First post

[Changelingxxx]

Hi there,

My  25BP daughter is dearly loved but exceedingly painful to live with. I recognise that i can not effect any changes in her behaviour but i long for her to seek treatment with a professional and not go down the path of self medicating with alcohol.It was a shocking thing to discover that someone you had known or thought you knew turned into a stranger at 18. Early assessment from RAA suggested post traumatic stress disorder with BPD tendencies( with good cause) however the ongoing hellish moments of the last 6/7 years seems to point to BPD. Starting reading walking on eggshells years ago.Getting older and am now crying over keyboard. Work hard at not inflaming situations and showing emotion( grief or anger) as it is unhelpful.

Work hard at not enabling but find the" tough love " option espoused by some self help books not appropriate.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Hi changeling and Welcome.

We are so happy you are here and I think this place will help you. There is much to be learned.

Great tools exist to the right- Under "The Lessons" Lesson 1 is a great place to start.

The person with BPD (pwBPD) in my life is my Step-daughter (SD). She is 23. We have been together as a family since she was 14. I came into our situation not understanding what her issues were, wanting to help but so unprepared. I had "expectations" for her behavior. EX- expected her to act age appropriately when she was, emotionally, about age 7. Until I understood her limitations it was very hard to parent her, to communicate with her.

As for enabling and tough love- with my SD we have found that so long as she is enabled she stays stuck. She has addiction and is now in recovery so ours is an almost textbook case of how the end of enabling can have wonderful results but a lot of other factors have come into play as well.

My SD does not learn by instruction or lecture. And often she has to go through the same painful life experiences in order to learn. There is another piece in our version of "tough love" (can we call this empathy and nurturing with boundaries?) - when SD tackles life on her own she gains something very powerful- which is self-esteem. One of her early childhood experiences was her bio-Mom (who died when SD was 12) was invalidating in her praise of SD and SD was also bullied. Her self-esteem is very fragile and when she truly does for herself she gains SO MUCH. I try to keep these things in mind when I struggle with our focus on maintaining our boundaries.

I will admit though, from seeing her Dad's struggles, parenting SD from a structure that includes boundaries and a focus on the importance of maintaining family values, this is much easier as a step-parent than for the bio-parent, at least in my situation.

I am just so sorry you are feeling so lost and upset. I truly think the skills you can learn by reading the lessons will HELP YOU.

Lesson Two is about changing what isn't working. A good read.

I found it hard when I first came here for help with my SD to understand so much all at once. Baby steps. Ask for clarification from the other members... .sometimes when we ask a question other members will generously script a likely conversation. The more specific your questions the better.

I try to remember that I cannot force change on my SD- she is now an adult and she will change only if she wants it.

If I am unhappy, I can change myself. I can learn better ways, ways that protect me and help me. And the huge miracle is that when I change, things go better for me. I model a way for the others in my life to witness... .and then they see how much better I am coping and they want it too. (my husband!) My SD, I think more than anything, was very receptive to my improved way to communicate with her (using tools such as SET and wisemind... .see to the right under TOOLS.) and it has allowed her to take a deep breath and relax a bit so that we CAN get to know each other finally without all of the chaos churning up the waters... .

I know this is a LOT... .as I said above, baby steps are GOOD.

Looking forward to reading more from you!

Thursday

[livednlearned]

Hi changeling



I wanted to join Thursday in welcoming you to the site. I know the feeling of crying on the keyboard, I imagine there are many mothers here who have shed some tears for their children. Does your daughter accept the diagnosis she has been given?

Thursday makes a good point about some of the skills or tools taught and shared here, like SET (support, empathy, truth), and wise mind. Are you familiar with these skills? They can make a real difference.

I haven't read Walking on Eggshells, so I'm not familiar with that one. Some members say that The Essential Family Guide to BPD (by the same author) is better because it is includes more current research and is more up to date with common treatments, which might make you feel more hopeful about possible outcomes. There is a review of the book here:

The Essential Family Guide to BPD.

We are here for you. Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

LnL