thinking of breaking all relations with adult daughter...

[Lynnjones]

My daughter only want to communicate with me when she wants something... .she is a very poor money manager... .I have bailed her out so many times, but have clarified now what I will do and not do... .she is on disability so really can't live on what she gets... .I have agreed to send her $100 on the 20th of each month and will do no more... .she makes terrible decisions and is a dangerous wreckless driver... .I'm afraid she will kill herself or others - or both with her driving

She has had many physical health issues so I have helped her when I thought she just could not handle things because of severe health issues or other extreme situations... .she has been advised to go to DBT but won't go... .she does not accept responsibility for and of her problems... she is manipulative and has treated me very badly in the past... .I just want to be done with it all, but hate to leave her alone with her problems

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[smileybmomto3]

Hi Lynnjones,

HUGS! I understand and have felt the same way. My daughter only contacts me when she needs money or a crash pad or wants bail money. She is currently in jail for drugs (self medicating). It is so hard and I feel much guilt, but there are times I just want to walk away. I try and remember that it isn't her fault, she has a mental illness. But I feel much anger towards her and the situation. This forum has bee a great help. There are so many that are in our situation or have come through it.

One thing I have come to realize in myself is the fact that I have to forgive myself for not seeing it sooner and for my short comings. And forgiving her for manipulating and using me. I realize that she doesn't see it that way and is just trying to survive anyway she can.

[lbjnltx]

Hi 

Welcome to the family!

So happy to have you here as a new member and sorry that your daughter has BPD.  The ongoing need of support with no solutions or plans for solutions can be so very frustrating for us as parents.

How old is your daughter?  How long has she been living away from home?

Does she not go to DBT because she is in denial about needing therapy or does she just not want to do the work?

Boundaries and limits are good... .then everyone knows what is acceptable and what is not.  Defending our personal boundaries and sticking to the limits we set is very important.  Consistency can be difficult sometimes and still very necessary.

I look forward to learning more about you and your situation so that I can better learn how to support you.



lbj

[qcarolr]

Hi Lynnjones, 

What you describe for yourself and your DD are very common issues for many of us here at bpdfamily. The guilt has really gotten in the way of being consistent with my BPDDD28. She had the BPD dx added when she was 23 and I have been trying to learn a healthier way to relate to her, and how to take care of myself to be consistent in doing this. The "TOOLS" links on the sidebar list are very helpful.

I have tried to detach from my DD, both physically and emotionally, along with financial and time boundaries. She also has some medical issues and a lifelong serious learning disability. So far she has not been able to qualify for federal disability help. Her resistance to treatment and therapy is a part of this. She has both a resistance to thinking she needs therapy and to doing the work. Both of these are directly connected to her mental health issues and her drug abuse/addiction.

Even given the chaos my DD has surrounding her life, I have found ways to keep myself grounded with less guilt and shame. Only by taking care of my own needs (ie. not expecting her behaviors to make me feel better) can I access the skills that I have learned. As I have reached out for support from family, friends, and my faith community there is more peace and less guilt.

Yes, I did not understand how to parent her in the past. I did the best I could and supported her needs to the best of my ability. Even though her actions against me and others are connected to her disabilities, she is still accountable for her choices. Allowing her to feel the impact of the results of her choices is painful for me, and it is the best way for her to consider seeking new ways to manage her life. I am hopeful she will continue on her current path toward treatment.

I hope to see you back here soon to let us know more of your story. We care and understand.

qcr

[lever.]

Hello Lynn and welcome. I'm happy you have found this site.

I well understand the feeling of being at the end of your tether and wanting to give up.

There is a lot of support here and it has helped me to maintain a relationship with my daughter whilst protecting myself emotionally. It has also helped my understanding of the emotional basis for some of her very unacceptable behavior. This doesn't mean that I condone it-just that I understand it better -which changes my thinking about it.

It is tempting to recommend to you loads of books which have helped me-but that might be over-facing to begin with.

Please take a little time to look at the "lessons" to the right of the page.

I hope that you will feel able to come back and share more, some of the people on here have worked with these issues for a long time and have a wealth of wisdom to share.

[jdtm]

Just a thought - instead of thinking of breaking ALL relations with your daughter, why not consider a certain time-frame (perhaps three months) hiatus from your daughter.  Then, after the time-frame, either extend the hiatus or whatever ... .  I find small actions (rather than an all-or-nothing action) easier to do and easier to achieve and easier to handle emotionally.  Anyway, just another opinion ... .