheNight]

He is doing all that with the replacement. He is singing her praises and projecting his bad acts on to me. Its all my fault he was miserable after all. You all got that memo right?

I know exactly how you feel! When I feel like this I read this blog posted on heartless-b___es.com. It reminds me that the replacement may think she's (or he) is so special now... .But it will all come crumbling down. I once thought I was special... .

www.heartless-b___es.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml

Hope I am sure we also made mustakes in the rs, but it doesn't come close to the crap my ex pulled! My biggest mistake was; not leaving sooner! Every time I miss him, I remind myself that I actually don't! I miss the fantasy of him, I miss his potential, I miss the dream... .I can make new dreams... .

Hang in there hope! You deserve more than him! Hope you feel better soon!  

Wow thank you. I followed that link and then explored the site a bit. Ran across this and started crying. I knew about the abuse I had endured but somehow this really upset me all over again.

Everyone should read this.

www.heartless-b___es.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Thank you everyone. I am still struggling a bit today. I feel like giving up and never crawling out from under the covers again but I have to be at work right away. I'll check in later.

Hope, thanks for that second link. For me it's hard to believe that my exgf's intentions were only meant for her good and not for both of us. This paragraph from the link you pointed to has really gotten my attention:

"Abusers play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of case, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might happen to it - he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition of the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family."

This is exactly what happened with my ex in January of last year. Out of the blue she tells me her mother has said that after my ex's youngest kid graduates from HS in 6 yrs my ex can come live with her. My ex doesn't ask me how I feel, what are my thoughts, nothing. Just that this is what she's thinking of doing.

It's a hard pill to swallow when right there in black & white we see that our loved ones are merely acting out a play that we happen to have only a (seemingly) small part in.

I hope you are feeling better today. Reread that link again and you will see it wasn't you.

[Kasina]

Hi Hope,

I see you are not too well. Happens to me also. The zillion moments when we used to talk, laugh , joke... .I enter my room and expect to see her sitting on my bed and smile, the feel of her hand in mine, the way the wind plays with her hair, many moments while sitting at the table having lunch dinner  breakfast... .now I only see the empty chsir and the eerie silence... .lots of flashbacks bringing up fragmented conversations, thoughts, concepts... .eacv time I think about something I tell to myself "she would have said this or that"... .

If all this loving care doesnt mean s*** to her, why am I always thinking of her? Most certainly she is not thinking about me now. It must be the problem lies within me. Dont get me wrong - the problem about the inability to overcome this. And I think I more or less know why.

She manipulated me. She led me to believe she loved me (I wanted to believe too). She has a disorder and I expected from her something she couldnt give me. Of course I could havent known at the time, what the implications were. Relationships must be built among equal partners. It just wasnt possible. Maybe she wanted - but she failed. We failed. I tried my best trust me. I loved this person very much. But it's not about her anymore. It's about me.

So when this moments of nostalgic panic happen I do nothing. I just wait flr the pain to dissolve a bit. Then something happens. I must go do something go here go there. And this pain follows me everywhere I go like a cloud raining on my head only. It gets easier every day though. But sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and try to hear her steady rythmic breathing but nothing... .only silence.

Take care of yourself Hope you are a lovable person. Nothing wrong with you.

I feel for you painted black.hang in there !

X

[Vatz]

Yes, I most definitely have those days. Its not just you.

See, when we were together we had our sides of the bed. I'd have to go around to the window side to lay in my side. To this day, I still do it. I always go to sleep on what was *my* side of the bed. This purely out of habit. Some nights I wish I could put my arm around her soft body. Yup. I try not to think of someone else touching her. Almost always the thought doesn't cross my mind. If it does I just remind myself that no pleasure is worth the pain. Although... .sometimes I do wonder.

Yes there are days I wish I could dance with someone to some music, discuss stuff and make jokes and stuff. Oh well.

The other day, I pictured myself with someone else. Someone cute who was into some of the same stuff, someone who I can just laugh with and then some. I pictured this person actually not bringing all this drama and "window shopping" for new boyfriends while with me. For a brief moment I thought "hey, maybe." For that moment I was optimistic.

Right now I'm not, but I'm generally an unhappy person so optimism is... .not something natural. But who knows, maybe someone will be okay with my gloomy temperament.

Its okay to feel the way you do. It just means you're human and you can feel. That what you had meant something to you. That when you love, you love truly with nothing held back. What you felt was real, your passion was naked and raw. You can feel. From what I hear, not everyone, not many can breath in and in turn, breath out that fire of that is life and color and the plethora of emotion that comes with it. Or maybe I'm talking crazy in one of my charged moments.

Don't let that side of you whither and die. Let yourself remember. Let yourself mourn. Howl and rage, cry and sulk. But always remember that with every single breath you are only getting stronger and when you're ready, you unleash yourself onto the world. Don't turn away from your feelings, stay awake and burn bright until the very last.

Much love and well wishes.

[hope2727]

Thank you everyone. Its so hard with the beautiful spring days coming on to feel so alone. I spent the afternoon with my 'husband' (he is 4) we were married last weekend and he gave me a big rock he found in the playground. He rode his bike, I ran along, he splashed in puddles, I splashed too, he found some cool things in the snow, I carried them home. We ate some chicken fingers and fries outside a fast food place. He talked I listened. He belongs to a friend, he is not mine, I wish he was. He turned his little filthy face to me and said "do you know what  I love about you?" I said no what? He replied "everything." 

I loved everything about my ex. I am glad I am capable of that. I made many many mistakes. I at the end was not my best self. Some of the emotional abuse that article talked about could apply to me at the bitter end. I am going to read and re-read it so I NEVER do it to anyone again. But none the less it is not me. I did not start the cycle of abuse. I lived it. He inflicted it and I reacted badly. I should have told him to get stuffed and walked away. I just didn't understand.

I may never marry. I may never have a child. But today I had an amazing day with an amazing boy and he loves everything about me. I love everything about him too. So there is still some good in the world.

Oh and he ALMOST mastered his 2 wheeled bike. Next time we will kick its butt.

Thanks everyone.

[Left broken and confused]

I completely understand. I want the winter to end and the weather to get nice but part of me is afraid of that also because I miss sharing those times with my ex. When it's cold and snowing I miss watching movies, baking and snuggling but I over came that depression. Now I'm fearing the spring and the lonely feelings that come with it.