Collecting Suggestions for Deciding to Stay or Leave

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am writing a chapter for a book about how to decide if you want to stay or leave your relationship. I assume everyone here has gone through that in one way or another (unless it was your spouse who left you) While I've done a lot of research I thought it would be a great idea to compile the very best suggestions for those who come after us, especially newcomers who would otherwise have to comb through a lot of posts.What is the best advice you would give to someone now that you've gone through the whole process? What factors were the most important? Were there any special books you used? How did kids enter the picture (if you have them). What would you have done differently? Whatever you would like to say. I will give a free book to either the person with the best advice or just randomly choose someone. I will give people until April 18 to reply.

[Randi Kreger]

I am writing a chapter for a book about how to decide if you want to stay or leave your relationship. I assume everyone here has gone through that in one way or another (unless it was your spouse who left you) While I've done a lot of research I thought it would be a great idea to compile the very best suggestions for those who come after us, especially newcomers who would otherwise have to comb through a lot of posts.What is the best advice you would give to someone now that you've gone through the whole process? What factors were the most important? Were there any special books you used? How did kids enter the picture (if you have them). What would you have done differently? Whatever you would like to say. I will give a free book to either the person with the best advice or just randomly choose someone. I will give people until April 18 to reply.

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine's pretty simple: I left her when staying got more painful than leaving.  I fled to retain what was left of my sanity, pure self preservation.  Not married and no kids, which made it much less consequential than it could have been.  Whew!

I left her cleanly, no real drama, no regrets.  What I would have done differently is left her much sooner, but I was lost.

Others have much more complex situations, but I want me a book anyway!  Thanks for your work.

[Tim300]

I would like to give 3 reasons to exit a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (a "pwBPD":

1. Poor procreation partner -- Many people, including myself, are motivated in large part by evolutionary psychology impulses to mate with the best potential partner from the perspective of raising healthy, self-sufficient, happy offspring.  Most people in a relationship with a pwBPD entered into the relationship unaware of the concept of BPD or that his/her partner was mentally ill.  If you can accept that this is a genetic  disorder that runs in families, you will likely reconsider your pursuit of the pwBPD for purposes of having children.  Even if you would like to minimize the genetic aspect of the disorder and focus on the environmental issues that might contribute to it, would you like the pwBPD to be your child's caretaker and role model?

2. You are not helping the pwBPD -- First, a pwBPD is often at his/her absolute worst in the context of a close relationship.  Such a close bond causes random bouts of anger, extreme anxiety, and a loss of control over one's own impulses.  Sticking around to attempt to help this person -- by, for example, showing that you care -- can ironically cause the pwBPD to dysregulate further.  The pwBPD might truly be better off without you.  Second, to the extent you feel that a pwBPD's behavior is at all within the pwBPD's control, exiting the relationship might help the pwBPD in the sense of showing the pwBPD "tough love" that will teach the pwBPD that he/she needs to command greater control of his/her behavior.

3. Your pwBPD will drop you; staying only delays the inevitable -- The pwBPD will drop you, abandon you, take off, perhaps quietly or perhaps while regretfully trying to destroy you during states of dysregulation.  This unfortunately is the story over and over again with a pwBPD.  This is what they do.  It could be a week from now, it could be 10 years from now.  There is no amount of love, money, rationality, or bond that will prevent this.  Few things are inevitable or certain in life, but the likelihood of the pwBPD coldly abandoning you when you least expect it -- and at the least convenient time for you -- is remarkably high, more so than perhaps in any other relationship you might have.  Ultimately, all you will be left with is an exhausted body and mind, a broken heart, and a lot of wasted time and money.        

[Sunfl0wer]

I didn't make a decision to leave.  I made a decision to be brutally honest with him, then I just watched it unfold.  I was prepared that this likely would be a catalyst for the end of our relationship. I told him, reminded him, of how I feel and my values.  I set the boundaries that I needed to protect me and my son.  I had to keep repeating myself and reinforce those boundaries, as he "forgot" often and would make up ways that they no longer applied.  Facing my reality caused him so much stress, he made the decision to leave.

I don't think I could have "decided" to leave.  I loved him too much.  I hoped too much for the man I saw that first year.  He is a mild type but at the same time, there was so much that was just not bearable.

The only way that I could make peace with myself for my own internal struggle: "to stay or leave". Was to not make it a decision about HIM.  So I made it about ME.  Maintaining my own self preservation, who I am, my values.  I made a decision to stop WOE and expressed my inner thoughts, that while were not meant to hurt him, I knew that they would either end us, or liberate us.

I think this way of "leaving" is right for me and is important to my own healing.  Staying consistent to my own truth will help me enter my next relationship in a healthy way.  ... .when I'm ready.

[Loosestrife]

I would like to give 3 reasons to exit a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (a "pwBPD":

1. Poor procreation partner -- Many people, including myself, are motivated in large part by evolutionary psychology impulses to mate with the best potential partner from the perspective of raising healthy, self-sufficient, happy offspring.  Most people in a relationship with a pwBPD entered into the relationship unaware of the concept of BPD or that his/her partner was mentally ill.  If you can accept that this is a genetic  disorder that runs in families, you will likely reconsider your pursuit of the pwBPD for purposes of having children.  Even if you would like to minimize the genetic aspect of the disorder and focus on the environmental issues that might contribute to it, would you like the pwBPD to be your child's caretaker and role model?

2. You are not helping the pwBPD -- First, a pwBPD is often at his/her absolute worst in the context of a close relationship.  Such a close bond causes random bouts of anger, extreme anxiety, and a loss of control over one's own impulses.  Sticking around to attempt to help this person -- by, for example, showing that you care -- can ironically cause the pwBPD to dysregulate further.  The pwBPD might truly be better off without you.  Second, to the extent you feel that a pwBPD's behavior is at all within the pwBPD's control, exiting the relationship might help the pwBPD in the sense of showing the pwBPD "tough love" that will teach the pwBPD that he/she needs to command greater control of his/her behavior.

3. Your pwBPD will drop you; staying only delays the inevitable -- The pwBPD will drop you, abandon you, take off, perhaps quietly or perhaps while regretfully trying to destroy you during states of dysregulation.  This unfortunately is the story over and over again with a pwBPD.  This is what they do.  It could be a week from now, it could be 10 years from now.  There is no amount of love, money, rationality, or bond that will prevent this.  Few things are inevitable or certain in life, but the likelihood of the pwBPD coldly abandoning you when you least expect it -- and at the least convenient time for you -- is remarkably high, more so than perhaps in any other relationship you might have.  Ultimately, all you will be left with is an exhausted body and mind, a broken heart, and a lot of wasted time and money.        

I like this, thanks

[Recooperating]

I decided to leave after identifying my needs in (any) rs.

Without thinking about my now ex, I focussed on and identifyed my needs, core values and wishes for a romantic rs. Trust, respect, loyalty, honesty, safety and recoprication were all on the list.

After trying really hard to work on the rs with my dBPDex I finally came to the conclusion that these were traits he could never live up to. My part in the dysfunction was wanting this from him so bad, trying to change him and almost demanding it from him, while he just wasnt able to give me this. You cant expect a rooster to lay an egg for you... .

Then I contemplated on what values I was willing to let go of, what comprimise could I make to make this work. I wasnt willing to comprimise on honesty, safety, trust and respect. Thats why I decided to leave.

[1989]

I decided I had to cut him out of my life completely after a reunion of sorts (phone calls) took place 22 years after our initial break up, and 17 years after we last spoke, because he played out the same cycle of idealization/devaluation/abandonment again with me.  All that time apart and nothing had changed.  

Time does not change this disorder.