girlfriend won't talk to me

[jsantiago]

I moved away from my girlfriend with BPD because I truly didn't think she wanted me around. She would always tell me how much she liked me and needed me in her life, etc. But then she would tell me she didn't like me and that she wanted me gone. Finally I believed that she wanted me gone. So I left. Even though that was the last thing I ever wanted to do and it killed me to do it. I also did not know at the time she had BPD. My therapist told me later on that she probably did actually like me and want me to stay but that she was afraid... .I've contacted her 3 times now, but she would not respond. I also bought her a very expensive gift that she would love because I wanted to show her how much I care (her friend gave the gift to her)... .Still she will not speak to me. I'm crazy about this girl and always have been. I don't know what to do. And my biggest concern is that she is probably in a lot of pain (as she always had tremendous emotional pain and was a cutter). I really love her and would do anything for her. I want to be there for her (and she used to say she wanted me there for her). Is it best to leave her alone now? Or should I go see her face to face and tell her that no matter what I am there for her? She was often a person who had to be shown and not told... .I want what is best for her... .that is all I have ever tried to do... .and that is all I will ever try to do... .Please help!

[JRT]

J

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, I know that it is very difficult and painful.

You found the right forum which to find help to deal with this situation if she i BPD. There are MANY resources here to help you better understand the situation as well as many member who are going through a similar situation in their lives... .you are not alone.

The mantra around here in dealing with BPD's is always to not contact them or 'going NC'. People with this disorder tend to move away as one chases after them which is what I believe that you do not want. In a healthier relationship, logic would dictate that you would cool off and then hammer out any differences between one another and move on from there. I am really sorry to say that since this is a form of mental illness, that our logic does not apply here. The only thing that applies is feelings, THEIR feelings which are irrational and as varied as can be.

Most BPD's eventually come back, some sooner and some later (mine disappeared 6 months ago and I have not heard a word from her). But if and when that happens, you will need to make a tough decision as to whether you even want to speak to them. Use the NC period to learn about BPD and to regain the emotional strength necessary enough to make a the decision that is best for YOU when the time comes to make that choice.

If there is anything that I can do, let me know.

[jsantiago]

JRT, thank you SO much for your help and support!

What is most painful about this all, is that I have no idea how she is... .I imagine she is in a great deal of pain, and there is not a thing I can do... .And I can't help but wonder if I had not believed she wanted me gone and moved away if any of this would have ever happened at all... .And so of course I am very upset with myself.

6 months, wow... .That must be hard... .

Is there anything that can be done when the BPD is in your life to help better gain their trust?

Thank you so much!

[JRT]

J

There is likely nothing that you could have done any differently or 'better' that would have changed the outcome of your relationship. This was something that was in the cards long before you even met her. Its crazy I know! I have come myself to realize that I meant the world to my ex and that freaked her out. She had no idea how to deal with the associated emotion and it made her run. The ones that paint their ex's the blackest and seem to harbor the most amount of vitriol apparently had the deeper of feelings. Lucky me!

You did what you did to let her know that you are still interested and have not abandoned her. I know that it is difficult, but now you must go NC. Should it go beyond a reasonable amount of time, you might wish to signal her at that time in an indirect way that you are still interested (if you are) so that her fear of abandonment does not kick in.

Yes, the past 6 months have been difficult but I am feeling much better. I have no idea what I would have done without the articles that are here as well as these forums. People here really care and they have all been through similar circumstances. I encourage you to post as much as you would like so that you can get a better perspective on thisngs as well as practical advice. It has made the WORLD of difference for me.

[jsantiago]

Oh thank you so much! I've been doing quite a lot of reading, but I haven't been able to get any direct advice or support. I am so glad I found this website. And I am so thankful for your help! Take care!

[JRT]

Oh thank you so much! I've been doing quite a lot of reading, but I haven't been able to get any direct advice or support. I am so glad I found this website. And I am so thankful for your help! Take care!

You should have plenty of advice here... .it might be the best approach to ask specifically for it in your post.

[jsantiago]

Great! Thank you!

[Aussie0zborn]

I'm glad you asked for direct advice and support. Here's my direct advice:

Don't be so gullible. Leave her alone before you find yourself in jail for harassment or any false claims. Read up on the resources here until you come to understand that you are not qualified to help her. Get yourself a therapist and work on yourself.

If we didn't have issues ourselves we would have run at the first sign of trouble. Going back to "help" will only give you grief. Your thoughts are well intentioned but your efforts will be wasted, unappreciated and will more than likely bring you a lot of grief. Run now while you still can and look at helping yourself.

[Loosestrife]

I'm glad you asked for direct advice and support. Here's my direct advice:

Don't be so gullible. Leave her alone before you find yourself in jail for harassment or any false claims. Read up on the resources here until you come to understand that you are not qualified to help her. Get yourself a therapist and work on yourself.

If we didn't have issues ourselves we would have run at the first sign of trouble. Going back to "help" will only give you grief. Your thoughts are well intentioned but your efforts will be wasted, unappreciated and will more than likely bring you a lot of grief. Run now while you still can and look at helping yourself.

This is great advice.